In my moment's of silence is when I seem to be doing the most work with my grieving and healing. Not so sure I'm getting very far with healing, but eventually I'll get there. This week I've been rather quiet, trying to focus on other things or just getting through the week. Maybe it's denial or maybe it's just the overwhelming moments of feeling like a 5 year old who wants to scream to the rooftops that this isn't fair.
This week my 7 year old has been constantly asking why STBX doesn't love me anymore. I guess his reasoning for the divorce to his 7 year old was that he no longer loved me. And so she got the idea in her head that if she could just make us fall in love again, life would return to normal. My heart aches for her and I try with all my might to let her know that she is a kid, she doesn't have to fix this and her feelings are ok but Mommy and Daddy are the adults and some things in life can't be fixed. She still continues to write little pictures with hearts with J + B in the middle of them. Everytime she see's her dad she tells him she wishes he would learn how to love mommy again. And all the while, I'm muting my heart that screams, "BUT I DO LOVE HIM".
Which then only makes me feel pathetic. But to be clear to myself I have to acknowledge I do NOT nor will i ever love the way he treated me. I DO not love the actions of someone running away from the problems and placing the majority of the issues on the party they left. But I do love the ability in a person to change. I do love that i did love him with all my heart and that deep down I know that once he heals himself he will be a good man and great father again. Those are the hardest things to let go of, the hope and the knowledge that had help come sooner to STBX things could have been different.
But then I'm reminded. I didn't cause this. STBX is in therapy finally and the diagnoses is not an easy fix. I cannot control it. STBX is the only one that can ever heal himself and he has the option to do so or not. I cannot cure it. No matter what happens in the months and years to come, I know that I will never, ever trust STBX and the love I feel will always be colored by these months and how someone was able to not just walk away from me, but our children and the family we had worked so hard to create and nurture.
That is the hardest part of this. The work I have to put in to not try to control or cure the situation is overwhelming to me. Surrendering is not an easy task for me by nature. And I suck at it. So when he comes to visit the kids and he's on his phone texting who knows, I have to walk away and do something else. When he gives the kids lame excuses as to why he can't stay here or why he's away, I have to forcefully put my mind in another place and tell myself to STOP caring.
Today I wonder, when will i stop caring? When will the pain from all of this stop taking my breath away in moments of sudden attack? When will I be able to look at him and think or even say, "I forgive you and I release you"? That is what I want the most. I want to be past all this hard work and mourning. Normally I'm one who doesn't like to take the easy road, but it's awful tempting right now. I even contemplated for half a minute joining the military as active duty and saying screw it all. But I think that's the angry side of me that is coming out again.
I'm angry that I sacrificed my career goals and dreams while he was able to follow his. And now I am the one who has to find a job that doesn't pay well and work my tail off to support my kids because he cannot do so. Ok, I'm not completely angry. But just annoyed. If i had my career dreams of being a midwife right now, I could move, would be financially secure and not be perpetually waiting for the next shoe to drop. But then i look at my three beautiful children and realize, I cannot leave them right now amidst all of this and I wont. This is my career right now and I'll be damned if i do it wrong or hurt my children further. Life is full of choices, right now I have to make the choice to pull myself up by my bootstraps and stop feeling sorry for myself. I have to move on from this, just not quite sure how. I need to forgive and stop caring for someone who hurt me so deeply because I deserve it and so do my children.
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