I spent over a decade pregnant or breastfeeding/pumping, which is almost all of my adult life. The irony in this does not escape me. I was that teen who dreamed of living in San Francisco, having a busy and full throttle corporate career, and didn't want any children at all. But life, me and reality changed obviously and I'm not a single bit sad over it. I have enjoyed every moment of being a mom and surrogate. I was meant to be both and so much of my life has been identified by the capabilities of my uterus and female reproduction.
After surgery, I had a hard time grasping what life without those abilities meant for me. A large part of my life has been defined by pregnancy, home birth, babies and all that those encompass. Surrogacy was a bonus that allowed me to continue to be an active participant in those areas, but one I knew I was happy to pass the torch to the younger generation following behind me. So, I have been quietly mulling over what this side of life holds for me. At a doctor appointment the other day, the doctor commented with surprise, "What caused you to need a hysterectomy at such a young age?" Mind you, said doctor was my age if not shy of it by a few years. I explained and she answered how glad she was I willingly and swiftly went forward with making such a big decision. On the drive home, while holding my husband's hand, I watched him driving and started my list of things this surgery has taught me.
1. My husband loves me purely, completely, without doubt in ways I have never, ever been loved before. His love is unadulterated by life, what he has been through, and what I have been through. This surgery demanded me to take a back seat and let my body do the healing. He packed us up, cared for me and all six of the kids that live with us, moved us, and supported me emotionally. He took off seven weeks and didn't complain once. He had to help me with physical things that were embarrassing and knocked me down to the level of vulnerability I've never been before. I'm so utterly grateful for his love that created in him the perfect partner for this part of our journey. I could not have done it alone and his love carried over to me in ways I've never, ever allowed anyone else to love me.
2. I am more in touch with my emotions than I've ever been before. Having wicked cycles has always ruled my emotions, hard not to when you're physically exhausted or in pain. Without those around I have been able to take note of my emotions and when I feel the need to cry I allow myself. Happy tears, sad tears, angry tears. Tears are tears and they are so very cleansing for the soul. I am sure that number 1 has also allowed me to be more open and real in my emotions, something I've always kept in a nicely constructed box. I also hold on less to emotions that are a disservice to me. Anger, pain, sadness - I acknowledge the why and the what, and send them on their way.
3. My walls have come tumbling down. Years ago my therapist pointed out how well constructed my walls were and the only time I will ever reach full potential is when I painstakingly take it down, one brick at a time. This surgery forced me to. I had to face everything behind that wall I'd been trying so hard to protect. Ends up, when you trust and love someone they not only protect those emotions they also help you to build upon them and learn from them.
4. While I'm still mourning never giving birth again, I do not for a second miss the ability to ever be pregnant again. This reality made me realize it isn't the act of birth I miss, it's the connection I have to my Creator that I feel the deepest when I'm in the midst of labor. I had been keeping my relationship with God stagnant, this realization has brought to the forefront our desires for a family rooted in God and within a church family. My husband is wanting to study and be baptized and we know our personal beliefs lead us to wanting our children to have spiritual roots within their spiritual beliefs.
5. I am a warrior. My biggest fear of this surgery was the pain. I have been told for ages that I have a high pain tolerance and I've always just assumed it was lip service being given. Just because I've had five unmedicated births doesn't mean I don't feel pain, I would always say in response. Back labor has always haunted me, it is that inescapable pain that just sends you over the edge. If someone wanted to create a tool to use on spies, back labor would be a surefire way to get someone to spill their guts. But somehow, someway I have managed to push through that pain in labor and make it to the other end. So, when I heard women advising other women to stay on top of the pain meds after their c-sections, I've always paid notice. I have heard them say once you get past the point of no return, you're in for it. So I made sure when I went in for surgery, to get the spinal (despite previous bad outcomes with an epidural) because I wanted to be ahead of the pain and the anesthesiologist agreed. Well, when you can't have pain meds because you're allergic to ALL of them you learn that pain really can't kill you. I never have given enough credit to my body, and while it doesn't make it better than others and it's certainly not a competition (which some will interpret this as), I have to give my body credit for what it can handle. I not only was off pain meds within 20 hours of surgery, I managed to get through the same labor-like back pain on top of the other pain. So aside from realizing I'm a warrior, the real gem I gained from this was my body deserves me to be kind to it. I only have this one to get me to the finish line, time to get it to it's deserved operating level. :)
6. I will not ever, never, ever go through elective surgery. I have always joked about a lift after breastfeeding for almost seven years. I wouldn't mind a reduction and lift (and to never have to wear a bra ever again), but now I could care less. I joked almost immediately upon discharge from surgery that my husband was out of luck and he was going to have to live by his words of, "I love you exactly the way you are". I also joked that this surgery saved us ten grand and now I get a lifetime of vacations on my birthday for the rest of our lives.
7. Life goes on. I feel as if everyone sees this sign over my head or should know what I just went through. Remember, I'm a surgery-phobe, so while this is no big deal to most it feels like the biggest event ever. It's not. IT is life altering, but it isn't going to stop life. Just like everything else in life this is simply a part of my story and life, and I'm thankful I was able to have it and take care of myself. A month and a half later, and I barely notice I even had surgery. Your brain pushes away the memories of pain, your body heals and looks eerily back to normal, and you feel as if not much had ever happened. I'm grateful for the simplicity of this concept, especially to be healing so well and to not have any complications or lingering side effects.
8. Our family may or may not be complete and we are okay with not knowing for sure. We also are okay with alternative methods of parenting, and my husband has broached the topic of adoption. Maybe because he knew I wasn't 100% done at the time of surgery, maybe because we have it in our hearts to put more good out into this Karma jar we call the universe. Maybe because our youngest needs a younger sibling. Or maybe not. Maybe our family is perfect the way it is. Either way, for the first time in my life I'm okay with not knowing and just seeing how it all goes. This has been the biggest gift of this surgery, being okay with the unknown of how our future is going to unfold.
9. Being a woman is one of the greatest gifts in my life. I could have been born a boy or I could have identified as one. Instead, this tom-boy who refused to wear a dress until my teen years and hated anything pink and girly is ever so grateful for all that the femaleness of my body has brought into my life. My babies, my surrogacy experiences, my daughters and sons and the relationships I have with each of them, home birth and natural childbirth experiences, losses, my husband, surgery, and all the pieces of life that I've gained and put into my book of life. I joke that I'd love to have the man's role in life - but I wouldn't give up any of this for that. Childbirth, labor, mothering newborns, breastfeeding, surrogacy, mothering young children and teen girls and boys, all of it has enriched my life in ways I find my heart so eternally full that I couldn't ask for it any other way.
So this is the other side of surgery. The side of life where you hear women complaining about how different life is or they just don't talk about it at all. Not me, I'm excited and grateful and sharing. There is so much hope afterwards and so much left of life that I can't help but be grateful to physically be able to tackle it all!
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