Sorry, but sometimes my frustrations cannot just lay dormant in my mind and heart. Tonight is one of those nights. I cannot listen, read or hear anymore the stupid lies that come at me from every direction!
I'm a single mom, 100% single mom. I don't get to drop the kids off at their fathers every weekend or even leave my home when he is here to visit with the children. I wouldn't change that either, so hear that I am not complaining. Instead I'm just stating what I go through because I cannot tell HIM and even if i did, he wouldn't listen.
I am the sole care provider of our children. I am the one that wakes up at 5-6 am with our children, who usually don't want to be woken up but our sweet and inquisitive son wants to get up with the world and explore. I am the one that directs them through the day, starting from breakfast, to getting clothes on and getting lunches ready for school. I drop off our kids at school, play with our kids and meet their every need. I do so willingly, full of love and appreciative that I get to spend each moment with them. I meet them after school with open arms, asking how their day went. When i am met with tears and frustrations, I put aside my own frustrations of the day and I hear what our kids are saying. To hear our 8 year old say that she was bullied and spit in the face of yet again by another schoolmate, brings innate anger and frustration, but instead I hear her out. I listen to what she has to say. I validate her feelings and help her to come up with a plan to navigate the waters of this age where bullying and fear and sadness seem to be her constant companions because her daddy left her. And then I am the mom at the school office, holding a fussing 20 month old while discussing the issues with the principal making sure that our daughter is protected and safe in the learning environment she loves so much.
I am the one who hears her 6 year old express anger and distrust in others because her daddy left her. I am the one who lets her say what she must and express these very adult emotions and helps her navigate these adult emotions in a way that is safe for a 6 year old. I do not sway her opinion, i do not even weigh in on the fact that I have my own clear cut opinions on her father. Instead I let her work her way from the frustration, to anger, to sadness to needing a hero in her father; all the while PRAYING that one day he wakes up and is able to be that hero that she needs. And then I am the one meeting with the kindergarten teacher at the end of the day discussing with her teacher a way to help her express her emotions in a more healthy and less abusive manner.
I am the one here scheduling multiple doctors appointments, screenings and in home meetings with the autism specialist for our 20 month old son. I am the one making multiple calls, faxing numerous medical records, keeping track of our sons daily highs and lows and then reporting them all to the needed people. I am the one scrubbing the house down at 9 pm to make sure our home that YOU put us into, is clean and presentable for the in home screening appointments with these public agencies who actually have a shot at giving our son aide and help towards a functioning and normal life. I am the one waking up every 45 minutes to our sons screaming and needs, to soothe and love, to tell 'sshhh ssshhh its ok, go to sleep' while you are who knows where. I am the one who has to face the specialists that tell us that autism children always exhibit signs of sensory integration, but children with sensory integration don't always have autism . . . while praying our son only has sensory integration. I am the one that has tried multiple medications, only to realize our son's insomnia is far more serious than a simple medication can cure. I am the one, who deals with all of this without even a single email, call or text asking even once in 6 weeks how the children are doing.
I am also the one left in a home i cannot afford, looking for a place to move with a crappy credit history that you have left me. I am the one left trying to figure out how i'm going to make it all work. I am the one trying to figure out how to be enough for our kids EVERY needs while you yell at me over the phone how all you want is to "SEE MY KIDS AND I DONT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE". I am glad all you care about is seeing your kids, but i care about far more than that.
I care about my kids well being. I care about my children's safety in the care of a man who only 6 short weeks ago threatened suicide via text and phone. I care about who is going to teach my son about healthy sexual relationships when the time comes when clearly you don't know what that means. I care about the safety of my girls' at night, when you cannot even admit that you have a clear cut sexual predator past. I care about our children being made to feel like pawns in a war that you have engaged. I care about my son feeling that he is safe and his routine will not be messed with when daily you threaten me with fighting to have them all in your home whenever you want. I care about my children being able to look at their father as their hero, when all they say is how sad they are that daddy left them. I care about my children having a safe place aside from me, should God forbid something ever happen to me. I care about the salvation of my children's souls, when you have made it clear that you don't care about any of our souls. I care about my girls' falling in love with a man who treats them the way you treated their mother. I care about my son one day treating a woman the way you treated me. I care about my children being at higher risk for stds, drug and alcohol abuse and addictions, and teen pregnancy because of the type of home they are coming from. I care about YOU being able to let go of your anger at being busted for the VERY wrong things you did so that we can learn to coparent and peacefully communicate so that one day our children as teens don't put us against each other and put themselves in harms way. I care about me. I care about never again letting myself be hurt by you at the risk of my own children's wellbeing and safety. I care about so much more than this stupid divorce and sadly, he will never see it.
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