I have not had much time for blogging. I think of great entries as I drift off to sleep most every night, but finding the time to get them on here has proven to be the tricky part. And so they fade away as I sleep and I waken up to a fresh new morning. My plate is full and I'm not complaining.
My three kids are thriving and healthy. The school aged children are getting high scores and perfect reports from their teachers, both of which have pulled me aside to tell me whatever I'm doing at home is working because most children going through divorce falter in school. I gratefully accepted the praise and then thanked God that my girls were still able to thrive, focus and love their education knowing He has been guiding me through this all. My youngest has been making great improvement with his occupational therapy. Thanks to the ex missing a few weeks of visitation, he has calmed down and been able to focus on his new occupational therapy activity of gymnastics. He too is thriving and each teacher and his OT have commented on how well he is responding and how well behaved and loving he is. I fall asleep every night listening to his breathing and watch the rise and flow of his chest thanking God for how blessed I am to be able to spend these days focusing on his health and not being forced to work which would cause undue stress on his little body and mind.
I have started back to college. I'm a full time student online for a college and have been blessed to be eligible for grants and loans and scholarships. I was very close to having paid off all debt from the marriage, but decided that an investment into my education was a financial risk worth taking. And so I finally enrolled and after 11 years, returned to school. It was a bit bumpy at first and I had many nights shedding tears wondering where I would find the time to fit in school, research papers and a crying 2 year old who won't sleep. The ex kept missing visitation which took away my kid free study time, but i've slowly come to a rhythm over the last 4 weeks of how to fit in studying, homework and school and do the single mom thing. It hasn't been easy and been pretty stressful. But every time I want to give up and throw my hands up in frustration, I remember how lucky I am to be going to college again. I sit at the table and do my homework and sneak glances of my 3 children sitting around the table doing their 'homework' with me and realize I'm lucky to be instilling an example into my children. I'm blessed to be able to pursue my career goals and to eventually be able to graduate with my degree of choice. And i'm grateful to have a chance to take back a bit of my life I let go of when I married my ex.
I look down at my growing belly, feeling the fluttering of an innocent and peaceful new little child who is so desperately wanted by her parents and I am thankful to have been given the chance to feel the miracle of pregnancy and birth one last time as a surrogate. I feel every movement, every emotion and every moment of this pregnancy and am thankful that I was able to do one more pregnancy without the toxicity or pain that marred my last pregnancy. And I look forward to being able to do good for others one last chance as a surrogate.
Therapy has been going well. I enjoy my visits and moments of clarity. The ability to look within yourself with a trusted mentor/health professional who will call you out on unhealthy choices or thinking is truly a gift to ones self. The progress I have made in my emotional well being and personal life are amazing. One year ago, there is no way that I ever would have recognized the person I am today. I am so thankful to have been given the time to work on me and my own issues that were manipulated and destroyed with in the confines of my marriage. Healing has been the greatest gift I have given myself, and one I have fought hard for. I feel immense gratitude as I look at myself in the mirror. I respect the woman looking back. I love her, i honor her and I finally see my most authentic self . . . the person I was fighting so hard to hide because she was never accepted or loved by a man who quite frankly was never worth that paramount of a sacrifice.
Time has eased the pain, for which I am forever thankful. More days are spent in smiles and laughter than any of the previous 11 years. My children have a healthy and happy mom who is showing them life is beautiful and free. Sure there are hard days, that's life. But the vast majority of our life is peaceful and calm and contented. We light up the christmas tree every night and smell the first fresh cut tree we've ever had and just smile. We create new family traditions for every holiday and catch each other giggling over how much fun it is. Life has been full of fun and happiness, something we were robbed of without ever having known it before. Magic has come back into our lives. The tooth fairy, the wind fairy, the snow fairy, Santa and all those magical creatures are doing little tasks behind the scenes and filling my children's eyes with a beautiful glow. God is blessing us and keeping us safe and filling our hearts in ways we've never known before.
I look back to a year ago and feel no anger or resentment or fear, for literally the first time in my entire life I am not ruled by any of those three emotions. I look back to that time, I was dying. My soul was lost, my mind was terrified and my heart was shattered. I knew something was up, but not exactly what or how to deal with it or fix it. And then one night I prayed to God for the first time in 5 years. Within a few weeks I had my answers and the gate to our freedom was opened for us. And here I sit, almost a year after that horrible night and I can look at the night in the face and not shrink back from it. I see it for what it was, it was the final engulfment of flames needed to allow the phoenix process to do it's thing. I fought it long and hard, but slowly and surely I started to learn acceptance. I look back and realize how painful and hard that was. But I honor it. And I am thankful for it. I am grateful to have been given the escape from the worst kind of marriage that was killing me mentally, emotionally and physically. I am grateful that I was given a new chance, a new life and the ability to heal and start over.
I look to God and am grateful to have my faith back. It has been a slow uphill battle and I have been tempted at every bend. But it is there, set as a foundation for the first time in my life. I have finally grasped a lesson that I was bound to repeat until I learned it. I have sought and looked for a faith that fit me, and I have found it. And slowly but surely over the last year, I have grasped my beliefs, accepted God's love for me and I have poured the foundation of this family in my faith. For the first time in my life, there is no tempest that can blow me over. I have learned to go from praying for my hearts desires, to asking for strength to handle whatever comes my way and to accept life as it comes. I have learned to trust in my higher power, instead of demanding myself to be in control of it all. Now i do as i can, take the steps needed, work my butt off and hand the rest off and wait for the outcome. It is a much more zen like life, one that I find myself incredibly contented with. And as I focus on all the gratitude and peace I feel, I find myself surrounded by more and more of it. The ex fades away further from our lives, and when I ignore his occasional outbreaks of trying to break my bubble of peace and thanksgiving, he crawls back away. I find more and more beauty and calm in life as I focus on the good and the feelings of being so very thankful. I am beyond grateful to have found my faith and set my feet firmly in it for the very first time in my adult life.
And so i look at this new year that is about to start for me and my children and am overwhelmed with gratitude. It is probably the most amazing emotion I've ever been allowed to acknowledge, know and hold. It brings tears of pure joy in many moments. I am able to see beauty again. I had lost sight of the beauty of this world, I was living in such a dark world. No more! Now I live with every color of the rainbow, at times it is so bright I have to look down for a second. And then I realize I don't want to miss a single moment of this 2nd chance I've been given. And so I take it all in. Moments that my heart feels as if it is so full it's going to break, but it never does. It just takes it all in and accepts it. Kind of what I imagine God's love is for us. And I am grateful for the first time in my life to start to understand what God's love is. I never believed in it before, was always a fearful child of God. Now i'm starting to see it. Now i'm on my knees with gratitude to this amazing creator who has given me and my babies life all over again.
Gratitude - the most amazing part of the process for me and I am thankful beyond belief for it all. The good, the bad, the ugly, the entire process. It truly has been for the good of me and my children and I pray to never forget this and to be able to live the rest of my days in contented gratitude.
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