Tonight was the children's back to school night. STBX was gracious enough to arrive in time to help me get the girls' bathed and dinner ready while my mom came over and watched them. Kids are not allowed at this, except nursing babies. So we packed up DS and headed out. Of course STBX couldn't pass up the moment to throw a sarcastic remark my way and as we walked down to the school he said, "I'll walk a few feet behind so as not to take away from your heels and outfit". Yes, I'd worn heals. And I'd worn a cute short skirt (don't worry fellas I was modest) and a cute tank. I even had my hair and make up done. But I already had an inkling of an idea I'd be the youngest mom there (as usual) and didn't want to feel frumpy on top of judged. I told him not to worry, he couldn't.
And so I sat in a class full of couples and watched all of them interacting. I watched the dad's let the mom's sit, while they stood behind. And I listened to the teacher's info about school. Thankfully this was DD#2's 2nd year of kindergarten (and STBX had headed over with DS to sit in on our 2nd graders class) and I felt relieved that at such a time of change at least DD#2 wouldn't have to worry about failing in first grade where she clearly wasn't at an academic place for yet (DD#2 is only 5 and has an October birthday so we'd had the choice last year to start her or wait, we chose to start knowing we'd possibly be doing a bonus year of kindergarten).
And then we were done. STBX met me and filled me in, I filled him in. There was clear tension between us, though I tried to shrug it off as I realized this was our new norm. Only connecting and having meaningful conversation in regards to the children's health, well-being and education. But I couldn't help but wonder, when will we be able to put aside our hurts and get to the friendship aspect where it no longer pains my heart to be within 100 yards of him? We walked up to the car and I watched a couple only a few years older than us walk to their car. The husband stopped and opened the door for his wife and waited for her to get in with a smile on his face (not a plastered one, but a genuine "we have no kids, that's my wife" smile) and the thought flashed across my mind (thankfully not out of my mouth), "I wasted my precious, amazing, spectacular kids on the wrong man". STBX hadn't done that since we'd dated. And it was yet another reminder of what marriages are suppose to be (don't worry i don't live in la la land where i expect perfection).
Then we drove to Target quickly to pick up a few things and as we drove through our town center we realized it was Thursday night which is when they have a band and everyone congregates with their wine, chairs and meals and visits and listens. And I looked around in amazement. I was shocked at how full the place was, how many couples and people were out. And I thought to myself, "I've stopped living for this man I call my husband".
I can't place my finger on the exact time. Obviously, it was some time after I had my first or maybe even my second child. It was between one crisis or another, as I feel that we have lived life surviving through his crisis'. We use to entertain every weekend. We'd have BBQ's or dinners where our friends would come over and I'd cook and then we'd visit or play games. It was often and we could afford it back then. Add baby 1 into the mix and we managed, me sneaking off to nurse her or rock her, STBX picking up where i'd left off with the entertainment. We use to sneak away for days at the local Six Flags, just us, to go and have some thrills on the rides. Or we'd go to the car shows, every car show in the area and drool over cars together. I use to coach softball, I use to run, I use to work out every day. I use to teach bible school, volunteer in my kids' classrooms and be an active member in our friends lives.
This year i've done none of that. I've not been involved in the community since STBX shipped off for BCT. That was probably the last time I really felt ALIVE. Volunteering in the classroom, going over to our best friends' for BBQ's and dinners, walking the dog daily, taking the girls swimming daily. . . the list goes on. And now, I look back over the last 2 years and I realize . . .I've been living life at a complete standstill. Holding my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop, terrified that if i lived too much it would all end.
Fat lot of good that did me, as it still ended. And I sacrificed amazing times that my children could have experienced due to my fear. I let the silence creep in and forgot that no matter how bad it gets, you keep on living and loving. No matter what, you fill every day with as much joy as you possibly can because otherwise it's one (or many) day/s wasted. I've wasted time in hopes that someone else would wake up and smell the coffee. I've had the ability but blamed it on being too tired. Well, it's better to be happy, living and tired then to be dead.
STBX's depression and lack of desire to live life going full throttle. And so I am the one that will teach my children to keep busy and stay happy. And with this decision comes the reality of what I'm going to do with my life and this divorce.
Neither of us have filed yet. For me it's been a financial thing and I'll be honest. Right now, he's semi decent and at least helping with the kids off an on. And with DS who doesn't sleep more than an hour at a time at night, i'm pretty damn exhausted. Can I file and still be able to allow him full access to the kids (as long as he continues his therapy that he has started) and will he still offer help? Will filing for divorce suck more happiness out of me or will it be the key to starting fresh?
I don't know the answers to these yet, but for the first time in my life I am not jumping in with both feet before looking. Wish i'd done this over 8 years ago when we married. But I can't wish away the past, instead I can make sure and try to make the best emotional decision I possibly can in regards to this. I can look at the outcome for myself and my kids and see what truly is in the best interest of us. And I also have to look deeply inside myself and make sure that I'm not using STBX as a crutch in regards to helping out with the kids. I know that in 9 short months I'll be a 100% single mom as he has been given his deployment dates. And so a piece of me says, "Wait J, you'll be done with him soon enough and on your own completely. You can file then". Because really, all the divorce decree is for is to say, "Hey dumbass, you can go and get remarried again". And while I have hopes of one day finding a mate who is trusting and deserving of my love, I know i'm in no place for that. And a piece of me questions our model of marriage. I'm not sure that we are meant to be with one person for the rest of our lives. I don't even know if i believe in our one man/one woman marriage laws anymore. I'm not ready, I've not done enough work on myself and I absolutely have not fixed the issues that I brought into my own marriage to be anywhere near ready to try again. And a piece of me fears that if i file and am STBX-free I will jump into that dating world again, too soon. And now I have three kids that depend on me for making the right decisions. Before it was just my heart, now it's four hearts and I refuse to end up with a bad guy. I don't want to take my kids down by choosing the wrong person ever again.
Lots of decisions. Most of which I am not ready to make, but I do know that I CAN make the decision right now to live every day full throttle. No more of this standing still crap, that's not how I've ever been meant to live my life and probably explains a lot of the frustrations I've felt as of late. So for now, I am going to start LIVING again.First on the list of living is I want to get my motorcycle license and eventually when I'm financially secure enough, a bike of my own. This girl misses the wind in her hair and the joy of the road to take her thoughts away from her.
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