The jury is still out

We have now been homeschooling for 6 months, I feel its a miracle I've lasted this long! While I am still unsure on my final feelings about it, my daughter is thriving with it. She has completely blossomed and opened up. She enjoys learning and seems to have made leaps and bounds in her education. With that I am very happy.

But some days I find myself missing the moments of taking her to and from school and hearing all about her days. Of volunteering in her class once a week and being able to put someone else in charge of her education. I am a very hands on mom and take charge of everything. I try not to be a control freak, but know that I like things a certain way. So when my dd started school it was a huge relief that there was finally something I could entrust to another more prepared and educated for the role of teacher. Then our world came crashing down in August after a child violated my daughter's safety.

Now 6 months later, we are making progress but I still wonder if this is something I'll continue into next year. There seems to be a very even list of pros and cons and that is what makes it hard to go one way or another.

I love that our family routine and sleep schedule is not imposed upon by the hours of school. My children thrive best when put to sleep between 9-9:45 pm and can wake up between 9 and 9:30 am. The meltdowns are less, the fighting and urging and nagging in the mornings to "hurry up and get ready" are in the past. I love that I am able to redirect and take breaks as needed. When my daughter gets frustrated, we can walk away and go do something else, only to come back to it when she's in a better place. I enjoy that my children and I get to spend quality time together learning. I enjoy that my girls are able to participate in gymnastics and swimming, something we could not afford if not for the charter funds we receive. I love our homeschool group. Every thursdays at park day is my most treasured day of the week. And i love knowing every minute of every day, where my daughter is and that under my watchful eye she is safe.

My dislikes include the fact that often days i feel like I'm drowning. I have no outlets or breaks, i spend 24/7 with my children. Except for the rare OB appt where i drop them off with my mother for an hour, the rest of the time is all of us. And I've never been one to enjoy being immersed in something all the time. I do miss the freedom of work and to be able to accomplish those things I am good at, take a break from my children and help support our family. Some days i do wish i could just have a half a day a week where I was able to do my own things. I miss the social interaction of school. Daily we would interact with other mothers and students, i miss that desperately. And without a car, scheduling daily outings for socialization for myself has become near impossible. Like today, we are missing Thursdays park day. Totally bites. I hate that i get frustrated with my daughter when she doesn't get something she got yesterday. Her demeanor is so opposite me that I don't know how to take it and often react in a way that I wish i wouldn't. Usually its pure frustration on my end. I also don't like the fact that my youngest is so high energy that to homeschool both has become a fight, daily. And i hate to admit, homeschooling has made me realize that i am not one of those parents who genuinely enjoys teaching her children. I am ashamed to admit to it. I am attached to my children in all ways, except this.

So as the list tallies itself up, I am forced to choose. A choice i do not like to make and have never had to make before in my 6 years of parenting. Do i choose what is best for my children? Or do i learn to get over my fears and pray that my child is safe, to do what is best for myself?

I haven't come up with the answer yet, and I'm unsure how to. We shall see how the remaining months of school go.