I'm not perfectly happy . . . but as long as I don't engage with him, I'm ok. But then he puts his nails into me and I find myself feeling heartbroken and sad. And then utterly annoyed.
It started off as simply an instant message regarding finances, since he's made zero progress to fix the financial issues. And then he decides to joke about going on vacation to which I let him know I was no where near being in a good enough place to be stuck in a confined space with him, sharing 'happy' memories without possibly inflicting bodily harm on him. I was only halfway joking. He wants it on his timeline and doesn't seem to care about anyone else. So after that he asked if i was seeing anyone. WTH? Really dude?
You left me, moved out, abandoned your entire family emotionally and financially and then proceeded to become buddy buddy with some female soldier and then lie repeatedly to me about it. You stated you wanted a divorce and that you hated me and couldn't stand to look at me. But then you have the balls to ask if i'm seeing someone? What planet are you living on??? And then when i state No, you ask if i'm sure. Ok dude, really you must be smoking something because 1, I said no truthfully. And 2, when the heck am I going to have ANY time or energy to devote to seeing someone. I am sitting here raising THREE kids on my own. One of which is an extremely active, high needs, demanding 13 month old toddling boy who doesn't sleep through the night and nurses at least a dozen times a night. Yeah, i have time for a relationship or even dating right now dude. I wouldn't have the time to put make up on to cover the bags under my eyes or the energy to engage with someone who thinks they want to date me. And in all honesty, I don't trust men at ALL right now. Not a chance in hell am I giving anyone an opening into my heart when it's so severely smashed, broken and used. I have nothing to offer anyone right now and I'm perfectly content healing and taking my time, i'm in zero rush to 'date' or be with someone right now.
And then I get slapped with sadness. That SSS stage I talked about previously. And I want to hurt him or make him feel the way I do. But then I remind myself it cures nothing, it helps nothing and it surely wont heal me. So I withdraw into this sadness, where I want to cry all day. I want to mourn, but when? How? With 3 sets of little eyes constantly watching me, I don't have the time or space to mourn, to scream, to shout, to cry or to sob. I don't get to lose control or set aside my responsibilities. Instead I get to watch him cry on the skype as he's talking to his children. He gets to sit there and turn red and cry and try to hide it from the kids, but I catch it. And part of me thinks it's a manipulation ploy, "Poor me" and the other parts thinks he realizes what he's gotten himself into. And then I am reminded by what a very selfish person I married. It's ALL about him. He only cares about how he feels being alone, how he feels being away from his kids, by realizing that i'll be with someone else and all of this is a reaction to how HE feels. None of the remorse or sadness or despair hit at the realization that he was tearing apart his family, that he was putting his kids in divorced homes, that he was ripping apart his kids hearts by doing this.
And that's when I want to tell him to leave me the hell alone. I want to scream it to the rooftops that I DONT need him, i DONT want him and i sure as hell don't want to see him ever again. If it weren't for the three beautiful babies left in the wake of this mess, I'd walk away and never, ever look back. He is the biggest waste of my time, he is the most selfish person i've ever met and I am much better off with out him. Instead I have to figure out how to weigh the balance and make sure the kids have their dad and it makes my heart break. I can't walk away, I can't ignore him, I can't shut him up with words that will strike his heart. I am sad because what is best for ME, is not best for my babies. I can't wipe him out of existence in my heart and mind, because every time I look at them I see parts of him. And that's when I want to lose it. I can't wipe him out of THEIR lives, he gets what he wants. He gets his kids, bucks the 'controlling whacked wife' and moves on with his life. Me, i lose everything. Eventually I'll lose half the week spending time with the most important people in my life. I have lost my marriage. I have lost part of my soul in all of this, and yes, I'm a fighter and i'll find it again. But it's one slow, heartwrenching process. And in the meantime I get to blurb it out here and then every other week in my therapists office. Which is the only time I'm without kids. He has no clue what he's done and he never will.
Because tomorrow I will stop feeling sorry for myself, stop being such a pansy and put on my big girl panties and walk with my head held high and being the person I promised myself and him I'd be when I married him. I can still be that woman, it just hurts like hell some days.
1 comment:
What helped me... I developed a new mantra. "They are only doing the BEST they know how". Sad it's far from where we need them to be, but it's the best they know how.
He can only do so much. He only has the capacity to process at that level, to engage at that level. While it's very annoying, frustrating, and painful it's the best he knows how. Feel sorry for him; feel sad he cannot mature past where he is, that he is emotionally immature and may never be able to rise above where he is. When I found pity it replaced a lot of anger.
Hang in there... ((HUGS))
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