Nitpicking?

This was started over a week ago, but due to the circumstances, I've had no time to finish it so please excuse the disjointed rambling.

Today was another day in the life of fog, I woke up at o'dark 30 with ds and told myself all I had to do to survive was manage a happy and smiling day until his nap time. I got up, got showered, got the kids breakfast and then as DD#2 walked up to me I saw a bug on her forehead. I immediately squished it and went on to prepare DS's breakfast. Then I stopped.

I thought back to DD#1 who has been complaining about an itching head, despite me changing her shampoo and conditioner and checking her thoroughly twice (and a friend checked, too) for bugs, hives, rash, anything. I went online and googled 'Lice images'. Bam, there was a host of nasty pictures which sent fear up my spine and made me flash back to all my preconceived notions. Parenting is funny that way. In the last 7.5 years of it, I've slowly been learning that the things you judge the most happen to you, the things you say you'll never do you actually contemplate and sometimes give in to. I have never had head lice, not once in my 31 years. Nor have any of my siblings while we all lived under the same roof. I have borderline OCD issues and my issues involve hygiene and cleanliness. So, I'd always equated lice with bad hygiene. I'd even thought a time or 2 that if other people got it, it had to be because they weren't as clean as they stated they were.

And then I realized that my dd had lice. It was a smack upside the head. I scanned my mind, trying to figure out the where and how's. Trying to figure out exactly when they got it. Found out that a lifecycle for lice is about a month and went back. DD#1 first started complaining about an itching head 3 days after her school haircut (short, to her chin). I checked her for bugs and rash and told her it was just her neck getting use to having such short hairs tickling her neck. So much for mom knows best, huh? And then I gave up trying to figure out the where and went into full panic mode.

I'd not itched at all up until the point i saw those pictures online. So despite still co sleeping with DD#1 and DS i was pretty sure that i was ok, but still was skeeved out. I waited until the clock hit 8:30 and called my best friend who had watched the kids the day previously for my therapy appointment. I let her know I was about to make her day pretty bad and filled her in. She took it in stride and asked if i needed anything. Letting me know a few of her other friends had caught lice a week ago too. Then I waited till the clock hit 8:58. I couldn't wait any longer as I felt full on dread about how I was going to handle this. I called my mom who I knew was getting over a cold. She asked if i was ready for a break from the kids and I told her what was going on and if she could please just pick up some lice treatment from the store and some mayonnaise, as that was what i was reading was best for it. She agreed so graciously and showed up 45 minutes later.

Amidst all of this I had emailed STBX. I was not calm. I was not rational. I was exhausted and felt as if the world was trying to drown me. It didn't help that the night before he'd been emailing me till 1 am. And one of the gems of the night was a list of reasons why I'd never been the perfect wife and he could no longer pretend to love me. My heart and soul had already taken a pretty big hit, and now this. Ok, that's sugar coating it. My heart and soul had taken the final blow that I thought for sure had busted my heart to a million pieces and I'd NEVER be able to find every last piece and put it all back together. And so I asked if there was any way he could get home sooner. I could not humanly deal with all of it on my own. He said there was no way.

I treated the girls' heads with the Nix, and silently spoke that it had to work. All the while fighting back the tears of complete defeat. My heart and soul had been defeated in the wee morning hours realizing that my spouse didn't love me and possibly hadn't for years, and now my body was defeated. I could not manage to pick every last bug, nit and specimen from their heads and get through this. And so I turned on a movie, put DS in his saucer and walked outside. I sat down on the porch and sobbed, these were the moments i'd never wanted to battle on own with a spouse in the military. I thought I'd never be able to breath from the pure panic and terror that these tiny little bugs had put on me. And I called my older sister whose step daughter had survived recurrent lice infestations as a small child as she was being shipped between my sister's home and her mother's home. Thankfully she answered on the first ring, despite going through her own custody/divorce issues at home. And I let loose in complete tears, barely even being able to get a breath out. And she told me to breath. She asked if I wanted to pray with her, i didn't. Praying wouldn't eradicate the lice from my kids at that moment in time, nor would it get rid of the feelings of drowning I had.

And in that moment I realized that despite my years of thinking I was not fearful of any type of death, I'd found my fear. Drowning. It's much how I've felt for years with in the 'sanctity' of my marriage. As if i am being dealt so much stuff that i can't breath, can't move, can't swim, cannot survive. The moment's of panic during this divorce often times make me feel like what I imagine drowning must be. Out in this huge ocean, being pulled by the tide despite the strong muscles you've built in your arms and legs. Trying to kick below the surface, but don't dare move your arms to draw attention to yourself for fear that will just cause you to be sucked under. You're fearful to take in a breath, because the ocean is splashing around you. This is how I feel i live my life lately.

And so she gave me tips and told me I had to ask for help. She's 14 hours away, but would have come if she could of. And i know that. She told me that I had to check myself and with 2 kids and one baby who screamed every moment I put him down, I could not combat it on my own if I wanted to do as much damage control as possible. And so she calmed me down, reminded me how much the women in my family suck at asking for help and I got off with her. I called my best friend who I've known since I use to work outside of the home and asked her how much she loved me. It was in a joking manner, but clearly she heard the panic in my voice because she told me she loved me so much she'd do anything for me. And so i filled her in and asked her if she would mind coming and checking me for lice. And she did. That's what true friends are made of, because I'll be honest. Up until my recent dealings with head lice, i don't know that i ever would have been a big enough person to do the same for my friends and loved ones.

And so, I got through the day. Finally by about 4 pm I had convinced myself by affirmations that this was simply a bug. Back in the dark ages it didn't cause mass hysteria and was dealt with as a matter of fact part of life. Why was I so squeamish and stuck up to be knocked down by bugs? I didn't give it to my kids (I didn't cause it), no matter how much i picked and prodded I couldn't get every last nit nor could I sway STBX to get his ass here (I can't control it) and lice will always be in our world (I can't cure it). And so that's how i ended my day.

A week later I'm much calmer about it. Not 100%, as I'm picking through the girls hair or putting the heat straightening iron to it, I admit  . . . I want EVERY last bug and nit gone. And then I realized . . . this is where the term 'nitpicking' comes from. It's an impossible task. If you begin to nitpick (per dictionary.com - "to be excessively concerned with or critical of inconsequential details") you are taking on a winless battle.

And it smacks me upside the head with another lesson learned. I didn't only learn that lice comes to very clean and OCD people, but by nitpicking STBX about why he is leaving, why the marriage ended and why I'm not good enough . . . I wage a pointless battle. Nothing he ever says will be enough. No excuse, reason, or example will be good enough in my eyes because my children lose the most. I have lived my whole life that every lost cause can be won, every dire situation can be gotten out of, there is no giving up. But, I am learning to realize . . . I have lost this battle. But the 'war' is still out there. And the 'war' isn't about me and STBX and the reality that I feel i failed my spouse and children and love. It's about me. It's about my children.

To want to continue to be loved by someone who has done and said the things they have to me, would be admitting defeat and losing the battle in it's entirety. Everyone deserves healthy love and every child deserves to see it in their parents or close family member's lives, this goes both ways as I realize I've never fully learned how to love another person in a healthy manner. We all are products of our upbringing and i carry  most of the time more heart wounds and issues than the average Joe. I have to learn how to love. I have to learn what healthy love looks like. And I have to learn how to accept healthy love and stop demanding love from the people who aren't capable or are not in a situation to love me as I deserve and as they deserve to give. This tiny battle of lice, wasn't about me feeling abandoned or fearful of bugs. It was about realizing that I've been putting up with crappy love for far too many years, all for the sake of my children. It was realizing that drowning doesn't have to happen. That i can work with the tide, roll over to my back and float with whatever comes my way. I can get back to the beach, I can win the war going on in my own heart and soul that I've tried to divert onto my marriage/relationship for the past 10 and a half years. This is about ME. This is about being the best me and the best mother I possibly can be.

Every day isn't easy. Every day isn't going to be my best. Some will be filled with bug infestations, others with horrible words and sadness and heartache. But the days that matter the most are the days I can just love and accept others' love in return.

It reminds me of Moulin Rouge. This movie has been one of my all time favorites since it came out. Not just due to the acting and singing. But because of the simple statement the entire movie is about. "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" I haven't learned this yet. I've learned how to love others, but I've never in 31 years learned how to love and be loved in return because for the majority of my life I've felt truly unlovable. This is about me. This is about my deep heart wounds and inability to get to the point in my life i want to be. Funny how a small, unlovable bug such as lice gave me such a huge life lesson and reminder.I will learn to love AND accept the love in return. I will stop allowing myself to be ok with giving and never receiving in return. I think this is truly a life lesson and I am thankful (though still not pleased) these little unlovable bugs gave me a wake up call. Though for the record, I'd love a much less blatant life lesson  in the next go round ;)