Anyone who has been through a traumatic incident, loss or accident knows that if they see anything similar coming along ever again, they brace for impact. You psyche yourself up for it, prepare as best you can and keep living every day, put each foot in front of you but always with a nagging preparation.
I have survived two affairs and one separation within the confines of my marriage. In 2012 we would be celebrating our ninth anniversary (the irony that my parents divorced shortly after their ninth anniversary is not missed on me) but I’ve always felt as if we were a year behind because we had split and lived separately for 9 months. I know the signs and the behaviors of an affair, I have it down to a science. And my heart and head go into preparation mode. Last time, I got a job and made sure I could support my two girls on my own. I did just fine. This time, I was so over the top busy with a very high demand baby that I only thought I had prepared my heart and soul.
I was wrong. DEAD wrong. This weekend, I should have been bracing for impact. I knew in my heart and soul that there was more. And STBX’s excuses that it was me, my actions, my not being the perfect wife were all a façade. Which I knew. I always knew. As I said, I know his behaviors, his reactions and exactly what he’s doing when he’s cheating. And I knew it was more than the female in his unit. And therefor I should have been bracing for impact all along.
And then I found the new emails. The secret accounts. The hundreds and hundreds of Instant Messages from some 28 year old from the area who only wanted sex and to adore my husband and pump up his ego while he played the, “Poor me, my wife hates the military, hates me and is abusive” card. I should not have been surprised at the Craigslist forums where he trolls the forums for advise and ways to make me to be the crazy one. I should not have had my breath taken away at the sight of him posting for sex with a male on Craigslist. Or the dozens of sites he joined looking for no strings attached sex from men and women alike.
Now here me out, I do not post this to ruin his character or to slander him. This blog is about the realities of divorce and what I’m going through. So I write exactly what I’m going through, no sugar coating. I also don’t need to be pitied or become a victim from all of this. I have my part in the marriage. I always gave more to my children then my spouse. I haven’t supported his decision once in the last year to be in the military and I have a hell of a temper and am quick to anger when I should be more patient. I know I partially drove him away. (But to write from my heart, means all the details because it is a part of this. And the details are what hurt the most.) But I also know that a good man, a whole man, a loving man would never have done any of these things if he felt put on the backburner or felt his wife was struggling with issues and life. That is where the rubber meets the road for me.
And so I am back to being in the middle of all of this information. He happened to be visiting with the children while I had found all of this out and figured it out from one of his accounts alerting him and stormed into my room. The anger I felt at that precise moment was one of pure rage. And so I closed my laptop, grabbed my purse and told him I didn’t want to see his disgusting face. And I walked out and left for a few hours. I needed to be away. I knew if I stayed I may just be arrested and that he would be fully justified in playing the ‘crazy wife’ card, because at that moment I felt crazy. Crazy with rage, sadness, disgust and abandonment. The thoughts that went through my head are not ones I'm proud of, the anger and pain that hit me . . . they overwhelmed my soul and being. He had done these things MONTHS before he up and moved out on us. He had done this months before he’d ever even expressed his frustrations in our marriage. He had never said a word about his dissatisfaction until AFTER these things had been going on for months. I felt taken, manipulated and used.
And so I returned home and told him I never wanted to see him again and he was never again welcome in my home and that he should sign the kids 100% custody to me because he did NOT deserve them since he had risked my health and that of our unvaccinated nursing son by his sexual exploitations. I asked what his unit command would do with all the information? And then I saw it. The fear. And he looked like a child who has done the worst of the worst in his parent's eyes and doesn't know how to fix it.
I sat on that anger for a good 12 hours and actually started the ball rolling in regards to his military career and the information I had. And then the soul sucking sadness hit me under the chin, between the eyes, in my ribs and in just about every spot on my heart, body and soul. I could not breath, I could not survive. I was going to die right then and there. And then after a few hours of that, I realized I had survived it before. This was not the first time he’d done these exact things to me. And I also realized, I was not the same person I had been the first time it happened when I thought I’d die from a broken and cheated heart. NO! I had survived and I knew I could again. I knew also, that you can never truly brace for impact. That is the life lesson I’m learning. No matter what I do, it's going to hurt like hell. I thought if I pushed him away during the last 3 months what I knew in my gut and heart to be happening, wouldn’t hurt and wouldn’t kill me. I thought this time, I wouldn’t be as naïve and thought I was bracing for impact. But the truth of the matter, there is no brace that is strong enough to protect your heart from pain when someone you truly love hurts you. There is no way to avoid it either.
And then last night, I read something. It was a bible verse of all things about how turning anger onto anger only makes it worse. And then I read something about forgiveness and how it’s a choice. And I sat and I thought. I could stay in that hate and anger. I could keep pushing all of it on him and demanding he make justice for what he did to me. But hadn’t the past already taught me that that method was as pointless as trying to find every last nit on my kids' heads? And did I want to continue living in the bitterness that I had partially allowed to encompass my life with STBX over the past year? No, I wanted to surrender. I didn’t know to who or how. But I prayed to God, the Universe, to everything in this world that makes life connect, ebb and flow. I prayed to forgive this man who has crushed my heart and soul and hurt me more than any other human on this earth. I prayed for strength to continue every single day choosing to forgive this man. And then I turned STBX out of my heart and into the world. He is truly on his own and is no longer mine to make pay a penance. I no longer hold him prisoner in my heart from all the pain he has created. I let go for 2 minutes and then suddenly a miracle happened (ironic since I don’t believe in them), I could breath. I could truly breath and sit and not have a single thought cross my head. My heart felt relief and I felt peace. Something I’ve not felt since I met STBX. I no longer felt like a prisoner in my own heart for the first time in many, many years. And it was the most amazing feeling I’ve ever had. I’m sure it wont last forever, but it sure is one hell of a start.
Ok, off to run DS is screaming at me, he’s apparently not so peaceful today.
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