So I was reading through a few of my friends' blogs and saw one friend was following a certain blog called 'Single Dad Laughing'. I don't know what normal blogging etiquette is, but I'm linking it because I found some really great reads over the last few hours, some of which i couldn't really soak in due to ds's wakings and difficulty going to sleep tonight.
But as I was rocking DS to sleep after reading a few of this guy's blogs, it hit me like a ton of bricks. There is another way to go about this. I've despised the weepy, mopey, 'woe is me' person I've become since the realization of divorce has come up. I don't do that person well and don't really like her that much. I've had the majority of days where I'm faking it till I make it. But why? Why do i have to fake happiness when I have SO much to be thankful for right under this very roof?
I am the one who gets to rock our perfectly formed son to sleep every night without having to share him with STBX. I am the one who watched him go from walking to running to falling for the first time. I am the one who gets to see the bond between him and his 2 sisters that is growing and becoming this amazing Trifecta of love, beauty and brains that are my children. I get to watch my brilliant 7 year old read at a 4th-5th grade level and my 5 year old dance until we all are giggling to death. I get the constant smooches, the constant hugs and the constant, "Mommy, I LOVE you's". I get all of it. I am so undoubtedly blessed that why I choose to get stuck on feeling sorry for myself in letting go of an unhealthy marriage/relationship and someone who treated me poorly for our entire relationship is rather . . .well, I'll say it SELFISH! The irony is striking me upside the head and knocking me into a corner of relief.
He can be their father. He can be a part of their life, and yes it will take some work and sacrifice on my part. But is it really sacrifice when in the end it results in the best interest of my children? I don't think so. My only job on earth that I truly care about is that as a mother. And so, to do what I need to do to make sure my children are happy, well rounded, attached and secure children is to suck it up buttercup and realize that he's a part of their lives and the fact that I no longer am bound to him by marriage is quite frankly, a blessing in disguise. I don't have to go about this divorce with my panties in a bundle. I don't have to be angry. I don't have to even be sad. This is a new beginning for me. For years I've been so miserable and unhappy with in the marriage that I've just silently prayed for the day it will be over so that I can focus on myself and my children and be the mother I know i am and that they deserve. . .Well Nell, here's your chance sugar!!
This is not the end of me. This is not the end of my story. Maybe I'll find love again, maybe I won't. And that's OK. Because I've been blessed with realizing my life's work is my children and myself. One day I'll also add a home birth midwife to that calling, but for right now at this very moment in time . . . It's me and my three perfectly amazing children. This is what it's about. For years I cried out for an answer, and finally I got it. Now's not the time to think the grass is greener. Now is the time to make my life and my children's lives greener. There will be no need to fake it. The sadness only stays as long as I let it eat away at me and let it tarnish the true happiness and beauty I have in my life. Every day brings new hope, love and the ability to find contentment. I just have to find it and keep ahold of it. I can keep laughing like that single dad. Or in my case, I will keep loving. I'm good at loving. I was made to love. My friends, my family, my children and myself. So this is my time. It's my time to be a single mom loving.
2 comments:
I found a lot of refuge and hope in my children. They became my focus and my cornerstone. Not to say there wasn't still grief, and tears, and anger... but when I felt those things and appreciated that I had them and that's something that no one could ever take from me. Keep the focus on the positives and who you will become in the midst of this. You are doing great!
Wonderful attitude! Doesn't it feel great when that realization suddenly hits? :) Making that shift in my world view was a lifesaver for me. (((hugs)))
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