I've had an incredibly, horrible, no good day. There's no way around it. I've spent the majority of the day in tears, just crying off and on when it hits. I went to bed early last night, 8 pm, in hopes that the mood that was lingering on me would be washed away by plenty of sleep. But I woke up in a worse space. Today I am sad, very deeply sad, mourning what wasn't, what has happened and what will be. And I wont deny, I've had moments of wishing intensely this were not my life. That instead my spouse had been faithful, that our marriage wasn't over and that I had been wise enough to choose a man who loved me in the manner I deserve. Silly really, to wish for what isn't. But I've found myself doing it most the day, that's when the tears come.
And then a very dear friend who lost her son had blogged, and I happened to click on it to see how she was doing. And I read these words:
"They say time heals ... time doesn't heal anything, it just takes you further from the impact. Things become less crushing, but nonetheless painful. The resolve at least brings comfort ... no sense hoping for something you know you'll never have. Just learn to live with the pain and sooth it when you can; and be prepared for the times it floods over you. Because when it rains, it truly does pour."
She is right and I feel like such an ass for comparing divorce to the loss of her son, because really I am so lucky to only be going through a divorce. I have my children, my health, the man i loved isn't dead. And it helps to read from a friend a wake up call that reminded me to stop feeling so darn pitiful and pining over what is not meant to be. Instead I need to find that resolve, I need to find the ability to stop hoping for something I know I'll never have. And i need to be grateful and humble. Grateful as my baby who turned 16 months old today, climbs all over me and tries to play with the keyboard as he yells, "ball! ball!" and points at his ball. I need to remember as i look in his eyes, that this little 'knighted warrior' came into my life for a purpose and it was not meant to be wasted away by his mother's self pity, sadness and inability to grasp that this is what life is and there is no point to changing the past. Because without that past, I'd not have him or his amazing two sisters. I need to remember, that I could have lost him or could lose him or his sisters at any time, and those are the moments in life that you save true mourning for.
If my amazingly strong, beautiful and caring friend can find this after her loss, it is time for me to woman up and realize that I do NOT have it so bad. It's time to stop focusing on what i don't have or what could have been from a man who doesn't deserve me, no less and start living every day for the babies i DO have that are in my life and love me and only need my love. It's time to remember that there are so many different hands we could be dealt . . . and many, many people would jump to only have to deal with divorce.
I am so blessed with friends who are able to share their hearts and souls with me, because in each person that comes into my life I am being taught lessons, learning new things about myself and this world . . . and life is a journey after all. If it was easy, I'd probably get bored with it.
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