Bigger battles

A few weeks ago I finally graduated with my BA in Psychology. This was a long time coming and honestly, an accomplishment I was extremely humbled, proud of and grateful for all at once. I finally finished something that was important to just me, it didn't have any contingencies for my children, and was something I genuinely enjoyed doing. I fell in love with the field of psychology about 3 weeks into returning back to college as a freshly single mom going through a divorce with a borderline individual. Little did I know how much this education would give back to me.

My girls who are 13 and 11, were extremely proud of me and sat next to me watching my graduating class walk online. I had decided to forgo graduation due to various reasons, which was hard because me and a friend had planned to walk it. But, this was okay and being able to watch my girls pride and investment in this graduation still meant the world to me. Fast forward a few weeks and my 11 year old came home not her usual self. She unwound from her visit with dad and finally blurted out, "Dad said that if I go to college I can't get a worthless degree like you did. I have to go after something that I will actually use in life, he said you won't use your degree for anything and it has nothing to do with your job". I sat in silence. I battled so many emotions. Disappointment that a tiger never changes it's stripes. Annoyance at myself because I know this. Sadness that my daughters will have to go the rest of their lives listening to a less than man try to tear down the strength in me that I finally realize intimidates the hell out of him. And pity. Pity that he was that child that grew into a man never having anyone ever believe in him, and never found the strength in himself to go after his dreams.

I looked at her and I simply said, "It makes me happy beyond anything you can ever comprehend and some things are worth more than a salary. What I've gained from my degree will forever enrich my life and your lives in ways you can't even realize". That was enough for her. And it was the truth. I spent $50k and the last four and a half years researching the heck out of high conflict divorce, borderline personalities, NPD and various links to child development within those areas. I learned two crucial things - the kids of divorce will be okay if there is minimal conflict and quality over quantity is what sticks with the kids the most. I have found a passion surrounding the field of high conflict divorce and child development that I'm pretty sure I am not done with school and have found my forever profession once our youngest is old enough for me to return for my PhD. But ultimately, it got through my heart and soul to pick my battles.

Today, I ran across a quote that summed all of my college education perfectly. "Choose your battles wisely. After all, life isn't measured by how many times you stood up to fight. It's not winning battles that makes you happy, but it's how many times you turned away and chose to look into a better direction. Life is too short to spend it warring. Fight only the most, most, most important ones, let the rest go." - C. Joybell C.

That is what I have learned. The child who used to show up to every single fight. The woman who couldn't let go of the fight of her marriage for fear it spelled out failure in capital letters. The mom who wore herself to the bone fighting to be perfection for all the people in her life. I learned to stop fighting. It isn't failure. It isn't flying the white flag. The beauty is learning to walk the other way and save your energy for the big fights. The fights that are so mind and life altering you wished you'd never wasted your time and energy on the small stuff.

Are my kids the big stuff? Yes, without a doubt. Is their dad a concern still and a person living with BPD? Yes, and always will be. Have I learned how to function and parent in a manner where I have learned from the court systems and the disorder in a way that I can make it work for the children in ways that creates minimal battles and a cohesive world where they will have a halfway decent childhood? I'd like to think so.

The big battles are life altering. They are life or death. They are the child of a friend who recently laid her battle down after almost five years to cancer and went and joined our savior and Lord. Those are the big battles that consume everything in you and either waylay your soul to the lost or revive them for the Lord. They are the worst of the worst that any parent can ever imagine. Watching those battles . . . have humbled my own. I'm fighting for my children's souls, but the fighting was counter productive and far from the image and lesson I was trying to portray and teach my kids.

"Are we going to church soon, mommy?" The 4 year old asked me today and I smiled while nodding my head. "Yes honey, do you love going?" She shook her head empathetically and said "YES! It's my favorite".

"Mom, thanks for sharing my birthday I had a really good time with you and dad", my 7 year old said the other day. I had gone out of my comfort zone and asked his dad if maybe we could just share the day and meet at the lake with our jet skis and do bbq and presents. He had agreed and somehow we managed to get along long enough for our son to have the first birthday he will remember with all of us. Was it awkward? Hell yes. Was my anxiety sky high from years of abuse and ptsd? Yep. But did my son know the difference and did my ex try to swim outside his lane? Nope.

These are the moments we can put to the side and save for the bigger battles. The ones that consume us and we have to fight for all we have simply to keep our kids alive, battles I pray none of us parents will ever have to face. But I do not hold a fortune teller in my mind nor do I see what life path is before us. So I have put to the side my fight and I have prayed for peace and knowledge. I put together the knowledge I have of BPD and the courts and child development and my education. I gray rock it as often as possible and when need be I take opportune times for me and their dad to put our crap to the side and put them first. It's been almost six years since I filed for divorce fearing for our lives. I've taken notes, I've done my due diligence and I've stopped being scared. Education is empowerment. Education is freedom. Knowledge is power.

I'm saving up for the bigger battles. I'm saving my energy and fight for the moments that really matter and I pray none of us ever, ever, ever have to face them. But if fate decides to tempt us, I hope she is forewarned that this mama isn't an easy fight and I will be prepared. The storm lives inside of me from many many years of torture and triumph and I will fight back when it matters most. In the meantime I'm living a happy life in the moments that I have learned how to turn away from fight and found something better. I'm focusing on the better we have been blessed with in every moment we choose not to engage in the fight.