In the wee hours

I thought for sure that upon DH's return, my insomnia would quickly fade away. That the seven months of sleepless nights and limited sleep would catch up and I'd happily sleep through the nights. Well, I was wrong. Insomnia seems to have become a way of life, one that I am not too fond of. I am one of those people who needs at least 9 hours of consecutive sleep. I was accused of being lazy as a child, negligent as a teenager and then sleep deprived as a mother. During the nursing years, I was never a very pleasant person as I was consistently woken up every 2 hours for 3 years straight by my babies demands of waking me up every 2 hours at a bare minimum to refill their little tummies. I always thought that if i worked out a certain way or ate a certain diet that I would grow more like my friends and be able to survive on less then 9 hours of sleep. Then once my children began sleeping through the night, I realized how much happier and healthier I felt as I realized I was getting that coveted 9 hours.

Then DH left and it all went out the window. So i lived on caffeine and B complex to give me a boost and keep me awake, and the promise that in 7 months i'd return to the land of the living by no longer having to fight insomnia. Many say it's just getting back to normal, but in the wee hours of the night/morning I've had a lot of time to think.

Two years ago, I never thought i'd be where I stand today. In many ways. Emotionally, mentally, physically, financially. Never thought i'd be married to a soldier, pregnant with our 3rd child. Never thought we'd have survived the worst financial year of our entire almost 9 years together. Nor did I ever think I'd turn my back on surrogacy.

I know I have many friends who read this that are in the surrogacy world. So first and foremost I must disclaim my following by saying this. I do not hold my opinions in regards to how I think others should view surrogacy or live their lives. And I am not against the surrogacy community or those who chose to do so for themselves. But i have opinions on surrogacy in regards to my life and seem to cycle them around my brain a lot when trying to fight the insomnia demon.

I will never undertake a surrogacy journey for myself. I have gone from being supportive, to believing there is too little regulation and too much abuse happening in the world of surrogacy on both sides. I have seen and experienced too many loopholes in the system to see that this is a world ripe for picking by those who intend on manipulation. It saddens me because, yes I know that in anything in the world this can happen. But I feel as if the community as a whole chooses to turn a blind eye and continue to cash their compensation checks without being willing to stand up and make change for the better of this community.

I also would be classified as a monster amongst the surrogacy community. There is not a day that goes by that I do not feel guilt or sadness about my involvement with surrogacy. Granted, I was lied to and manipulated. I have heard time and time again how no matter what it is never the surrogates right to decide where the children we carry end up. I for one, do not agree with that. My friends would be horror stricken if I saw a child be abused or put into harms way on the streets and did nothing about it. If i had a relative who abused their child and kept a quiet mouth about it, would I be a friend or foe? Would I be someone that you would trust your own children with? But you transform me into a surrogate who has signed the dotted lines of a contract, and I have suddenly signed away my soul because I no longer have any rights to use the moral compass that was instilled in me in every other situation of my life. I am told by the things I read and the surrogates I talk to that 9 times out of 10, we are monsters if we displace a child from the home agreed to in the contract.

But to those surrogates, I ask them to put themselves in the shoes of the surrogates such as myself who have seen the other side to things. The side where IP's lied about their age, identity, marriage, sanity and life. See the side of the surrogate who 9 months later still goes to her therapist dutifully once a week so that she does not view herself as the victim in the situation and instead works on guilt and mourning at not choosing to do the right thing for an infant who was powerless in a situation where me and my DH, the IPs, the agency and the lawyers involved all had the power and used it in each of our own ways to suit ourselves. That is the guilt I forever will live with and will never hand off to another. It is my role in this. I didn't want to be an outcast, I had no support, I couldn't afford the legal proceedings needed to undertake such a huge battle to protect the little girl I carried. Baby E was protected and nurtured while in my womb, and while I never grew an attachment to her. She still is a child with a soul who was left in the hands of parents who never would have passed any of the testing/screening needed of adoptive parents.

I understand that my words may anger many an infertile parent. I mean no such thing. Instead I hope to put words out there that help people think twice. While we all are promised the right to life, liberty and happiness. We need to start asking, "At what cost?" Is this something that we pursue at the cost of another human being? At the cost of an innocent child who in 20 years may not understand any of it? At the cost of families left in the wake, being forced to be on either one side of for or against surrogacy?

I read an interesting book, The Red Tent. Originally drawn to it regarding midwifery and my friend sent it to me realizing it would be up my ally. But by the end of the book I drew from it much more than the fictional aspects of womanhood and community that we lack in this day and age. Instead the handmaidens drew from the shadows of the pages and took center stage. I never really understood what a handmaiden was in biblical times. Having been raised extremely strict in a christian religion where sex was never discussed, I didn't really ever grasp that fact that a handmaiden was a woman's maid who was many times married to her master's husband. She was the 'backup'. The one who went to the husband when the other couldn't due to pregnancy or childbirth, who helped raise the children, bore the husband's children but received no official dowry, wedding or rights as a wife. She is protected, fed and taken care of but used all the same.

Surrogacy is the handmaiden of fertility in many relationships. Not all. I do acknowledge the beautiful, full and open surrogacy relationships that my friends in the surrogacy community have blessed me with sharing. There are some amazing results and life long friendships where all parties are equal partners. But, this is not a whole nor even the majority. I have heard too often we are hired wombs, who use our uteri to get what we want. I have heard of the pain and agony that makes infertile women do crazy things. I have heard much in regards to infertility. And my heart aches for each and every woman who wants a child and cannot have one through her own will. But for those in this community who take advantage of a woman's uterus and pays her off in hopes of securing her own handmaiden, shame on you. This is not the way or the will to bring a child into the world.

Much more, but I am sure i have lost most of my readers. That is something i'm ok with. This has been a long time coming and I have a feeling that the demons of insomnia may be a little less powerful tonight for my soul.