Screw it

I'm clearly computer dumb because I can't figure out how to change this to private and invite y'all, so screw it. I know there's a mole who is feeding stuff to the ex, but I just don't care at this point. This is my safe place, this is the place where I express it all. So I just wont use names.

Court went well, or so I thought. The ex called the night before and begged me not to bring out the gay stuff to the courts (which shocked me because quite honestly, he should have been more concerned with his suicidal threats via text and phone) but I wasn't going to be rude. He agreed to sign off to me getting full legal and physical custody with visitation at my home and to pay me $64 less than what I was asking. So I asked him to type it up and bring it before court the next day, he did, we signed it off submitted it to the judge and had our agreement.

We had 2 visitations and then on the 3rd it all combusted, of course. The ex was a complete jerk and took a phone call from his girlfriend and didn't realize his cell phone settings where so loud I could hear her talking to him across the house. I politely asked him to not take phone calls from her in my home and reminded him he only got 12 hours a week with the kids. He got pissed and 2 hours later it all exploded and he threatened to take me back to court. You know, i just don't get it. The wound is huge, gaping huge. I found out my husband was sleeping with men unprotected from craigslist, trolling for numerous boyfriends and sex partners (both male and female) for months while coming home and sleeping with me and promising me our family was good and intact and find all of this out only for him to threaten suicide and go off the radar for 14 days. . . to telling me he found the woman he had been searching for his entire life and that his dad had told him 'you shit in your nest, you sit in it' and that was the only reason he stayed with me. You really do not have to make it any worse buddy, seriously, the worst thing i ever could have imagined has become a living, walking nightmare called my reality. Thank the lord both myself and my son are STD free . . . but really. STOP making it worse please!

And since then the battle has ensued. I can only think that he views our children as pawns in this huge game of chess. While i sit here willingly and openly sacrificing my Queen, just to protect my children who are SO more than mere pawns to me. I would die for my children if it meant they had a better life. I would put myself in front of a train, a dog, an attacker, my ex husband . . . all if it meant they could be shielded from pain, hurt, death ... you name it. And the frustration I feel comes from the fact that I am matched with an opponent who doesn't realize that we are dealing with human life. With innocent victims of his wayward life which he clearly has no care for.

For example. After 3 days of fighting over how he has broken the court signed agreement in EVERY way i told him he needs to start being truthful for me to trust him with the health of our children. I also offered that he come tonight and stay in the spare bedroom and start getting reacquainted with the night time routine so that eventually in a year he could have them overnight. What did he do? Refused. FLAT out refused and said he was afraid I'd call the cops on him. Hello idiot, you are still legally on the lease and there is nothing to keep you from being here unless you put bruises on me. Yes, i know, those of you who know the full story of the ex'es abuse probably think i'm batyouknowwhat crazy for offering this. But a part of me had to see it with my own eyes, I had to see this man that i thought was an amazing father, be offered the opportunity to have time with his kids, to see the excitement in their eyes when the kids woke up and realized he was there, and the bonding him and my insomniac son would get through the night. . .turn it down flat because it didn't meet his needs. And he did. He refused. He even went so far as to term it as 'babysitting R'.

And at every moment when i think i'm at my breaking point and cannot literally put one foot in front of the other (whether it be from heartbreak or getting no more than 3 hours of combined sleep due to my son's health issues) I am once again shown who this man really is. I am reminded that I am the sole provider and I am the only one that truly cares about the well being, safety and care of these 3 amazing souls God has entrusted to me. The man (or boy i should say) hasn't had more than 9 hours of time with his kids in 6 weeks time . . . and given the opportunity to spend a night and full day with them in our home, he turned it down. I don't understand it. Not hell or war or sickness would keep me from my kids, especially not after only seeing them for a few short hours during 6 weeks time.

I am realizing that through all these years, I've been the mother I always wanted and I have been the rock in my children's foundation. And no matter how much i hurt, how many stones he throws at me . . . I will continue to be so. It's hard, it sucks, it hurts and at times i wont lie, I want to give up and just make all of this go away. But i CANT. There are 3 little innocent souls who depend on my every decision. They react and grow to whatever I am putting out there. THEIR future, THEIR existence, THEIR safety and THEIR future choices all depend on how I react to this time in their life. I never before in my life have fully understood or grasped how serious a mother's role is until now. My children need me, my children depend on me, my children will be OK because i choose to fight this and not allow another human beings weaknesses and torment take me down. I have to be ok. I have to survive this, despite how much i hurt and just want to lay down and cry and ask for someone else to fix me. I can't and i realize that i wouldn't have it any other way. One day i'll be ok. One day i'll be able to fully grasp the emotional and primal wounds that I have taken on over the past 11 years. But for right now, I'm just surviving. Its truly all i can do at this point.