Yesterday my middle child announced she was running away. I can't even remember the circumstances that brought it about. But after getting in trouble she determined that she was running away because i was the meanest mommy on earth.
I told dh to ignore it and it would work itself out. But as it progressed to an all encompassing issue, we quickly realized dd was not going to drop this. She become obsessed with the thought of running away, packing her blanket, pillow pet, and some fake food from her kitchen set.
Initially we told her to go for it, but that it would be cold and to think it through. Then as i was making dinner, cooking the turkey meat for spaghetti, we heard the front door unlock and i quickly ran over to see her on top of a chair and on her tippie toes to unclasp the child lock that was 6 feet off the ground. I realized, this was not your average runaway and thought to myself "Oh crap, you're in for it J"
I told her that she needed to talk to her father before she ran away and quickly dh forbid her from doing it. I warned dh that forbidding our middle child from doing anything, would never work. I asked him, "When has forbidding me from doing anything EVER worked except to make me succeed?"
He took 20 minutes to talk her down, all the while me making dinner hoping he'd get her off this obsessive mission to run away. Nothing changed and i served up our oldest dd who had just finished homework and had just finished feeding our almost 7 month old his baby food. I went into the room to my youngest dd and explained how very far Africa was (where she wanted to run away to) and showed her on our globe where it was in comparison to us. Then i explained all the scary things that could stop her between here and there. And much like me, she gave me every explanation as to why she would overcome those issues. I started to get annoyed. I told her to wait and then sent dh back in.
At that moment i realized my frustration was in the very fact that this sweet and perfect doe eyed little girl was JUST like me. She saw a reason and was able to overcome it with tenacity and will. Nothing would ever stop her. There was no reason as to why she could not over come it. And then i quickly called my mother and asked her if she could do it over again what would she have done with me. She explained she would have forbidden it. Well we tried that. It was a no go.
And so i went back to trying to understand why my middle child, just like myself as a middle child, ever felt the need to run away. And i knew in my heart it was because she felt ignored. With the birth of her baby brother her ability to explore her life and her fears and her ultimate need to conquer the world (much as i feel in myself to this day) was always safe to be expressed in the warmth of my parenthood of 2 children. But with the birth of a 3rd i had reigned it into survival which had quelled the ability for her to express that. It had become about routine and surviving. She had no room for any of that in her brain or heart, much as i don't have, which probably explains much of my own fighting at the seams during this period of my life. And therefor she had begun to figure out bigger and better ways to express herself.
And so she came out with her bag packed and pure determination on her face. I resolved myself with having to get my shoes on and warm clothes as i knew the temp was 40 degrees and needing to open that door and let her realize how scary the world was when she uttered one simple sentence. I can't recall what it was, but i latched on to it. And i asked her, "Do you want to travel" And she said that she did, because the whole while she had been uttering she was running away but would come back after so many days. And i asked her if she could go on an adventure and camp with daddy alone, would she not run away. She jumped at the chance. I asked her if we could all go on a snow trip and see things she'd never seen before and if mommy took her and her older ds snowboarding, would she stay. And in that single moment i saw her eyes light up and the pure romance in her eyes.
And i knew, she was her mother's daughter. It wasn't the new brother, it wasn't the tiny apartment, it wasn't the lack of one on one time. It was the mourning of the simple pleasure of life that we had born her with. That of having the ability to take on the unknown and EXPLORE. We had robbed her of her creativity. We had taken away the very spirit that we had birthed her with in her homebirth of setting out on your own. It was plain and simple, us robbing her of her creativity and the ability to express her very emotional side that i hold dear to myself in me. It was the ability to take life at it's fullest and put it in front of you. At 5, she knew she was missing out on it. At 30, i had robbed my child of it. Today, past the drama. I realize, there is one other person in my family just like me. We both crave the unknown, we both crave the ability to take life to it's edge and to ask of it what it will give us. I had already robbed her of that for almost 7 months and seen the consequences. It is a reminder to never take life for granted. To remember that just because i am oppressing my inner most desires that my children may not be happy to do so and therefor i have to create for them those moments that they may need to test life in the most safe and embracing of situations (ie snowboarding or camping in the unknown) or else they will go out on their own and create it for themselves. While i am thankful for getting past this huge and emotional issue, i am also thankful for the lesson. May i never forget, especially in the teen years that there is one child here who craves the excitement and unknown of life. So i need to learn to create it for them in a setting that is safe and wont make them search out for it in other settings. If my children are able to express and search in this setting, they won't have to walk down paths such as those that myself and my friends walked down that are much more dangerous and scary (or least i hope)!
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