Pieces of the puzzle

Yesterday the other woman's fiance asked to meet with me. He wasn't sure exactly why, but mostly I think it's because the woman had convinced him that I was crazy and trying to ruin their lives and was lying. But I had specific facts and we both had copies of phone records that proved otherwise. I took everything I'd gathered over the last few months, including the custody paperwork I'd filed as earlier in the day I'd had an enlightening phone conversation with the other woman. I'll start there.

About 11 am my phone rang and I immediately recognized the number. I answered it and my heartbeat shot through the roof and I immediately started feeling jittery. I knew I was going into fight mode and I tried to breath and be calm. She said she wasn't calling to fight but that she did not want me involved in her life and for me to please stop all communication with her fiance. I'll admit, I wasn't too nice. I told her that would have been fine had she not screwed my husband. To which she said she hadn't touched him. She proceeded to get attitudey with me and I finally told her i didn't hate her, wasn't angry with her and didn't even dislike her . . . I solely felt sorry for her as she had no clue who STBX really was and I'm betting he got her with lies. She said they had only been friends and her and everyone else in their unit felt incredibly sorry for him because he had told everyone that I was an abusive, alcoholic, bitch of a crazy wife who slept around constantly and that he didn't even know if DS was his. I shouldn't have been surprised, but I won't lie; that stung. I told her none of those things were true and calmed down and explained our history, I explained STBX's previous affairs, I explained that she wasn't the only one but one of three. She maintained her innocence and then bald face lied to me that she'd had no problems in her relationship and wanted to marry her fiance and there was no reason for her and sTBX to have been anything but friends and that they barely talked.

And that's when it came together for me and I knew that STBX was truthful and she was trying to cover her tracks because her fiance had told me how things were ok until the end of June and then after she came home from AT she had started threatening leaving him and she had been fighting with him nonstop. I knew if she was going to lie about something as small as her relationship she'd have no problem lying about everything else. She then told me she knew I was going to meet up with her fiance and begged me not to, to get my nose out of her business and to please meet up with her first so that I could see she was a good human being. I put her off and said maybe, but had no intention. And told her I meant her no harm, I had no issue with her but that I didn't trust her or STBX and to have a nice life.

A few hours later I headed off to meet with her fiance and as I was halfway there I got a text from the other woman saying she knew I was going to meet her fiance and she was sorry for any drama this had caused and that she didn't want it anymore then i did and to please let her just fix her issues with her fiance. I didn't feel sorry for her and the funny thing was through all of this my sole goal by meeting her fiance was to have some closure and see if there was anything I had missed. About 15 minutes before I arrived at our meetup, I got a text from her fiance that he had all the proof of the affairs and to hurry.

So I arrived and I'll admit, i was terrified and nervous. Was he going to bring her? Was this all a setup that STBX had planned and I was going to get beat up? Was he going to be a pyscho abusive jerk? And then I said a little prayer and parked with a leap of faith and then this guy starts walking towards the truck who looked exactly like his facebook profile and the look on his face let me know I was safe, he was safe and we were both in the same damn sinking boat. And I got out and went to shake his hand and he reached out and hugged me instead. He thanked me for meeting and said how sorry he was I was involved in this and I told him the same. And then we went and sat down and talked for about four hours.

At first we were both very nervous and upset and tentative, but then as we started to talk we realized neither of the other was out to get us and opened up. Things clicked, dates set in and then he showed me her texts that admitted to everything all the way down to the date and place. And it was like a sucker punch to the gut all over again, but afterwards it was a huge sigh of relief. We continued talking and he said how he'd been nervous because she'd tried to convince him I was crazy just like how the whole unit thought I was and he looked at me and said, "If you're the crazy one why is it you're the only one that has been 100% truthful and respectful to me in all of this?" I about burst into tears because listening to a spouse tell you you're the one that is the cause of all the problems and full of issues for months, makes you start to question yourself and him saying that was a bit of validation that I wasn't losing my mind. I'd been right all along and had waited 2 months to make sure I had hard proof before I involved him, and I only involved him for his health and safety. I never intended on meeting him or using anything against STBX.

We continued talking, every emotion I'd felt over the previous two months were sitting right in front of me in this man I barely knew and my heart broke for him and it also broke for myself. This is how I'd been for two months. The pain on his face, was the pain writen all over my heart. At one point he said, "It kills me to know that my son will never know or remember me and his mother together". Now the sad part of this is that they have a child that is one, a little boy born 7 days after my own DS. And when he said that, I did start crying. Because it had been the very thought that was the most raw in my heart through all of this. That my precious, innocent, perfect little boy would NEVER remember mom and dad together, ever. I was that little kid. I don't know my parents together, probably for the better. But it still hurts and I know what these two little boys will feel. The fiance put his hand on my arm and told me I could cry if i needed and i laughed and told him how much I hate crying. He said half the time since he found out he didn't know if he wanted to cry or hurt someone. I told him that sounded about right.

At one point we got something to drink (no not booze, just water and soda) and I explained how just the smell of food these days makes me incredibly sick to my stomach, how I've eaten maybe 5 whole meals in 2 weeks and dropped 15 pounds. I joked it was the worlds' easiest diet. He said that he'd not been able to eat a bite since I'd called and emailed and I apologized and he told me not to. He understood. We both understood. Here I was with someone that knew exactly what I felt all the way down to he was the one raising their one year old while his fiance was away at drill/AT and supposedly doing military stuff but in reality screwing my husband. He got it all the way down to the kids and the heartache and the frustration. Looking in his eyes felt safe and eye contact was simple. This was another soul who felt what I felt at that exact moment in time and I wasn't afraid of being me or vulnerable. I suddenly understand why people go to support groups . . . to be with someone, talking, sharing, surviving the exact same trauma is healing. This wasn't STBX who always refuted everything I said and who placed the blame on me, here was a man who was truthful and honest and open to all that I had sadly brought to him, and to make matters worse for the guy he still was honest and respectful even though it was his birthday!

I will forever thank this stranger for meeting and showing me nothing but kindness. A friendship may develop for a bit as we work our way through the unchartered emotional muck and mire, and one day may end as the other will always be a reminder of what happened to us. But for right now, I'm just thankful that I was able to talk and express these very raw feelings to another human being who felt the same. Neither of us looked at the other and said or thought, "Well you deserved it" or "This was your fault" or "You sissy suck it up". There was true compassion, true respect and truthfulness. So foreign to me to accept any of that from a complete stranger. But my walls were broken down and talking for those four hours helped heal my soul.

I walked away from that meeting feeling better. I mean not great, as we figured out more things they'd not told us, but able to breath. I took the hour long drive home and just thought through everything that came to mind. And then it hit me. I'm growing up, I'm maturing. I'm becoming the woman I have always wanted to be. I could have been the old me and planned out our attack on how to ruin their lives. I could have been spiteful and kissed the guy (or more) as he made it clear he was surprised how any guy would cheat on a woman as attractive as me. But instead I maintained the boundaries, was a good person and knew I'd followed my ethical code. I didn't need to be STBX or the other woman and fall into some person's arms that I barely knew to make myself feel better. I don't need to be attached to anyone to feel ok. Am I going to be lonely? Hell yes and I am betting some nights are going to be pretty damn difficult. But other times, it feels right. This is ok, this is right. It's not of my choosing, but when I stop fighting it and just go with who I really am beneath all the pain and sadness . . . I kind of actually really like myself. Which is a first for me in many, many years. I've always felt like I'm such a huge work in progress that I'll just never get there. But instead from just the last few weeks, I'm finding more and more moments of breathing. Surprising moments of pure and utter peace. Graceful moments of thankfulness and humility. That through all of this, I still have a chance to be me. Maybe one day I'll be loved (I won't lie, I'm scared to death of the thought but also deep down know I want to be loved) and maybe I wont. But I haven't truly been loved in ten years either and it hasn't killed me yet. So I can get through anything.

The drive home was peaceful and soul soothing. Random songs would come on that would remind me of sex and cheating and I'd just switch the channel. I didn't have any more questions, anymore desire to be near STBX or hear his side of the story. I knew what I needed to know and that was that I have spent 10.5 years with someone who neither deserved or respected me and my children and now I have given myself the chance to be set free. I took those steps. I walked away. I relinquished my rights to hold anything over STBX. I also take back my power, my strength, my love and my happiness.

As I finish writing this up, tears are streaming down my face and I just sit here and can't help but think: I'm doing it. I'm loving myself. I'm living life loving and open and in a place of complete surrender. And it doesn't feel so scary at this exact moment in time. It isn't killing me, it isn't hurting me. He didn't break me, he didn't ruin me. It's healing me. He set me free by his actions when trying to inflict pain and instead I'm going to fly. I'm going to be the best damn phoenix the sky has ever seen and when I burst into flames and am reborn, all he will be able to do is stand by and watch (or maybe I already did last night and now I'm relearning how to fly?). I spent far too many years giving him my power and I will never do so again. For now I'm testing out my wings and slowly gaining altitude, but I always wont be feeling so hurt. I wont spend every single day of my life hurting as badly as I do right now and if I can be vulnerable and up front with a complete stranger . . . I can't imagine how much good I can begin to do within myself and for others by being that authentic person for the rest of my days to the best of my ability. There is hope and I intend on keeping my eye on that hope and healing, everything happens for a reason and I am pretty sure me and my amazing kids are meant for something much better than what we've survived the last few years. There is always hope, and no one can take that from you.