Over the last few weeks I've had minimal time to devote to the computer and blogging as STBX was gone for 2.5 weeks which meant I was truly a single mom in every aspect of the word, no breaks, no swapping of kids. Just me and the three kids, which don't get me wrong I've come to really enjoy because i know one day they will have lives of their own and i wont be so involved in their every moments' care.
But it's meant a lot of thoughts have gone in one side of my brain and out the other. But one particular post has been sitting on my heart. It was of course at my therapist's urging. "J, what do you want? What paths do you have to choose from?"
Good questions, and questions i've been ultimately trying to avoid, because really as a single mom to three young children who has had her whole life turned topsy turvey has the time to really think about what THEY want??
And yet the question remains, at every appointment I have with my therapist. Right now, we both know the answers aren't so important as we work on my inner attachment issues that were formed as a child, before I was even 5 years of age. But they still are there, beneath the surface. And tonight, I can't sleep. Nothing new really, as I haven't slept in about 16 months plus some. But tonight they keep coming out, those questions. And so this is the question I suppose I am ready to confront. What do I want?
I want peace. I want understanding, I want to know what it is to be human and have my faults and be imperfect but to still be loved for who I am. I know I have a great deal of goodness in my heart and abounding amounts of loyalty, my failure of a marriage have taught me that at the very least, I want financial stability. No don't read that wrong, I'm not a gold digger, but I want to be with someone who deems financial security on the same plain as I do. That to take care of myself and my children, it isn't something that we foolishly throw away but instead work together to come to a decision that we make such and such sacrifices and go from there. Having the biggest house, car, ring, ect don't matter. What matters is that our needs are taken care of, and in the late blooming years we are able to provide for ourselves and whatever grown children we have.
Honesty and vulnerability. These are key ones to me. I want a man who is able to always be honest with me and never intentionally lies to me. I've lived 10.5 years listening to lies that a man told me to protect himself, even if i ask my partner if he cut the grass and he knows i'll be annoyed he didnt, i want a man to tell me the truth because that will make me love him all the more. And for a man willing to be vulnerable to me, that will give me the intimacy that i have craved for so many years in the marriage i had. Vulnerability is not weakness, it is one human being saying to another, "I trust you, I respect you and I am who i am". That to me is the ultimate sign of love because when we can be vulnerable we can be equal and all our extras are shaved away and we are simply who we are, created and made perfectly in His sight.
Self love. This is another important one for me. I am not perfect, i am not god's gift to men. I am nothing particularly special. But i hold self love, because somewhere along the way I fought for myself and told myself i was worthy of my own love. It is something that i instill in my children daily, that they are worth loving themselves and no one else's opinion of them can make them any less. When i see a man who has it (and no i'm not talking about the cocky bastards who think they are Adonis) it is something that makes me realize they have looked themselves in the mirror and still decided to be thankful for who they are, all the while working on themselves and their own inner struggles/battles. This is a sign of a true man to me.
Forgiveness. The ability to learn to forgive and move on from those that have hurt them. This is something I strive for every day with STBX and I know that I could never ever be with a person who can't forgive. Because i want love and when someone loves me and they learn about all the things that STBX did, i'm pretty sure they are going to hurt for me. And so i hope and pray for a man who is forgiving, because while i have been devestated and hurt to the core by this man, he is still the father of my children and i pray/fight daily to find forgiveness in my heart in hopes of being his friend so that we can parent in a manner that doesn't scar my children. And i want the same in a man who loves me, to be able to not cause more friction and to not hurt or harm the father of my kids. But to look at him and say 'I was forgiven, and so he should be too because i love my wife and her children and know that while she loved him before, it isn't the same love we feel'. I guess this goes hand in hand with a lack of jealousy. I don't want a jealous man who feels the need to possess me.
All the men i've been with up to date (except one) have held the need to possess me, and I don't want that any more. I am not a thing or a possession. I am a woman, who gives her all. Not something that can be held or captured or used against others. And so i want a man who will be able to realize I am a human with a heart, who gives freely of herself.
And lastly, I may want more children. I may want to give birth again. I may want to try one last time at having a newborn with a man that I adore and trust and love and go through those stages that rip your heart wide open and test a couple to see what they are made of. Not sure on this one yet, but it's a possibility.
Alright, there you have it. My list. Those are the things that are important to me. I'm sure i'll add to it someday ;)
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