On Monday, my firstborn will begin Kindergarten. She is not the first child to attend kindergarten, nor will she be the last. But in our world, it feels as if the whole world is going to come crashing to a halt. Of course to add to the wound is the IVF drugs that I have been on which add to my weepiness, sadness, happiness, and fears!
I have been off work for two weeks now, and am very anxious though excited to be home with the girls again. They have been at preschool for the last 2 weeks because i didnt want to pull them out and confuse them. I've been stir crazy, pattering around willing myself to be pregnant. We will see if i accomplished anything.
Last weekend was a lovely vacation getaway with my best friend to Beverly Hills/ Manhattan Beach. I was surprised that the water my dad surfed in as a youth, really was much warmer then our arctic Pacific beaches of northern California. I asked my girlfriend if she noticed any differences and she said, "No". I filled her in that all the surfers and children frolocking in the surf were wearing bathing suits! "No wetsuits", she gasped! Sadly, i don't have any pictures to share yet, but ill harass her next week when she get's home from camping.
Rodeo Drive was interesting. It was the one thing my bestie wanted to see, so I drove through the horrid traffic (10 miles took 55 mins) in the awesome free upgraded mustang and felt young and carefree. We found parking, amazed that there was actual metering to just park and walked out feeling like kids in a candy store! We were surrounded in wealth.
Now don't get me wrong. We are moving to a very affluent community, the same one that my parents live in. Both myself and my bestie were graced with growing up with parents who did more then just provide for their familes. So we are not flabbergasted by BMW's and Benz'es. BUT I lots count at 15 when i started counting up my dream car (Range Rover) and juts laughed at the bright yellow with white leather Bentley parked in front of the Boss store with it's top down and doors unlocked. The personalized license plate made us both wonder, and Bestie took pics. We sauntered down and i realized how ORANGE southern californians are. Really people, the goal is NOT to look like the sun, but to pull off the effect of being KISSED by the sun. Learn to stop, the sales people only want your money. They could care less that the citizens of BH look like oompla loompas! I felt very pale for the first time in my life, funny since i have a dark olive complexion (naturally thank the lord).
We wandered into Coach, our favorite addiction and biggest money stealer. We seriously pondered a 'souvenior' gift for ourselves, but made it out without spending a dime. Much to the chagrin of the salespeople who each stopped us upon noting we were regulars by glancing at our purse apparal lol. Then we hopped over to Tiffany's and left severely disappointed that they did not have the diamond rings, mostly just gifts. Probably a good thing since we have been waiting on Bestie's s/o to propose already!
We wrapped up the night by driving through town over to Manhatten Beach. I tell you, if i were a celeb i would stay away from the areas they live in. Manhatten Beach is where i would make my home. We drove through neighborhoods with the most beautiful architecture. Every house compeltely different then it's next door neighbor, the craftsman and beach homes just blew me away. I fell in love with the beautfy of the homes and the character of the gardens. We decided to park (annoyed by more meters, LA really does show that change DOES have its uses!) and walked over to Pomodoro and had the most scrumptious of dinners. Some sort of shrimp in a spaghetti cream sauce with asparagus. The bruschetta we had, was to die for and just thinking about it makes my mouth water. We were surrounded by familes eatting their dinner and the waiter was surprised to find out we were from Sac'to when we asked how close the beach was. "2 blocks straight down, laides. Its an easy walk and there's a boardwalk with a shop that closes at about 8 pm". So we finished up, drank our water after realizing how dehydrated we felt from flying and walked down to the beach.
This is where my heaven meets earth. Ironically enough im a taurus and earth by signs. But my soul is made of water I do believe. As we walked, surprised by how humid it is down there (we have no humidity in northern cali) i could smell the sweet smell of the salt and the water. My pace slowed down, my brain stopped thinking and the water came into view. All i could do was smile and breathe it all in. My peace is the beach. The lap, lap, lap of the water as it emerges onto the shore. The crashing of the breaks further out as the ocean makes it way past the bouys. I barely remember all the colorful, happy people that we walked past. My goal in life at that moment in time was to enjoy the grain of the sand in my toes and dip my feet in the ocean. The warmth really did surprise me. I could have stood there all day and brought the peace of the ocean into my soul. Sadly, the sun was going to set and being in a new town i didnt want to drive in the dark. So i took my 10 mins and bottled it up, stored it on the shelf of my heart and was grateful that i had this one moment to pull back out at any moment when i grew tired of the inland area we live in. A big gift for a girl who had lived 20 years with the ocean only 15 mins from her doorstep, but had lived for the last 4 inland far far far away from her beach and oceans!
As i turned around to trudge back up the beach i was amazed once again by the beautiful architecture. Huge 3 story victorians placed here and there between colonials and craftmans. One modern house here, another way down there. All sitting along the boardwalk, watching the people and the ocean. I was amazed at not only how big they were, but how perfect they were. I could only dream of the perfection of waking each morning to the ocean and falling asleep to the sun setting over the waters. This life that these people had grown on this beach town, definately appealed to me. Bestie and i both agreed, had we both been not attached to anyone we would come down here and open a business together and be content!
But as always, one must return to the real world. Our flight home did that rather well since we didnt arrive home until midnight! And it brought me to my thoughts of no longer being a working mom. It has been a hard transition. I am a great working mom. I am a great career woman. I somehow do well at multitasking and thrive being busy and doing what im good at. Sadly, this doesnt mesh when your oldest starts kindergarten and after school care puts her in a room full of kids as old as 5th grade! So, my job was the sacrafice. I am not resentful, but mourning the loss of that person. Sad that the successful person who had the ability and did breadwin for herself for a year is gone. My last paycheck was very painful. Ironic since Ben makes great money. But still hard none the less. This was my life for the past 2 years. We had it working and a type of movement to where we found joy even when my boss was a jerk.
I am quite sure that i will go crazy having both girls home. Realizing through preschool that they are 2 seperate individuals did a lot to them. The fighting is currently my set off that drives me batty and wishes they would JUST STOP ALREADY! But kids will be kids and all you can do is teach them to fight fair, use their words and always love each other even if you dont like how they act. Hopefully ill make new friends who have children and ill become more involved in the dreadful playdates. Sighhh, its for the girls, its for the girls. This shall be my mantra!
And i might add. Do not ever under any circumstances tell a mother who has quit her job that it is "best for her children and you will enjoy being home with them so much". I am quite aware of what is best for my children and what i do and do not enjoy thank you very much! I have done this before, too. This isnt my first time in the ring of sahm parenting, i did it for 3 years before i returned to work. I know very well that this is best for my girls, but i also know full well that it isn't what im cut out to do. So save the comments and feel free to express how great you think it is, but dont ever again degrade me and my pride in being a working mom by making it better to be a sahm. Both have their plus and minuses, im full aware. This is directed at no one other then the THREE people who have heard it since the decision has been made. Ironically enough, each were strangers. One was someone who interviewed for my position, yep i turned her down solely on that dumbass comment. The other was the real estate agent trying to show us a home, and the last was the lady at the bank who was surprised i had a hard check. Geesh people. The grass is not always greener.
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