Scratch that dream

Today started pretty normal, around 8 I took an OPK as per my usual since i'd already been up since 6 am. It came up positive the minute the urine hit it, the digital blaring positive as well. And so I called the clinic around 9 when they opened and was given the run around. Our doctor was on vacation and they didn't have any of the midwives on call this weekend, I started to panic. I had a perfect cycle last month and this month was following exactly the same. I knew this was the month for my IPs. The nurse called me back to let me know she'd put a call into the on call doctor to see if he could stop by the office tomorrow to do an IUI and that she'd call me back. I called IF and let him know the good news.

And that's when my day took a nose dive. I finally got a call back a few hours later from the nurse letting me know that the on call doctor was the only on call OB for the three local hospitals labor and delivery with zero midwives to back him up. I thought to myself how glad I was that i didn't live there and wasn't going into labor this weekend. She said they could schedule an appointment for monday first thing in the morning and I set the appointment. I called STBX and asked if he could take the morning off to watch the kids so I could hit IUIs, though I knew it would be past my 36 hour window and prayed that maybe i'd be lucky enough to double ovulate (which seems to happen more and more as I pass more months in my 30's). He called back and said he could but that he didn't support the surrogacy, never would, would tell my IPs what a horrible person I really was and that he would pursue half of my compensation in divorce court since he had signed the contract too.

And so I spent the next few hours panicking and thinking a lot about what was best for my IPs in all of this. And then I realized, I could not go forward. IPs are faced with enough stress, drama and heartbreak of infertility without adding a surrogates exhusband who felt entitled to make it miserable for everyone. I wasn't for a second worried that anything he said would make my IP's feel any differently about me, we truly have become friends. But, they don't deserve to have to put up with the BS that STBX threatened to put them through. They deserved a surrogate who was drama free, either single or with a supportive husband. They didn't deserve to be dragged down into this muck and mire that STBX is hell bound and determined to make of our own lives.

And with heavy heart I called IF. I let him know that STBX had decided he was not going to sway on divorce and that he had expressed that he did not support it and would not support me through a pregnancy. I let him know how much i adored them, but I could not put their child in the midst of this drama. I could tell he was heartbroken but I told him I'd be emailing IM what was going on and some alternatives that I thought could possibly help them to achieving their goal towards parenthood as that was still something I wanted for them.

And then I hung up and cried. I don't do surrogacy for the money. I do it for the connection that comes from surrogacy. I do it because if I were ever in their shoes, I'd hope I'd find someone who would do it for me and do it honestly and lovingly. I do it because I believe that this world is a better place when we give of ourselves what we can and help the world be better. This is yet another dream that I have had to lay to rest thanks to STBX. I'm a bit bitter tonight. Tomorrow I wont be. Tomorrow I'll know this was the best decision for my IPs, but tonight it hurts because I didn't just have IPs in this match. I had an amazing friendship where we felt at such ease with each other it was as if we'd known each other for decades. I didn't need a do over, but I knew this would be the match that is what surrogacy is all about. And now I am forced to lay my surrogacy hat into the pile of hats that doesn't get worn anymore, because that is what is best for the IPs I know and love. It hurts, it's sad, it's enraging that someone cares so little about others, all he thinks about is himself. And I pray my IPs find their surrogate and move forward and are blessed with their child in the next year, I pray they aren't failed again by their next surrogate. World knows I wanted to be able to help them, they are amazing people.