Assumptions, the mother of all evils

I apologize, it's been a long time coming for me to blog. Life has obviously gotten in the way and I have made it my vow to appreciate every single moment of our last child's moments. I know he is my last, and therefor i have wanted to soak up every single moment of it. Some would argue that is the very reason to blog about it, but for me i have written about every single moment of my other children's lives . . . and this, these very precious and amazing moments have been just for me. I marvel in his presence and together we learn who we are. It's pure love, i tell you.

But, that isn't the reason i came to write tonight. Obviously. Today, as we all know. Is black Friday. A day where Americans spend frivolously. And until today, i have not given in. But payday fell just on the right date and just the right sales hit that i decided i would NOT wake up at the crack of dawn as i have a breastfeeding 5 month old, but we would pack up the entire family around noon and head out.

That is where my world came into itself. I was politely minding my own business at Target, DH had taken the 3 kids off to explore tv's in hopes that it would keep their interest while i grabbed a few last minute presents. I sneaked off into the infant aisle, just to make sure that i had not missed anything for ds who would be 6 months old by Christmas because i realized . . .we'd not gotten him anything yet (gah what awful parents lol). And there sat a beautiful mother pregnant in i'd say her early last trimester with her mother, discussing the pros and cons of a particular cosleeper. Now i must note, normally when in public i keep my opinion to myself, part of the joy of parenthood is learning it for yourself. But the mom and grandma were adamantly opposed, and my experience did waiver on the side of the mom. So i said, "Excuse me? If you don't mind a bit of unsolicited advice, that cosleeper is going to be a waste of money. My ds outgrew it before he was even 2 months old. First years makes an awesome co sleeper that can also operate as a bassinet with a light and sounds that fit my 9 lb son until about 4 months old, only if you're interested". The mom politely said, "Thank you SO much, i've been debating between these two! And that is just what i needed to know!" And then the grandma said, "What do you know? I've had 2 kids and my dd has miscarried 4 babies and had to conceive this baby via IVF and it was NO easy journey, let me tell you . . ." The woman proceeded to go on, and on, and on. I sat, i knew my ds would be needing to be nursed soon. I knew my dh would be wondering what the heck was taking me so long. But i stopped, and i listened. I took in the pained look on her daughter's face, and i took on the excruciating pain that the mother had as she explained to me how her daughter had the best mother's intuition and she knew what was right for her child.

And i apologized. I said, "I am soooo sorry. I very rarely intercept my opinion with other parents. But i just wanted to be helpful. I really am sorry, i meant NO harm and i didn't mean that your daughter did not have the best of mother's intention. And just so you know ma'am, I was a surrogate, for a couple who ended up NOT being able to conceive for themselves and i never ever thought to tell them how to parent. You're daughter is amazing and beautiful, and she had everything she needs to know within her heart and within you. I never meant to tell her how to parent. I simply didn't want another woman to waste her money on a marketing gimmick as me and my husband had" The grandma was silent. And then her daughter laughed, so hard i was shocked. She said to me, "No one has EVER made my mom unable to speak. Thank you, sometimes my mother is TOO overprotective and just doesn't get that sometimes a woman in the aisle isn't trying to show off her fertility, but she's genuinely trying to help another mother in the amazing technologies of today and thank you for speaking up. Too many of my friends are afraid to share with me or tell me what worked with them for parenting because we have undergone such devastating losses". I almost cried. I told her that she was an amazing woman and she was going to be a great mom. That my journey as a surrogate was something that had taught me that we ALL come to motherhood in our own shape and form. And i walked away thinking of her and her unborn child, knowing that motherhood is it's own special journey, even though we have no clue what is to come.

And then as i rounded the corner i thought of the little girl i had given birth to, almost 2 years previously. That mother had no idea what i had undergone, she had no clue what type of year i had endured to be a surrogate. And she had no clue the pain i had undergone and the intensive healing i had to put forth to move on. Because, my sadness didn't let on. It wasn't there. For that i am rejoicing. I am amazed and thankful to say, I am blessed to be a surrogate. No matter what we go through, no matter how amazing or how hard it is, in the end. . . . it's always a phoenix process, whether it's our own children or that of another person, we learn through the good and the bad. And at the end of the day, i am so very thankful for the bits and pieces of knowledge that i was blessed with. And as this fall sets, and i have lost 4 very dear and close people to my heart. . . i know this to be true. Life is what you are thankful for. I could dwell in the pain of my past, but really from those ashes arose a greater and better person/life. So i have nothing to mourn. I know that will be the same with the deaths i am working at overcoming. And the same for this sweet and amazing mother that i met in Target. She wasn't wanting to be focused on the pain that she had undergone, but she was simply just thankful to have another mother speak to her about parenting. And that, i get. Life is about moving forward. We take the time to mourn those that we have lost, the hard work we have sacrificed in this life, but ultimately . . . we want to honor the moments in life where we move forward. I thank the woman in target today for doing that. And i thank my surrogacy for giving me the ability to realize that moving forward is a wonderful thing.