You got your boy now

Everywhere we go, when I have both girls and the boy in tow, I get the same comment. "So, you finally got your boy now". Originally, this just irritated me to no end. I felt as if these strangers were implying that our life was incomplete without a boy in our family. That our family was less than with our two beautiful and perfect girls, who were in fact the completion of our family. I never felt the pining or desire to have a boy. There were no hopes to have another child in fact. Our family of four was perfect for us and we were contented. Our surprise at our conception of another child, floored me and unsettled me. I was fearful and worried about having a boy, I knew how to do girls. I was no expert, but I knew what girls' entailed, coming from a family of having 5 sisters and mostly nieces. I felt equipped and secure that I could raise another child, if only this child would be another girl.

So we spent the entire pregnancy not knowing what that little being was. I felt ill equipped to carry for 20 weeks knowing it was a boy and being full of fear. As my due date approached, i remained in denial. Though all the signs and my mother's intuition felt that I was carrying my first son. I craved mustard (something I normally hate, but DH eats as if there weren't enough mustard on the shelves if he didn't eat all he could in each sitting), got blackheads for the first time in my life (something that has bothered my DH's skin for the entirety of his life), gained 44 lbs during the pregnancy (where as with the 3 girls i had carried, i had only gained 28 lbs, 18 lbs and 14 lbs) and was huge. I had my heart set on the most perfect of girl names, ViviAnne Marie, after my grandmother, mother and myself. And while we had chosen Ryder for a boy name, we had no clue what the middle name would be and kept telling ourselves it didn't matter because we had to be having another girl.

As I went overdue, I was tempted with options of ways to naturally induce. But I was adamant that I would do nothing to force this child out of me as I felt strongly that if I let the child and my body work together I would be able to have that perfect and pain free childbirth I had dreamt of and knew I was capable of. So i sat and whined and gestated. After the 41 week mark hit, I fell into a sort of depression. I knew that birth was going to happen, I could not be pregnant forever. But I had to confront my fears and my heart's inner most desires regarding having a boy versus a girl. At 41 weeks and 2 days, I locked myself into the bathroom and left the girls with my DH. I lit my favorite raspberry candles, I turned on my ipod and listened to my centering music. Music that always hits at my soul and then the waterworks began. My son was speaking to me, in the only language he knew. Love. Clear and undying love. There was this helpless and perfect little being, nestled up inside my womb, begging for permission to come not only into this world, but into my heart as I had managed to go 41 weeks and 2 days, completely closed off to the ability to love a son. He spoke to me and I heard him, I remember sitting in that bathtub where the water barely came to my naval and my breasts and knees were fully exposed, and saying out loud, "Little man, I know you're in there. I'm sorry I haven't nurtured our relationship thus far and I promise I will love you for ALL that you are and all you will become the moment you are earthside. I love you and will learn to parent you, it will be an adventure and I can't say I'm not scared, but I will love you to the ends of this earth and beyond. I give you permission to come into our life and my heart" I spent the rest of the bath relaxed and peaceful.

The rest is history, little man made his presence known around 9 the next morning when I finally realized i was truly in labor. I will remember until the day i die, the first time our souls connected. This is a gift that none of my previous children or my surrogate daughter had given me. He gave me a painless childbirth where with each contraction, I felt his energy as it was passing down and out into this world. The raw and emotion filled energy of one soul touching and leaving another, is something I imagine much to be what I will feel when it comes time for me to leave this earth. And i feel so very blessed to have those moments and know what the energy of life really feels like in all it's glory, fear and power. I will also forever remember the exact moment that our lives that love collided. I pushed once and his head was out, I reached down and cupped his head in the palm of my head and thought how soft and miraculous that little head was as he was finally leaving my body and entering into our lives. To this day, my most favorite thing to do is nestle my nose and lips in the soft area of his head and feel his downy hair against my face. I breath in this little man that has been put in my charge, this little man who took a leap of faith by choosing a mama who had been adamantly opposed to ever parenting a boy. And every time i kiss his soft and perfect downy head, i am overcome with that memory of our very first touch. I remember those sweet hours of labor and that moment of knowing I was the mother of a son. I never even needed to check between his legs, I just knew Ryder was home and he had chosen us. Though I asked dh for confirmation with my eyes, as I leaned into look and announce who was joining our family.

And so, when people comment about how we finally got our boy or tease my DH about finally putting the stem on the apple, I can't help but think that these people truly have no idea what it's all about for me. Ryder wasn't about achieving a boy. He was my gift. A gift I never knew I wanted or needed or would be eternally grateful for. He was a gift that my husband and I created that put the final pieces of my soul back together after a harrowing journey into surrogacy. Many, many parents will talk about the heart break and breakdown of being infertile. But few surrogates will speak about the heartbreak and breakdown of one's soul after being used as a surrogate. Many surrogates don't experience it, for which i am grateful. Most are treated with honesty, respect, kindness and love. They aren't lied to and manipulated or purposely hurt and then forgotten. I was. For months I didn't want to admit to it for fear of being viewed as a victim or a needy surrogate. Neither of which I am, as I start out on my next quest as becoming a surrogate for a new family. But, I was hurt and I was broken. Probably the most hurt and broken I had ever been in my entire life. I walked away from baby E and her parents, a very different person. Barely getting through each moment as I had spent the previous 10 months giving my all and protecting a child who's parent's didn't care for me. I lost everything I thought I knew and I walked away feeling like a child, who knew nothing and realized what a big and scary world it was.

And when I conceived Ryder, I feared I didn't have the pieces of my heart and life back together enough to be a good mother all over again. I feared that I had lost too much, and I would not ever be the person I wanted to be. I worked hard during that pregnancy with therapy and self reflection to become whole again. I did a great job on my own, but I cannot take all the credit. I do not believe that a child's job is to ever heal their parents. That is a job all on our own that we must commit to and forge out on, so as not to pass on the pain to our children. But again, just when i thought i knew everything, I was taught that I know nothing at all. And Ryder was our gift, he was my gift, he was my very own phoenix process. He was my gift of learning to forgive, whole heartedly and with zero expectantcy of anything in return. He was my gift of healing, of knowing that while my surrogacy had changed me, it was not for the worst as I had feared. But for the better. I am a stronger, more empathetic and kinder human being. I am a calmer and more patient mother. And I am thankful. I am thankful for this gift of my son, that sometimes I can only figure I was given because the Universe knew that I needed something more than i was ever willing to give myself.

And that gift was my dear sweet son. That gift is in the simple moments of my son grasping my hand and grinning from ear to ear. It is in the awe of watching this little boy, who looks just like me when I was a baby. It is the gift of watching him as he latches on and drinks the milk and has a look of complete contentment on his face. It is in being exhausted after only getting an hour of sleep, having sore nipples and a sick family . . . and rolling over to a baby who looks as if he just saw a fairy as he grins at you with a sparkle in his eye and i realize, he remembers the promise i made him and he loves me more than any other being on this earth. I never enjoyed the baby stage so much with my girls, i loved them and adored every moment. But my son has taught me that once you get past the reality that parenting an infant is hard work, it is also the most blessed time in my life that I will ever have. It is the only time in one's life where you have complete permission to just be.

Do I love him more than my girls? No. But I love myself more than I ever thought possible. Do i feel a sense in pride at finally getting a boy? Nope. But i sure do feel humility and grace at being given a chance to experience something that I was terrified of and being able to watch myself succeed. Do I let the comments of random strangers bother me? No, not anymore. Instead I smile with a twinkle in my eye and think to myself that me and my son will forever have a special little secret that the random stranger in target has no clue about. Do i feel blessed and contented? Every moment of every day.