Sometimes you feel like you're an island

March will mark our 2 years of being a 'military family'. Originally when dh signed up with the National Guard, I was overwhelmed and had a lot of questions. Thankfully one of my friends (M) that I met at my daughter's school, became my best friend. Her son and my oldest daughter hit it off and became best friends too. When dh found out that he was going to get laid off from AT&T after 10 years of perfect employment, we didn't know what to do. We tossed the idea around of him following his teen dreams of joining the Air Force. We quickly learned he was too old to do so, and wondered what he could do. M's dh happened to be AGR (Army Guard Reserves) and had a lot of info and knew a lot of people. So we went to them with our thoughts and complete curiousity. Dh took a practice asvab test and when he hit it out of the park, M's dh suggested he look seriously into joining the National Guard. Originally he suggested AGR, but I was not comfortable with the thought of 18 month long deployments every 4-5 years and was terrified of him going to Iraq and being in the midst of it. I am proud of being an American, but am selfish in the fact that I wanted my children to know their father.

So we researched and asked many questions. We took over 6 months to weigh the pros and cons. Then we found a federal technician job that suited dh's career goals and experience to a T. We found that he had to be a National Guardsman to fill the position and it sealed the deal. He chose an MOS that wasn't as war needed as something like a Medic and he went into communications. He took his Asvab's and scored one of the highest scores they's seen in years and we went forward after realizing that he would be offered a program called School First on top of a GI bill. He would be nondeployable (written into his contract) for his first 2 years of service, as long as he was enrolled in school. Many of the higher ups explained that if he did well in school they would want to keep him home, especially for his work on something called the J-6.

And away went my dh to Basic Combat Training and AIT, it was suppose to be a total of 9 months and the first few days were torture. I didn't cry a single tear those first few weeks, I knew I had to be strong for my girls who were having their whole worlds turned upside down with daddy not only gone, but unable to be reached by phone or any communications what so ever with him. As the weeks turned into months, life become normal for us. We learned how to be a team, just me and my 2 girls. We were lucky enough to have it be summer time and we spent every minute of every day doing things outside of our home. That summer was probably some of our best memories, looking back. We had no one to answer to and nothing to hold us back (aside from being broke lol) to do as we pleased. We took trips to local things that were free, spent every night swimming until about 8:30 pm. My girls were happy, healthy and sleeping soundly.

My friend M, understood how hard it was to be a single parent with no weekend visitation on the realm of reality. As a military wife, you do it all and there are no breaks unless you have a great family or support system that gives you the breaks you need. It became just me and my girls, we'd spend our weeks filled with playdates. But the weekends were the hardest. All my friends' dh's were off work and they spent time as a family. I got it, and would be doing the same if my dh had been home. But he wasn't, and weekends were always torture for us.

I'll never forget my first moments of being inducted into military wifehood. The first time was when M's dh met me at the local place where you get your military ID's and other things for your family. My mom took the girls and I felt like a bee in the midst of allergic people. I've never felt comfortable around weapons, or even people in uniform. I've always felt thankful for their service, but still felt as if i didn't understand their service or sacrifices. So we walked in and first had to show 2 forms of ID, go through a weapons check and finally a metal detector. I was breaking out into a sweat by the time we walked back to get my military ID. I was torn between being thankful that M's dh was in charge of the unit dh had joined and able to walk me through this not only as his job, but knowing that his wife and I were best friends. He explained everything and at one point, looked me in the eyes and asked if i was ok. That was the first time i almost burst into tears. But i held it back and remembered the motto dh and i had adopted "Short term sacrifice for long term gain" and i almost giggled as i looked at him and said "Nope, i'm fine. Army strong".

Being a Guardsman, you have certain benefits and disadvantages that many in the Army, Marines, Navy and Air Force wont understand. While it is said that Guardsmen serve 1 weekend a month and 2 weeks a year, they serve year long for 6-8 years. So we are forced to sit in the cusp of 'different'. We don't serve every day and have constant deployments and moves where every few years the military deems which base we are to head to. We stay in California, only moving units if dh requests it (since that time he has, and has been moved to a unit about 1.5 hours away). But, with it as a military wife, it is incredibly easy to feel as if nobody understands the type of life you lead. You feel like a full on military wife during BCT and AIT (which for us was thankfully shortened to just over 7 months of dh being gone), and you get as much info and support from other wives who have been through deployments. I found that many of the wives, while they had been through deployments for their spouses, had not been there when their dh's had joined into the military. Many had dated and married after their spouses had been in the military for years. So for us, it was a huge hit. We dropped on the financial scale drastically and had to deal with a dh and father gone.

But once your dh returns, he is free to get any full time job that he decides. He is only required to work 1 weekend a month and 2 weeks a year and whenever the unit is deployed. But my dh decided to get a federal job for the actual CA National Guard. So every day my dh leaves for work in his ACU's (those are the fatigues/ camo's that you see soldiers wearing). A few months ago i started realizing how much of an enigma this can make a wife feel like. We go out about about after dh get's off work from time to time, often times he will meet us still in his ACU's due to time and appointments or classes or the girls' activities. I can't tell you how many times we've been thanked for dh's service (which still makes me uncomfortable because we don't need to be thanked, dh does so willingly and proudly as do we) or asked if he just got home. Many people in our area don't realize that there are many units and jobs within 20 minutes of our home that employ military personel. So they are surprised to find out that he is home and has been for a year and working for the Guard full time. But many don't understand it at all.

For instance: I'll never forget when dh was able to get a pass from AIT for Labor Day weekend. We were so thrilled and blessed by the kindness of one of DH's best friends who decided to give dh tickets home since he knew how hard it had become on our girls' not having seen him for 5 months. We went to the airport and I didn't tell the girls' why, just said i wanted to take them to see airplanes as we had a spare day and we drove out to Oakland. We got there, the girls dressed in their red, white and blue dresses . . .my heart beating a million miles a minute trying to figure out how to capture it on the camera and make sure DH knew how much i loved him. We went inside and the girls thought it was so cool to see where the luggage comes from and the boards that tell you when each airplane is in and out of the airport. I saw that dh's flight had just landed and sat in complete anticipation. And then, I told the girls to look down the terminal because we weren't going to be able to go on an actual plane or see any today but maybe what they saw would be better. And both girls looked, then my youngest looked at me and said there's just people. And my oldest looked, then looked back and her face lit up and she grew so excited she could do nothing but point and jump. And there down the terminal came OUR hero. Their father and my DH, the world's most important man in our lives. I can replay that moment a thousand times in my mind and know just how thrilling it is to have a soldier come home. We all were teary eyed, even DH. And at that exact moment in time came a touch, something i'll remember for the rest of my life, a woman who was college aged came up and tapped me on the shoulder and asked if i'd like to capture my soldier's homecoming on my camera while i enjoyed it for myself. I said yes, and she continued to catch video and pictures for us while i got to go in and hug my dh and revel in my children's joy. That woman, a complete stranger, understood that moment in my life as nobody else ever could. She didn't need to know where he was coming from or what we'd gone through the previous months, she just saw 2 little girls and 1 wife so thrilled beyond words to have their soldier home and we didn't want to have to share that moment. She gave us that gift. And afterwards when she thanked us for DH's service we both looked at her with tears in our eyes, and I told her that i was so thankful for her service in allowing us the ability to capture those precious moments for myself and my children. I let her know that he had only just come home from training, he hadn't been off fighting the war. But it didn't matter to her, she didn't care if he was fighting, training or just off on a work trip. She was proud to have witnessed a soldier and their family reuniting.

There are so many moments of my dh's service that are tinged with my expectations and feeling as if we are different. He hasn't fought in a war, he hasn't been gone watching his buddies get hurt or dying. He hasn't had to go through ptsd or losing body parts. But as my best friend reminded me, he is a soldier and he serves every day not only protecting our country but our state because of his MOS and his job. Sometimes, i have a hard time wrapping my head around it all. I expect reverance and appreciation to be given to those who have served in times of war and lost a great deal, not to a soldier who has yet to experience war. Mostly because i understand what a small sacrafice my children have made for my DH's career, it is nothing compared to those military wives who live on base or watch their DH's be deployed time and time again.

This is a long post, and i'm sorry if it seems to be going no where. I havent blogged on much of it as i haven't been able to wrap my head around where my emotions fall. And today, I was able to peg it. I drove into the commissary, which is a good hour drive for us. I could go to Safeway or Winco or any other grocery store and save money with coupons and deals. But for us, still on a much lower pay than what we'd previously lived on, we try to stay very frugal. So i loaded up my oldest daughter and my 6 month old son. Thankfully my mother and my sister who was in from Canada for the holidays, agreed to take my middle 'hyperactive' child for a few hours. I thought for sure i'd make the 55 minute drive there and back and at most spend 40 minutes getting groceries (little did i know it would be a 5 hour excursion). I rarely go to the commissary as it is a huge undertaking of our time, and our dear old suburban (Lola as we have lovingly nicknamed her) is not the most gas friendly beast on the road! But as I pulled in, it hit me. Each and every time I am shopping at the commissary I am hit with appreciation. Here, each and every patron get's me. Regardless if i'm Air Force, Navy, Army, Marine or Guard . . . they all know what it is like to live the life of the military.

So in i went, loaded up my youngest in my Moby wrap (rather self consciously i might add, as i've not gotten the hang of it still) and showed my military ID. And we started to shop. Now the commissary is not your normal grocery store. You're only allowed in if you have military ID and if not, you must be sponsered by someone who has it. So almost every single person that you come across, has served or has loved someone who has served. And this is the place that lately i feel the most at home. I don't feel self conscious about my weight that i don't like, or my kids who i adore, or my unease of normal interactions. And as I walked through the store and interacted with people (something rare at normal grocery stores) i smiled. Today was the day after payday, so all the retirees were in full force shopping. And i had about 5 older gentlemen move out of the way and tell me to go ahead and thank me for my service/ dh's service. I thanked them in return. I had about 3 crazy old women follow me through out the store (i kid you not) and try to touch my 6 month old son. Which for the record, if you're older and I tell you that my kid sas RSV please run, because you may be at risk for picking it up. It's not just me being an overprotective mom.

The friendly smiles, the warm greetings, the "how are you? Happy new year" wasn't something that strangers say to each other, it was something that family shares. We all are part of this amazing family, that at times shocks the heck out of me. But we are one, one big military family. And each and every person 'got' what my life entailed without ever having to ask the intimate details of my life. I love walking through the aisles and reading each war veteran's hat of the old timers, thinking to myself "Oh you must have served with my grandpa", or "You may have served with my brother, he's gone now but he'd be proud to know you were kind to me today" or "My dh serves with you". As a woman walked through the aisles in her ACU's with all the rank of someone very high (i'm still learning my rank so bear with me), i knew she was very high up. And suddenly I grew incredibly uncomfortable, I didn't want to do something wrong and disgrace our family in her presence. Not because I cared of her opinion of me, but because as I looked at another woman I saw all the sacrafices she had made and with that her family as I saw her wedding band and her children trailing behind her. I averted my eyes and stayed out of her way so as to make her shopping trip a little bit easier. But 30 minutes later we were both stuck at the milk aisle and I scooted back and looked over at my oldest dd who moved silently and respectfully, and the soldier said to me "No, you go ahead Mama. You have your hands full." And i had to thank her quickly and move as fast as i could because it brought tears to my eyes. Here, is a woman serving our country where her children pay the greatest of sacrifices, and yet she is still serving our country by trying to make my shopping trip easier on me.

So for the time being, a part of my home, is the base commissary. I have no base housing, no FRG, no group of woman like that on the TV show of Army Wives who understand my day to day living. Few understand my life or my fears of the thought of randomly waking up to DH being called off to serve or of never feeling good enough in the military eye's as simply a National Guardsman's wife. But i have a grocery store, where each and every person has the experience or empathy to understand just what it is to be some sort of military wife. And i'm thankful.