Silence

After 11 years of spending time with the same man, I am finding that the silence between us has grown to a place of no return. The anger, the sadness, the distrust, the fear . . . it's all still there. But right now, silence is my greatest refuge because when I don't respond or engage, he can't hurt me.

I find myself going back in time, mulling over memories from the past 11 years. Most are painful right now, but I believe it's my hearts way of silently healing. These are memories that no one else can see, hear or remember. Some are good, some are bad . . . but they are my memories and nothing the ex says can mar them. I know what we've been through, I know what we shared and most of them seem minimal now that I think I know who he really is. Every time he comes by to see the kids, I realize more and more . . . I spent 11 years with a stranger. And I find myself asking how is that possible?

How did I give all of my heart, my love, my life, my passion, my secrets, myself to someone that now is a complete stranger to me? I look in his eyes and he is cold and defensive. I look at his face and I wonder what parts of it did i ever love? I watch him with our children and wonder how I let 8.5 years of parenthood go by never seeing how detached and lost he was as a father. I question myself and how I allowed myself to stay for so long because all it did was hurt me and eventually my children more in the long run.

And I feel pain and hurt. I see him and all my heart feels anymore is overwhelming pain and sadness. I pray this stage passes quickly as I hate being a Debbie Downer and I can't stand having a pity party for myself. But it is what it is, and this is what my heart is feeling right now. I wonder how someone can do the things he's done, how he can treat the mother of his children this way, how he can