Days turn into weeks

I've once again fallen behind on the blogging, but I know this is to be expected with the busy routine I have between the three kids and navigating the new waters of divorce. I also just don't have much to say. So many new facts come out daily of what I thought was an intimate and loving marriage and as I find out more, I realize I have less of a need to share them or even talk about them. They are what they are, I see who he is and I know I'll be ok . . . one day.

Fall is here and I cannot wait for the weather to catch up with it. Usually fall is my favorite time of year, I love the change of weather, the cooler nights and days, the turning of the leaves and watching them slowly fall off the trees as they burst into a rainbow of flames. My 2 girls' both have birthdays in October, I love their birthdays and it is a time of joy and celebration. And then my favorite holiday Halloween hits and we get to have a blast. This year I find myself not as excited. I'm going through the motions and smiling and taking each day at a time, but I'm not excited nor am I thrilled that the first holidays/celebrations I'm forced to celebrate are that of the births of my oldest 2. I know a lot of emotions will hit, they do daily already. I'm not looking forward to it this year, though thankfully STBX is going away for 2 weeks on business and won't be at their birthdays or the party. So at least this year, I won't have to deal with his energy and can solely focus on 2 of the 3 loves of my life.

Other than that, I'm just trying to find a job, get through every day and enjoy what moments of time I can. There is no real plan for the first time in my life. I'm taking each day and each moment as they hit me, it truly is all you can do. I go from relief to grief to confusion and sadness. Though I have more good days than bad now, which is a huge relief. I'm slowly making my way through this new aspect of my life. Death and divorce are supposedly two of the hardest things in life . . . I'm not sure if I agree yet. Because unlike death, at least I can still hold on to hope of a better future.

As I sit here and listen to the children squealing in delight as their dad watches them play, I know that this will simply be a chapter in my book. I am the author, I am no victim. It is my choice to create the destiny that I want and live the past that I can look back on with pride, relief and humility. And for the next bit of the journey, I'm doing so much more quietly, with a lot of self reflection and introspection. There is something to be learned from everything, after all. And I am not too proud or stupid to think I don't have a lot to learn from this part of my life.