Glimpse of both worlds

Today we went and supported our K9 and my niece’s police department. It’s been a rough few months and working out has sadly lost its priority in my life. But we drove the 2 hours and joined my family. We ran, somehow, and we survived. It wasn’t my worst or best 5k. 38 minutes despite forgetting some of my running gear at home. But I’m probably mentally, emotionally and physically in the worst shape I’ve ever been when tackling a 5k. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I hadn’t planned on running at all when my 9 year old about melted into tears that his 2 older teenage sisters could go start ahead of us with my other niece and Tara’s group of friends. And it hit me. Each of these kids are grieving the best they know how. So we slow jogged. He was a trooper and he worked through his emotions of missing her right there on the course much to my heartache and odd relief.

We finished. I had gone ahead while they took a break with my other niece. I finished at 38 minutes and then looped around damning my shin splints that popped up for the first time in years, and went back until I found the kids, my niece and Tara’s good friends. And I trailed them and cheered them on through the finish line.

We grabbed our medals, took pictures and then walked through the safety set up with loads of booths and the K9 and other units set up. I hugged my family goodbye and said we were headed back up to my parents house only to feel guilty because it wasn’t even 10 am her and they had fire truck upon police car set up for the kids to view. I caved.

We turned around and walked through the booths and emergency vehicles. We told every LEO thank you and hugged as many people as we could. We ended up at the K9 stand where the kids loved on 2 particular K9s - Reno and Hobbes who my kids stuck to like glue. During the chaos of juggling 5 kids and a ton of people (hello anxiety overload) vehicles started moving. My kids were still stuck to the K9s.

As the police vehicles began moving around my eye was caught by a light blue dress, a sparkly blonde girl maybe around the age of 6, 7 tops, in what reminded me of a Dorothy costume was standing on the side of one of the PD vehicles completely carefree and proud of her father. It hit me in the gut and I flashed back to my niece at that age and how she continued to possess the ability to share pride and carefree happiness everywhere she went.

I walked, willing myself with everything in me not to cry. Not in public. I’d made it this far without doing it. And I pushed the stroller into the next Old Sacramento brick and wood walkway and turned back to look. I saw that sparkly, wee blonde girl full of pride and honor holding tight onto the driver door as they moved slowly ( not even 5mph) with her sparkly shoes. I hoped for a moment it was a full circle type of thing. Maybe it was. But for me, it was a shot across the heart of complete pain. So instead I focus on the wins today. I focus on an innocent child filled with glee from moments being a super hero.

And I am spent. I miss you lady. I’m pissed you aren’t here any more. I’m heartbroken for your parents and siblings and watching my kids melt down with the pain of missing you, it all breaks me. But you wouldn’t want it to. So I put one foot in front of the other today. For you and you alone. I hugged your sister and BFF tight, we talked about the past and didn’t want to let go. I begged my brain and the universe to let that sparkly little girl in blue have a much more magical outcome. I rubbed your mom’s back wondering how the heck she carries through with such love and grace while swallowing back so much love and heartbreak I don’t even know how people stand with all this. I’m most likely not standing. I am left wishing I could do MORE!

I miss you. So flipping much. I miss the space you held and would have filled today-  thrilled having all your family together to support your Pd family. And how you would have grinned in complete defiant joy at our relief somebody finally bought Grammie DILL freaking pickles (that’s a solid I owe you for and when I asked Grammie who bought them, it brought a deep smile to her)!! How the space you filled during family get togethers was so breathtakingly empty. We are trying. I hope you know that. We are trying so hard for you, in memory of you, because of you! And we love  you. Endlessly.  We still don’t know how to do this life without you. Like, at all. But we are trying. I hope you know that but I’m pretty sure you already do. Thanks for being the collective best of all of us and putting up with us. I don’t think you’ll ever know how much you were loved. But maybe you do, maybe you have always flown on that love. I hope so. I’ll try to keep loving and living on that hope. And on the hardest of days I’ll think back to those sparkly, magic days when we had you with us sharing all the happiness and excitement it has to offer.