The last few weeks I've been feeling a bit low. At first I was quick to blame it on the upcoming holidays. I've never enjoyed christmas or the new year, not once in my entire life that I can remember. It has always been the same thing, even as a child, me being filled with a sense of hope and expectation only to wake up on christmas and go through the tradition and then the next day be filled with these overwhelming feelings of not being able to breath. Not true depression, just emptiness and fear. Until this year, I never really understood why. But with a lot of discussions with my sisters and my therapist I learned that my mother who had already filed for divorce, left my biological father the day after Christmas while she was 6 months pregnant with me. There is a school of thought that is coming to light recently that studies the impacts on unborn babies of the traumas and experiences that the mother goes through while pregnant, and they believe that children while in utero are able to experience these events, especially the traumatic ones. And for me, I can definitely say . . . christmas sucks and has since before I was born.
So I was quick to blame it on that or the fact that this was my first Christmas in almost 11 years as being single. But really it was more than that. It was the fact that I had felt that I was a captive in my own world of creation. Even my friend/roomate commented on it, despite my initial pissed off reaction at his words of choice, that I was stuck and hiding. But he was right. I felt stuck and felt resentment. Resentment towards the ex, towards myself, towards the decision that I was always going to put my children first.
And then I woke up from my ridiculous month of self pity and realized, it's only the fact that I felt stagnant. I kept thinking that my life would get better with the divorce, that I had the chance to redo it all over again and that maybe my one true love and I would eventually meet and have one more baby and life would be happily ever after. That I could quickly get over this marriage and move on with my life, as I am not one who likes to sit around and dwell on things. Thank God I woke up and smelled the roses, because I don't know who the hell THAT girl was as I've never thought that way before in my entire life till the last month.
I did a lot of self searching over the past week, and have spent a lot of sleepless nights plagued by nightmares, dreams and surprisingly ... talks with God. And that's when it hit me, i've been spending the last month in this dreamworld, happy to play the victim and feel caged and trapped . . . actually I felt stagnant. A complete lack of development, advancement or progression and I was quick to blame it on the fact that I was forced to be here for my children at the hands of my ex and his selfish decisions and desires that I had no say in, in a time when i felt i should be growing and changing hugely. But in reality, I haven't been stagnant . . . I've just been hesitant to realize i once again need to learn how to surrender.
I don't know how many times i need to say it, but i'll say it again, I SUCK at surrendering. It's probably my greatest weakness and I don't know that i'll ever be good at it. But taking those moments and seeing the what ifs, the anxiety, the plans of my life and realizing i'm no where near where i want to be, that's when i should be taking a deep breath in and out and saying 'I surrender'. This doesn't mean i'm a voiceless passenger on this ride we call life. Instead it means that when things are moving along and you look around and feel caged, fearful, sad, lonely . . . you simply admit that you are powerless for a bit and that life is going to show you what exactly it has planned out for you. For me, that's the hardest lesson in life. But, I know I must learn it. One can not be the creator of their destiny 100% of the time, look at the children, victims, survivors of mother nature's worst catastrophe's, they did NOT wish or do things to make that their destiny. And so I find myself trying to learn the simple yet almost impossible lesson of knowing when one can be the creator and when one can sit and say, "I surrender all during this time" because we all should know that on the other side of it we will once again have a say.
This is not a life sentence for me. Being alone, yet while still cohabiting with my ex is not going to go on forever. And it is a decision we made, mostly me, for the well being of my children and I still stand by that. IT is best for them, and ultimately I am a mother that what is best for my children is best for me. Let's face it, I'm not in any state to be rushing off into the arms of another man after the last 10 tumultuous years of my relationship. And so surrendering is going to give me the time to learn, to grow, to heal and to become the woman I am MEANT to be. The one i have always struggled to be within the confines of my marriage but never was able to be.
Ultimately, this stagnancy . . .this depression . . .this holiday blues and powerlessness has been a blessing in disguise. It's yet another wake up call that I am exactly where I am meant to be and where i need to be to grow, to learn, to become exactly who I am meant to be. And I'm learning that I don't have to accomplish my dreams RIGHT now or they are worthless, i'm learning how to hold onto dreams and pick and choose from them and see what really is important and what is right in my world. Clearly I have learned without a doubt that motherhood is the most blessed and true dream my heart has ever held as it is the one thing I am willing to fight tooth and nail, and lay my life down at the ground for. This has taught me that no matter what, my love and devotion and desires to be a good mother are true and whole. And after that, midwifery is the next thing on my list of life dreams and that I am truly meant to do it, because I am realizing that despite the panic i feel from time to time to live that dream, it abides in my heart and soul . . . never going far from me for longer than a day or two, and is always at the beck and call of my heart.
I have great things in store for me, I just know it. Now I just need to learn patience and learn how to be ok with just being. I need to surrender once again to this crazy thing we call life.
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