"I have a dream"

Martin Luther King, Jr. was an amazing man who had a dream. His awe inspiring speech, "I have a dream" comes to mind tonight. Not because I have a dream that will change the world or that is completely unselfish. No, instead I suddenly realize what it is to have a dream and want it so bad you want to live for it completely. To know without a doubt what your purpose on earth is and what you are suppose to do with your life.

Tonight I am hitting that wall of reality and dreams and purpose. I am 4 semesters away from finishing my degree in psychology. It excites me, it intrigues me, it's something I'm good at. But, it falls drastically short of my true dreams and passion. Midwifery is my one true love. And as I work on yet another meaningless term paper, I can't help but think about amniotic fluid, estimated due dates and dilation and how much more I want to be writing about that over the psychosis of our brains. I find myself losing my attention and focus, I know where I'm suppose to be. I know what I'm suppose to be doing. And then my son shifts in his sleep, next to me in our bed, while I work on homework and I'm jolted back to reality.

The plan was always there, after I had my first homebirth and found my calling. We had agreed. We'd talked it over, and over and then again some more. I would wait until our babies were done nursing and then I'd pursue my degree in midwifery and then find an apprenticeship and eventually graduate and pass the test as a certified practice midwife and open my own home birth practice. This was where I was meant to be, this was my calling, my passion my LOVE. And yet, every year my ex pushed it off and I let him. And I would be lying if I didn't admit to the small taste of resentment that comes into the back of my throat when I think about how many times I put off pursuing midwifery for him because he promised me one day we'd be in a place where I could and he would fully support it.

And now as a single mom, I see that dream that passion . . . slipping further and further away. I have a good job. It has potential and a career and health benefits. I can work in a career I'm passionate about, I'm blessed to have found a paying job in the surrogacy field. And 95% of the time, I love what I'm doing and adore my job. It is something that is still helping, still paying it forward and I still feel a good amount of joy to be involved in. But . . . it's not midwifery. I don't need to be on call, I don't need to be an apprentice where i'm gone from the kids 24/7, I don't have to put our lives on hold and I don't get to be surrounded by the one thing in my entire life that made me feel 100% my own and complete.

And so tonight, I mourn that. I miss midwifery. I  miss all that it entails. I miss the passion that flows through my heart and the joy that fills my brain and the knowing that it is my dream. I miss feeling whole and know that I never will be complete for as long as I am away from my true passion. I pray that one day, when my kids are grown and no longer rely on me I will still be able to help and serve and be a midwife.

One day . . . it seems so very far away.