I am coming to realize that sometimes no matter how much you love someone, does not equate to how much you have or what the outcome will be. Up until the last 3 months I held onto this preconceived notion (which I'd really love to figure out where it came from) that if you just loved someone with all you had in a healthy manner, it would all work out in the end. But this simply isn't true. Sometimes, love isn't enough.
Through the roller coaster of the last 4 months, I've had my fair share of ups and downs, and loop-de-loops. There have been moments I've been covering my eyes and scared as hell, there have been moments i've been screaming to God to please make it stop and then there have been moments of pure exhilaration and joy as I accept that I deserve peace and calm. But the majority of the ride has pretty much felt like someone else is in the driver's seat. And yet, through all of it, i held on to this thought that if I just loved myself and him enough . . . it would all be ok. I didn't know what ok was, at times I thought it was moving on and acknowledging that self love is more important . . .at others i thought it was possibly, maybe waiting until he was healthy enough to be loved. And now I am pretty sure, it's none of the above. Instead I'm starting to come to the grim realization that no matter how much you love someone, it isn't always enough. That no matter how deeply, full heartedly and truthfully you love someone . . .they aren't capable of conquering their own inner battles. And you are left, with the brunt of the pain and heartache.
But I am realizing that where there is a will there is a way. And no, that doesn't mean the will for what you want to become a reality, it means the will of realizing at the core of yourself . . .YOU are enough for yourself.
I won't lie, there have been moments in this big mess of a divorce where i've thought to myself, well maybe he's getting it, maybe there IS hope for us. It wasn't a pathetic, i don't deserve true love way either. It was simply the reality that my heart will always love this man and always wish that my children's family hadn't been torn apart. And so when he started wearing his wedding ring again and coming around on the days and times he'd promised he would, my heart would skip a beat and i'd think, "Maybe he's getting it, he's really seeing what matters'. I wouldn't let him see it, i wouldn't let him into my heart, i wouldn't even be anything other than the calm and collected mother of his children. But it was there, all the while, beneath the surface secretly hoping he'd gotten his crap together. And then every single time, with in a few hours or 24 hours, God, the universe, whatever it may be that you call it, would give me a wake up call.
Today was another prime example. I let him spend the night (in the guest room) and let him help with our DS who is still waking most every hour at night as I am sick with a horrible cold that is threatening to turn to strep throat. And he did so with no complaints and offered to do it. I sat up last night and watched a movie, one which he asked if he could watch with me. No issues, no breach of space or intimacy so I saw no problem in it. Then towards the end he professed how much he loved me and how he was going to prove to me he was a better man, even if it took the rest of his life being alone to do so. I didn't buy it for a second, at least not in his eyes and went to bed. And then i spent the night tossing and turning, questioning myself and my heart. What if i was turning him away due to pride, what if i had never loved him enough to realize he was human and this was part of his flaws or sickness i was suppose to love through sickness and health? You see, I've come to realize my biggest fault in life is that I am loyal literally to a fault. I obviously did not get a fitful night of sleep due to the inner workings of my heart not to mention the horribly sore throat that woke me most every hour with horrendous pain. So ask me why i was surprised why in the world i was woken up at 7:50 am by a phone call? STBX had agreed to get up with the kids and spend the day with them as it was 'his' weekend, i agreed and decided to try and get as much sleep as i could since i'm recovering from doing a 2.5 week stint by myself while he was away on more army training. At first i picked up my phone, annoyed i'd forgotten to turn off the ringer the night before. And then i saw a '443' area code, and i hit silent thinking it was a telemarketer. And then the recesses of my brain starting firing off whatever they fire off and then i thought 'Angie'. I hit answer, not sure why, but i did and said hello.
It was the girl that he had cheated on me with five months previously on his last work trip out to Delaware (which is where he had just gotten back from again). And i was inundated with a very pissed off female demanding to know why i had contacted her soon to be ex husband and told him that STBX and her had slept together, had a 5 month relationship and so on and so forth. In my groggy state I was shocked, to say the least. I had to slowly connect the dots and wake up still. And then I told her to hold up, I had just woken up and asked if she was accusing me of contacting her husband? She said yes. And i said, "You're married?" to which she explained she was getting a divorce. News to me as STBX had only told me he'd made out with some single girl at a bar all those months ago and I didn't even know her last name. Once I got her calmed down I explained that while I may have been made out to be a crazy psycho by my STBX, i had three small children. One of which whom didn't even sleep 2 hours at a time. I had a large dog and a household of my own that i manned 100% completely on my own, true single motherhood. Most of the time while STBX was off on 'training' or staying at his work to avoid the realities of his life he had created. That the only thing I knew about her was that her name was Angie, i didn't even know her first name or email address. And that while i knew her cell number, it was listed as unavailable through google, white pages and every other search engine i had checked and I had zero time to hunt her down and make her life hell or even try to figure out who she was.
Suddenly she calmed down. She explained to me that she'd spent the last 2 hours with her ex husband (who she wasn't officially divorced from) fighting over the fact that some girl with my name had called him and said all kinds of things about her. I let her know that he was on crack or someone else had done it because i'd spent the last 24 hours directly with STBX and my children as he had been off sick and had decided to take his time with the kids sooner and had been under my roof with me and them since yesterday at 10 am. I asked her to ask him for my full name and phone number, and that STBX'es phone number was still under my name (not STBX'es name) and that if she asked her ex for the number that called him, that would probably answer the issue as I had a feeling he'd probably checked their joint phone bill. I also let her know i didn't want the drama and didn't have time to be searching down other people and trying to ruin their life, my life was in enough ruin thank you very much.
30 minutes later she ended the call with profuse apologies and telling me she had no idea that STBX was really still married as he'd always said he was legally separated and i was out sleeping around town and when she'd met up with him twice last week he'd still insisted we were not together (i had no idea they'd met up). I told her i didn't hate her, not at all, in fact i knew the man STBX was and of the 6 women he'd cheated on me with (yeah, he admitted to a few more over the last 2 weeks) every single one of them had been told that he was legally separated and that we were having a divorce that we were just waiting on since june of 2010. So i knew his song and dance and never ever blamed any of these women, i blamed him. I let her know that i had no intentions of taking the time to search out and ruin anyone else's lives, the lives of myself and my three amazing children were casualty enough. And so she promised me we would never talk again and she'd leave me alone with sincere apologies.
But it still left a taste in my mouth. Maybe it was God taking care of me. Maybe it was just a reminder that I cannot nor ever will be able to trust STBX in regards to my heart and what happened. Or maybe it was just simply something that had to happen to remind me that he is a liar and I know when he is lying and to never ever again ignore my gut instinct in regards to him. Regardless, I'm left finding myself annoyed that someone is either pretending to be me or that this chick who is a complete stranger that made out with my husband unbeknowest to me, thinks that I'm a 'pyscho bitch' (her words, not mine as she also emailed STBX and he showed me) and she believes all of these horrible lies that STBX told her about me over the past 5 months. Maybe I just need to stop caring? Or maybe I need to realize that no matter how much i love someone (or how much i prove to someone i am a truthful, good and honest person) it will never be enough.
Food for thought as I go through this journey, that's for sure.
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