Living in Grace

Sometimes I think words are easier to say than actually live out. I hear a lot about giving forgiveness, grace, realizing that others are just doing the best they can. But when I look, I wonder where the outward actions that show people are willing to live those statements lie? How are they doing the best they can when actions speak far louder than words.

I had promised myself to get back to regular blogging, but have failed miserable. 6 kids at home, a full time job, the oldest getting married . . . it just never stops and by the end of the day I'd rather enjoy mindlessly unwinding to a show before tucking into bed and passing out. January hit us full force. We knew it was coming but receiving the call that my husband's father had passed away still knocked the breath out of us. So we scurried and made quick plans to head to Arizona to say goodbye and help my mother in law.

Death is never easy. Death of a dear one's loved one is even harder for me because I am so sensitive and ache not only for my own loss but more for the loss my loved ones are reeling from. Watching this family come together and love each other and honor their father/spouse shattered me in so many ways I felt like an outsider watching in. His love for his family was sacrificial and never ending. With this dear man I finally understood the love of agape that Christ hold's for each of us. As a family we went and got tattoos to commemorate, I chose the word agape with an arrow and 4 dots - each dot for my father, my brother, my grandma and my father in law who I love deeply and have lost.

This trip also proved to be double emotional for me. As I lost a dearly beloved one, I gained another. God and my father in law, and possibly my own father and brother and grandma  must have had something to do with this one because the timing was orchestrated at the Universe level. I had heard for about 7 years that I may have had another sister on bio dad's side. In fact bio dad had never been shy and fully admitted to me once it could up to 3 other siblings out there but he wasn't sure. When my sisters told me about this particular one it came across to me as if they weren't really sure she was a sibling or not, at that time in my life I was full throttle in a crappy marriage and popping out babies and had distanced myself from bio dad because I didn't really understand addition or him, something I've grown to understand and regret now that I know more. Recently I did a dna test on Ancestry, the results came back at the end of the year and I was surprised at the ethnicity and started to question a lot of things. I stopped worrying about and then literally the week before my father in law died, a match popped up on Ancestry with a link to someone by the name of R, I knew that name! This was the possible sister I'd been convinced was related to me. It popped up as a half sibling or 1st cousin (which share the same amount of dna, as well as nieces or nephews do as well).

I sat on it and told my mom that she was for sure a sibling but really didn't do too much more because I didn't even know where to begin. And then the news of father in law hit. As we were driving to Arizona the next day I got onto my facebook, found R and sent her a message asking if she'd like to meet because she had matched as a genetic half sister on ancestry via our father and I would be in town that weekend. I was a nervous wreck the moment I sent it. I don't do vulnerable, I'd learned my lesson about family and after the fiasco with my dad's death I didn't really want to ruffle my sister's feelings. But what are the odds that I would be in a town 7 hours away where my unknown half sister and my in laws had been living unknowingly for years!?

The weekend was full of emotion, losing one of the greatest men I knew and being there for my loved ones paired with meeting a woman who looked so much like me and had children and grandchildren I'd never known opened my heart in ways I never have before. There is so much to say about R, we are very much alike. I told her that I had been told I had a twin siblings, but it had not made it past halfway through the pregnancy. MY entire life I'd wished that twin had made it because then I would have at least one other person on the planet who understood what it felt like to be me with my family dynamic and watching my sister's go to my dad's and him not wanting me or whatever it was and leaving me behind. That day, after hearing R's stories of her life and her experience with our bio dad, I had found another person on the planet who understood it perfectly. She is literally the only person who will ever have that, and has lived it and gets it. Amidst my deep sadness I was gifted this great joy of a sister that felt like home. She shared pictures and our likeness was unreal when she was younger. Her son looks like my dad, and her grandchildren look like my children and nephews and nieces.

The emotional gravity of this is something I still cannot express fully. A part of me I had thought was forever lost was back. Suddenly, losing bio father hurt a little less. I had found another piece of him. I heard her tell me "He loved all his children and wished we all could meet, he talked about each and everyone with me". Hearing how her oldest daughter had the same reaction to vaccines as my own oldest daughter confirmed the suspicions I had always had that it was genetic on my side. Hearing how they were diagnosed with almost the same disease and being given info to further advocate for my daughter was amazing. Meeting my niece who was 28 and a mom of 2 was so emotional, who knew I had more nieces and nephews and grand nieces and nephews! She shared love and joy with few words, R reassured me with stories we shared and matching up timelines. I had always wished I had a sister as a best friend. My 2 oldest sisters were either best friends or fist fighting growing up, now they are super close. My 2 younger sisters were two peas in a pod and are still best friends today. My other sister (step dad's daughter, but she isn't a step to me as I love her dearly) is really close with her little brother on her mom's side. And there is me, always feeling the empty space of a lost sibling and never really growing close to my sisters. Mostly out of my own choices but also because I just wasn't like them as much as they were like their closest in age siblings. But that day I found my friend, not just a sister.

It is awkward and new and scary and wonderful all at once. I'm not a hugger but I asked her if i could have one and told her I loved her, because I don't ever want the regret I have with bio dad. We promised we'd see each other again and since then have been in contact via facebook and text. We are planning another trip this spring so that I can spend more time with them as well as check in on mother in law. My kids cannot wait to meet all of them and are so excited our family grew. My mom was amazing. I called her one of the last nights we were in Arizona. I was emotionally, physically, and spiritually overwhelmed between viewing my father in law, watching my husband and his family say goodbye, saying goodbye myself, and meeting my sister. I simply wanted to hear my mother's voice and tell her how happy I was. That I'd finally found my closure I'd been not allowed to have regarding bio dad.

She answered the phone and asked how I was doing. I told her I was overwhelmed. She reminded me to take care of myself, much like I always remind her to do. I filled her in on all that had happened over the last week and she told me she could hear the joy in my voice. I told her I had been so scared of hurting my sisters or scaring them away again, that I had hesitated to meet R but I finally did something 100% for myself by meeting her and I was really proud of that. I was thankful God opened this door when He did and grateful the stars aligned that they lived in the same town. She reminded me of how good of a person I am and told me how happy she was to hear I was happy and finding closure. Something she had been praying for me to find. No easy feat as her and my bio dad didn't really ever have good terms with each other. I told my mom that even though I'd wanted pictures and a few things back that had been lost from bio dad, this made it to where I got the best part of all. I got another piece of him, a good and loving piece. A piece who knows what my soul survived in the midst of this mess of life we all tried to do the best we could. A piece who has empathy and love and only wanted to be loved by her family. A piece a lot like myself. I told her i loved her and thanked my mom for listening and she thanked me for not hiding it from me and sharing it because it is something that is important to me. She laughed and said that my sisters rarely share anything serious with her for fear of her melting or cracking. I told her that I've been blessed with a good relationship with her in that we both have and know our boundaries and if it's too much for the other person we know and expect them to say so, and neither of us leave with hurt feelings because of it. It reminded me of how far my relationship with my mother has come and how much I love her for loving me as I am, just as I love her as she is.

The weeks since have been a whirlwind. I hurt my back and we still don't know what is going on. My husband's oldest daughter had an amazingly beautiful wedding that I got to enjoy and be counted as family. Oldest daughter - C - was stunning and beautiful and gracious and I love her so much, and her sweet new husband. C's mom was gorgeous and gracious. She was adamant I walk as family being stepmom and introduced with the wedding party and parents. She danced and we laughed and the families intermingled and loved on the kids who were starting their lives new. And I found myself thinking - even if you screw up at the beginning something really beautiful can still come from it. C's mom and I get each other and know what it's like to put our kids first at all costs, how hard being a single mom is, how hard coparenting and sharing kids is, and how to love someone else's children as they need and to respect and honor the mother who raised them. Watching this family heal and come back full circle with a few new kids and spouses was a beautiful sight to behold, one I will never forget.

As we wind into spring I'm praying things slow down for a bit. Softball starts, then summer starts, then soccer and we start the chaos all over again. But for the first time in a few years I have an added peace in my heart. I've been given a gift as I go into my 38th year and I don't intend on wasting or taking it for granted. This year I intend on living in grace. I intend on showing by my actions, not simply my words. This is the year we grow, age, and show and share grace.