Surrender

I have given birth five times, once in a hospital and four times at home. Each time birth teaches me something new about myself, but each time I also am retaught how important surrender is and how we naturally want to fight it.

As my time looms closer and closer to my due date, I have been dealing with prodromal labor once again. It isn't anything new to me, I've dealt with it with all six pregnancies. This time I had hoped though that it would be a sign that maybe this little guy would grace us with his presence a bit earlier than the others. I have always gone over (except with my first surrogacy, which was 3 days early on my birthday) and so had just assumed I'd go over again. The last two were both ten days past my edd (estimated due date) and I was pretty zen just waiting them out as I knew they knew best and it would result in great births, and they did.

This time my patience is thin, my anxiety is a bit higher and I'm ready to meet this little guy and be done. BK does great at making me laugh with silly comments or reminding me our son is doing what he is suppose to, continuing to bake so he can be strong and healthy. We have continued to be a good team, juggling the little fears from the past that creep in and the physical discomfort of pubis symphasis pain that has me almost completely down and out if I over do it. The off and on again of fake labor has added a tension to me I don't care to carrying around, and yet he tells me compared to what he's experienced in the past I am extremely calm and laid back while pregnant. Funny, since I don't feel it this week!

And then today I realized, I'm holding a LOT in, including our son. I know how much our life is going to change with his arrival. We will become a family of ten, eight children and two adults. Granted the oldest two are in college, so they come and go as they please. We handle it well and it all comes naturally as we work as a team, but I have never dealt well with change and this is a big change. We actually just bought an expedition EL to accommodate the growth in our family! I'm also fighting this feeling deep within me that our son is safe, he is with me and he is ok right now. With BK's loss of his other son, we both have those thoughts at the back of our minds. We've discussed it openly and have faced the fears we each hold in regards to knowing what he's been through. The reality is nothing we do or say or practice will guarantee anything. The weight on BK's shoulders to do what he can to ensure it, is huge and he bears it silently at times. When it gets too deep and heavy, we check in and go over it; reminding each other that God is the one with the wheel and we are simply passengers.

I also realize this is the end to my pregnancy days. There will be no more babies or pregnancies or surrogacies as I'm ready to move on from this stage in my life. The pregnancy has not been the most enjoyable and so it makes it easier to say goodbye to these years, but it is there - the realization that I'm moving on and closing this chapter of my life. With it goes the chapter of midwifery and all that it has meant to me over the last decade. All that it has taught me, grown me, saved me, and helped me. Midwifery has been more than some crunchy way to birth - it has been the catalyst of growth within myself over the past 10 years since I first walked into my midwife's doors while pregnant with my 2nd dd.

During the worst years of my life, midwifery was my constant. The community, the midwives, the teachings, the belief that birth does matter, the belief in oneself and their own bodies, the belief in your children and all that they can teach you. The belief that there is more to this life than numbing yourself from the pain and just doing what is expected. Midwifery taught me what being a woman really is and what graceful living looks like. Granted it has taken me many years to exhibit any amount of grace and to accept life as it comes. But the surrender I practice day to day to my God, my family, the love of my life and to this beautiful world - all came from the walk I began years ago to find a better way to deliver my children into this universe.

And had it not been for midwifery, I don't think I ever would have survived my divorce or the awful years surrounding it. I don't think I ever would have been able to surrender to the reality and learn to ask for better, search out what I truly deserved. I never would have ended up with BK or this child, or this blessing we get to share together no matter what happens. And a part of me is in mourning because I am giving that all up and have turned my sight on other professional desires, which for the moment include taking a hiatus and just being a mom and wife. And so I realize with each prenatal appointment, with each visit with my dear friend who I happen to call my midwife - these days are drawing near where it will be no more. With the birth comes goodbyes, ones I don't know how ready I am for.

And so I hold this all in and realize, i'm not just holding the emotions in; I'm holding my son in from the world as well. He's ready, has been for at least a week even though I'm not overdue yet. I can feel it in the strength of his kicks, the communication he has with his father's voice already, and the way he has settled into my pelvis. It is me who is not quite yet ready, regardless of how physically miserable I am as the days drag on. It is the emotional readiness that hasn't quite come to me, it is the last days of a pregnancy where we emotionally and mentally must tackle the demons we have left and either continue fighting them or surrender. I do the same with birth, I accept them until transition hits - the hardest stage of it all. Then I want to fight it and have to will myself to surrender or just make one moment at a time until it takes over my mental and emotional ability to fight it. And once I find that sweet moment of surrender, something clicks inside my head and heart and I breath a sigh of relief each and every time knowing i'm about to start pushing and this child will be coming earthside immediately.

I'm wavering on the brink of that - caught between the two worlds of pregnancy and motherhood. Knowing what is holding me back is a gift this time, and I think I really do get to choose when i'm ready to let go and surrender. This time I have nothing to fear. I have a man I love who loves me, a family that I cherish and love each individual who is part of it, I look forward to growing our family and watching the siblings create a new bond, and I know that come what may we are safe, loved, and happy. I simply just have to choose to let go, let God, and accept what will be and be ready for the goodbyes that come with it. Surrender at it's sweetest.