Today was a day I quite honestly didn't want to confront nor did I want get out of my warm, cozy bed for that matter. But, motherhood doesn't sit around waiting for us. So the day was full of homework, appointments, emails, kid drop offs and pick ups and more appointments. Today was also a year since I found out the truth of who I was really married to and the final kick in the pants to know it was over and I was married to a stranger. A year later it still hurts to think about the emails describing elicit sexual encounters with unprotected and unscreened partners both male and female. But today, it was less about me and more about it being his issues. A year ago I went into full on shock, today it was acceptance.
Today I also received the mediators recommendations for our current case. At first I wasn't happy, but reading it over calmed me. It was good news and I'm happy that this mediator not only took concerns seriously but she also quoted the ex on numerous things that he has and continues to deny. I had gone into mediation praying that God just show the courts what I was dealing with in regards to lies, bullying, abuse and backtracking and today those prayers were absolutely answered. I was washed over with an immense feeling of grace and gratitude and hope that this will set the record straight and it's of his own account. This makes it even easier for me to feel reassured that I'm doing the right thing for the children by advocating for their rights and safety and not 'fighting' for my desires.
I also had a transitional meeting for my son's occupational therapy and early intervention services. My son is dx'ed with sensory processing disorder, general anxiety disorder and unspecified insomnia. He has been receiving services through the county for the last year (all of which my ex has refused to be involved with and hasn't inquired about, until this week while in the midst of our court case ironically) and we've had in home occupational therapy as well as a few other services I have taken full advantage of. Today we went over the next step since my son turns 3 this summer and it then goes to the school district. Awaiting a final and formal evaluation most likely my son will be ineligible for any and all services. This may sound awful to some, but for me this is amazing. Another answered prayer. A year ago I did not think my son would be manageable, let alone looking at independent preschool programs. It was so wonderful to hear our OT time and again exclaim how my son's huge improvement was all because of my hard work. I let her know it was because of the early services and how THEY had helped me with tools I didn't have. It has been an amazing team effort and one I've been so thankful for. My ex refused to ever admit there was anything up with our son and refused him any treatment, and now I believe it's because a lot of those issues (anxiety, insomnia) were all directly related to the various forms of abuse that I was dealing with at the hands of my ex that my baby was witnessing. I think between the change of climate in my home, the lack of abuse and the help of therapists and professionals my son has been able to become a normal, typical, healthy and highly functioning 2 year old. It also helps me to know that I am doing well as a single mom and helps the years of "You're a horrible mother" become truly meaningless to me. Again, I am so very blessed and thankful.
Tonight also helped me fit one more piece of the puzzle of what I need to be doing to continue working on me. My son broke the TV this week. It's the 4th electronic item in the home he's broken. He's still a sensory kid, always will be. And so most of the time when he gets home from his dad's we deal with meltdowns, tantrums and sensory seeking or defensiveness. This time it was a sippy cup and the tv lost. I had to replace the tv and searched for the best deal around. Long story short, I spent a few hundred dollars on a tv and my dad got upset at me because I still owe him some money for a loan that my ex-husband took out from him and refused to pay.
It's a long story all the details leading up to how I got stuck with being the one to pay off something my ex owed to my father, but really the end word is simple: guilt. And as I was listening to the things my dad was saying to me on the phone I had such a big ah ha moment that I started crying for the first time today and fell flat on my emotional butt. Why had I spent all these years married to a narcissistic man who probably has BPD? Why was his behavior acceptable and ok? Why did I put up with it for so many years? Why did I never feel 'good enough'? Why did the abuse never register as unhealthy to me? Because I'd been raised by the same type of man.
Again, falling on my emotional butt and feeling as if the wind has been knocked out of me. That's pretty much how I felt tonight after the phone call. Having a simple phone call about money and pointing out that I was taking on a debt I was not morally obligated to do but did so out of love only to be told that I twist everything around and play the victim had me feeling as if I were in the twilight zone. "Wait a minute J, you've worked your rear off NOT to have these types of emotionally abusive conversations. You left your abuser. You no longer engage in emotional manipulation. . . . holy crap you married a man who is just like your father". Commence a whirlwind of thoughts, memories, feelings, emotions and a lifetime of feeling as if I were never good enough for my dad and feeling every barb, nasty word, religious manipulation and fear I grew up with. Hearing my dad say one sentence that was almost verbatim what my ex would say to me to gaslight and throw me off kilter froze my entire world in front of me for a few seconds tonight.
And so the night went from outright crying that couldn't be hidden to quiet self reflection and pouring through memories. I was adopted at birth by my step-dad. Bio father didn't want to be saddled with child support and so, mom's new husband raised me as his. Well, tried. I've always been the 'black sheep', the sore thumb, the odd woman out . . . you get my drift. And for years he would say things that would make me feel as if it were all in my head and yet every single friend who grew up with me and knew my family intimately saw it. I made excuses, then I just stopped bringing my friends around. Then I finally escaped into the arms of 'the man of my dreams' (yes insert laugh).
I went from one narcissist to another. And I never really realized it until tonight. Bam, hello brick wall you sure do hurt when you come out of nowhere. But I know this is an integral piece of the puzzle. One that I am putting in my pocket and going to roll around in my hand, take out every once in awhile and look at, then put it back in my pocket until I figure out where it fits in the puzzle. And so tonight I'm left with a lot of self realizations as well as some fears and some hope. This next step of the process for me is about really growing up. Time to be my own woman, no more leaning on my family or thinking my dad is someone he never really was. I also need to learn how to allow an N in my life, without being negatively affected by him, if that's even possible. Lots of questions for my therapist.
I'm going to be starting to looking into new churches, new places to live and really a life for me and my kids. I've been stuck here in orbit out of guilt and feeling as if I am responsible to stay living here near my parents. But that's all gone now. Now it's time to take the next steps. Learn how to handle these types of people in my life, learn how NOT to invite anymore and to accept that this was the type of love I grew up with from the male role model in my home (most likely why I sought it out as an adult). I'm so glad I've put off dating, because really this just shows to me that I would probably end right back where I started because i'd never been willing to see this until now. Funny how as the puzzle comes together every thing seems to start to make sense . . .
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