The last week feels as if it has been a year or more. Each day passes slowly, with the second hand ticking by at the speed of a tortiose. A lot has happened, a lot has been shared and the plain and the short of it is I did the right thing by filing for divorce. I have found out that my STBX didn't just cheat recently, he had been hiding a secret affair that he had when our oldest daughter was only 3 months old and we'd not even celebrated our year anniversary yet. It took my breath away but confirmed something I'd always thought. And so I have been reminded of the saying that when someone shows you their true colors, don't ignore them.
I've also developed a friendship with the mistress' ex-fiance. It's been a nice change because he gets it, all of it. And he doesnt BS me and tell me it's all going to be ok and how wonderful I am. Now don't get me wrong, it's great that my friends think they are saying the right thing by building me up. But what the heck is wrong with mourning and grieving? I've noticed that people simply do not want to let you do so and they have to come up with a way to make it better. The ex-fiance and one special friend who has survived a similar circumstance are the only two that don't try to cheer me up by telling me all the reasons it's not my fault. And it's healing because I'm allowed to be exactly who and what I am at this moment in time. I'm not expected to put on a good face and if i'm crappy, I can say so. If I'm ok, I can say so. There are no expectations of how I'm suppose to be feeling. It's as if people feel powerless around grief and therefor they must figure out a way to fix it so that they can be useful. I don't get it and it's been doing nothing but annoying me, which is sad because I know it's only meant with love and support. And so I've withdrawn from a lot of friends because right now I don't have it in me to tell them to just stop saying those things and let me freaking be sad for a few weeks. My almost 9 year marriage is ending, the only man I'd ever been with as an adult has left and broken my heart. It's natural to want to cry and feel sad and have a pity party, if you don't want to hear it please don't ask! Because I know this is a piece of the process and I wont always be here and if I feel it and own it, I'll eventually move onto the next piece of the process.
Which brings me to life and taking a pause. We get so wrapped up in life that I think we forget that it's ok to mourn. It's ok to grieve. Tomorrow is September 11th (sorry, won't refer to it as 9-11 as that seems to cheapen it in my eyes) and our nation will hopefully have a day of remembrance and grieving. In our go, go, go society we tend to make things shorter, easier, faster. But I hope that tomorrow we won't do that as a nation. I plan to have a discussion with my children as they are at the right ages to understand a bit of what happened, and we will be flying our American flag with pride. I was expressing to the mistress' ex-fiance that STBX didn't just take my heart, he took the pride I had as a military wife. But he will never take my pride as an American and that is something that the terrorists can never take from our citizens. We can grieve, we can mourn because we know that after the rain the sun has to shine. The American people united and moments of kindness and bonding and humblness were pouring all over our nation. We as a nation were united and whole. United we stand, together we fall. A good lesson for our nation as we move into a day of remembrance and mourning, as well as for those who are married.
And to all who were personally touched by the tragedy of September 11th by loss of loved ones my heart, prayers and repect go out to you. To all those who serve in our Military with pride, honor, dignity and respect I say my humble thank you for keeping me and my children safe and our rights unwaiverable. Good night America, I embrace you all.
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