Let go, be fearless

I started writing the day before I was suppose to go back to our final day of trial. I titled it from my mantra for the day, "Let go, be fearless". And then the worst of the worst happened and despite two years of proof and hard evidence a judge ruled in the favor of a father who had missed 95% of his visitation for two years, was $12k behind in child support and alimony and was in contempt of every line of the court order except for one item. I was told that it was the courts job to make sure these children knew their father and I was denied the ability to legally and physically protect my children from a man who had physically hurt me and my children, put us at risk for HIV and had flown off the handle and threatened suicide and manipulated dozens of people to hide his pervasive and disgusting secret lifestyle despite showing the world how mentally unstable he is.

I was broken and he had accomplished what he set out to do - to hurt me through our children. He gained more visitation (which I highly doubt he'll use once he grows tired of it), legal custody was reinstated (after 2 years of it being taken away from him by a previous judge) to joint and his child support and alimony were lowered (despite him getting a job that would have him now making over $8200 a month). I came home and was devastated, there was no way to be fearless anymore. I think I cried more than I have ever cried in my life. I had  believed that the truth would once again set us free and I was so very tired. Over two years of back and forth and in and out of the court system and dealing with all this and demanding myself to be fearless, had hit a breaking point. I had believed that good wins over evil. And I had believed that I could help protect our children. I was wrong and what I had watched happen with hundreds of other cases around the country where abusers were gaining more and more rights to children, unfolded before my very eyes.

The system is broken. We are not protecting the rights of the children. A judge had the power to deny a mediator and child therapist (who has worked closely with the children for over a year) because he felt that the father was a "nice and good father" simply from a combined 8 hours of time spent in his court room. The evidence he all deemed as 'alleged' because my ex and his attorney unfurled the 'disabled veteran' and 'emergency communications soldier' bit. Let me be very clear Judge P, he is no soldier. No, he is a man who services the physical needs of men and women in his unit to climb up the ladder and gain promotions and raises. He has never deployed, he has never been in the sandbox nor has he ever seen hand to hand combat above the moments he chose to beat up his 5'4" wife and she decided finally to have the balls to fight back even if she knew she'd lose regardless. He was hurt at BCT. He was showing off and he busted his ACL and MCL at basic training while playing basketball. And then he came home and had his wife, who had given birth not even 7 weeks previously, take care of him during his surgery to repair it. And yet, this simple manipulation of terms enabled him to manipulate yet more people that he is in fact the victim in this situation and missed due to being an army soldier.

The anger and frustration I felt that first day were overwhelming. I have dealt with a lot of anger and frustration over the last twelve years. Watching someone get away with murder  and abuse with zero recourse is draining. And yet, the courts gave him the power to continue to do so. The Judge said numerous times that if neither of us were happy we could come back and petition at any time for a change. He gave my ex the power and permission to drag me back to court, fight, belittle and smear my name and character at any time he chooses. Thanks Judge, you just became an enabler for what is called verbal and emotional abuse and have set me up for a lifetime sentence. You also just gave him a platform to continue lying and committing perjury because no one would believe the 'mere army wife' over the 'disabled veteran'.

And so a week later I find myself trying to let go and be fearless. But it's hard. Damn hard. When you conceive and carry three innocent little beings, all you care (or should at least) about is their happiness, health and well being. When you see them hurt  and you can't fix it, you feel failure and a pain so deep you can't express it or begin to equate what it does to you in mere words. Being powerless to ensure safety, happiness and health with your children is failure at the deepest and most painful level. And yet, you're patted on the head and told to suck it up and learn to get along better with your abuser. You're told to quit being so controlling and that he has rights too. And so before that anger gets the best of you and drains your heart and blackens your soul like it did before, you turn your head and lift your eyes to the good in life. It may seem impossible to find and fleeting. But it's there.

It's in the newborns your friends are having or the weddings of your loved ones as they start fresh on a life journey. It's in your child's laughter as he says "pretty spakly (sparkly) nails mommy" and his eyes shine bright. It's in the eyes of someone looking at you as if you are whole and strong and equal and they could fall head over heels for you, if you'd just let them in. It's at the end of the day when all three of your babies climb into your bed and ask to stay up 10 minutes extra just to snuggle and read a bedtime story and you know it's not because they are stalling bedtime, it's because here is the one place in their entire chaotic world they feel safe and protected and you are their everything.

And then you find your power again. You gather these moments up and you put them in a basket, they sit at your feet for a few days while you gather more and more. That anger is there, trying so hard to drag you down and yet every time you glance down at that basket, you realize how much better of a life it is with that basket. And instead of kicking it to the side and spoiling all the good in your life, you pick it up and carry it with you. You slowly let go and see the good swimming around inside your head and floating around inside your heart. You no longer have to grasp it so hard for fear of losing or dropping it because it's all there, encompassing your life. And every single moment you have, is a beautiful one if you choose to let it be. And then you realize the only time anger is good in your life, is when your life is in danger. I'm no longer in danger, I don't need to be angry. I don't need to be resentful. I need to be happy, whole, healthy and the best possible mom my kids need me to be. And then you step off the ledge all over again, for what feels as if it is the millionth time you've tried to learn this lesson. And then you realize, you WERE fearless all along.

You fought, you advocated, you chose to continue to do the right thing knowing your chances were crap from the get go. You knew you weren't going to get anything out of this because you'd seen the cases, the law and what really happens behind the closed doors. And then you were defeated and devastated because your inner compass and ethics would never allow you to get away with what had happened before your very eyes. But you stood firm just like the warriors of time past who fought for equal rights and safety and a better world. That's pretty darn fearless. And it's the type of parent I intend on showing my children until I take my last breath.

This heart and soul of mine may not be perfect or always capable of conquering my fears by running over a bridge, but it is sure and strong and fearless in it's own way. Sure, it's covered in dust from time to time. And I fully acknowledge that the heart that is so full of these moments is worn, tired, bandaged and has slowly been pieced together from a horrendous past. But it's not broken, it's seasoned. And it still has the capacity to feel the most amazing levels of love and emotions that it overpowers me. Maybe the old heart was really what was broken and this is how I'm meant to be. Maybe to be fearless doesn't mean to be free from being scared. Maybe it simply means you pursue right over wrong no matter what the outcome is, and then you learn how to live with it to the best of your ability knowing you did everything within your power. Being fearless doesn't mean you failed if you don't get the outcome you wanted it simply means you continue to live in the moment and be authentic and true.

And so, I step off that ledge knowing I'm not falling. I'm just relearning how to fly all over again in a new setting. I will learn to navigate life with the kids gone 20% of the time and I'll learn how to heal their hearts and souls when they come home devastated from the abuse and neglect they face at the hands of their father. Instead of focusing on the anger, I'll teach my children to always, always, always focus on the good because we are surrounded by it in every setting if we simply choose to find it. And I'll teach them to let go and truly be fearless.