Yesterday I went and officially filed for divorce. STBX was in agreement with the plan I had proposed which was that I get 100% sole physical custody and he gets visitation a few days a week in the afternoons and every other weekend. We would maintain joint custody and he would keep up the living expenses of the current place we are renting (that is, if he can ever catch up since he's thousands behind on everything). I made it clear this was not control, me using the kids, me wanting more money. It plain and simply has to do with the fact that he risked our ds's life and health by what he did without a second thought AND it is my job to provide stability for the children. STBX has no home, no where to bring the kids, nothing. He's been living at work. So I have opened my doors to him and he is welcome to use my home for visitation and my vehicle for outings. Plus he deploys in 2012, so uprooting the kids right now truly makes no sense. He agrees, for now.
And so I made my way to the courthouse expecting hours upon hours of waiting and whatnot. But instead I was in and out in 30 minutes. The last time in 2004 when I filed it literally took 3 hours and loads of headaches. This time they were so helpful and I had everything prepared that i went in, had them look it over, filed and was off. I couldn't help but think it was another sign that this truly was the right step.
I wont lie, I fought tears as I left the courthouse. It's the end of almost 11 years with the man I loved. It's my children's family, it's the only man i've ever been with as an adult. It's a big change, a scary change and a sad one. I am heartbroken for myself and my children. But I also felt that amazing feeling of being able to breath again. I knew in my heart THIS was the right thing for myself and my children. We all deserve better than this chaos we've been living for so long at the hands of another being who cares nothing for our personal safety. And I knew i'd given it my all.
And then he came over last night and decided to drop a bomb on me about the affair with the woman in his unit. He'd always maintained it was simply an emotional affair, nothing physical . . . until last night. And then he decided to inform me of another affair he'd had back in April when he'd gone to Delaware for work. And then it all hit, I had been right. I'd been really worried about the trip when i realized his ring was at home and thought in my head that something was going on, but didn't have many of indicators that there was. I was pretty pissed and then i was mad at myself for feeling anger again. I had woken up CHOOSING to forgive him, i didn't want any space for anger. I fell asleep on that anger, and then I woke up with that desire to forgive again. I was relieved it was there and I was so very glad i'd filed for divorce. I had done the right thing without a doubt.
And so I got up and then I decided that I would look up the woman from his unit as I knew she'd had a fiance on facebook. I emailed him and asked him to call me, then thought better of it as he may not want the information over the phone. So I gave him the cliff notes version of the specifics I knew about his fiance and what info I had, I let him know he could still call me and that I apologized for intruding in his life but that I simply just wanted to give him the option to get an STD testing as if it were me in his shoes, I'd want someone to tell me. And then about an hour later I got a call.
We spent the next few hours of the day comparing notes, things started dawning on both of us and things started making sense. Things that he knew that I didn't came up and vice versa. I kept apologizing for ruining his day and interfering, but just wanted him to know for his own health. And he thanked me. He ended up calling STBX who denied it all and then this girl, that STBX had sworn he hadn't talked to in 3 weeks . . .called him and her fiance confirmed that they had shared over 77 phone calls in the last 13 days and had met up twice in the last two weeks. So we've been keeping each other abreast of the findings we come up with and it's mostly just a closure thing for me. I knew he was a jerk, but really didn't think it could be this bad . . . I mean really who has time for 4 different affairs in 4 months?? I sure as heck haven't, not with a toddler!
And then I got the call from the fiance and he let me know he'd contacted unit command, a bunch of higher ups and that he was previous military and knew exactly what to do so that STBX and his girlfriend would be prosecuted. I was taken aback and let him know that wasn't ever my intention and he responded with, "No but it's mine. This happens all the time in the military and everyone turns a blind eye to it and there are four kids involved in this". But I wont lie, a part of me felt pretty damn vindicated because I had never had any intention of taking STBX to the mat with his career, all I ever wanted was a damn apology.
And so tonight I sit in sadness. But it's an ok sadness. It's a sadness of I know what's happened, I see STBX for exactly who he is and what he's put my family through. And I'm still holding my head high and behaving in a manner that I am not ashamed of or wanting to run away from it all. This too shall pass. I will be divorced from him soon and he will never ever be able to hurt me as he has the last few months. I am no longer his whipping post and he is no longer stuck locked into my heart where I made him stay for my own fear of abandonment. This time I'm glad the jerk left and I know it's for the best. Everything happens for a reason. This time the poor STBX chose the wrong girl to screw around with.
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