But aren't you scared?

This week is 'Birthday Week' in my house. My girls are two years and five days apart. October is my absolute favorite month, Fall is my favorite season, and this week full of my two favorite girls' birthdays is my favorite week of the year. We wrapped up our week of celebration with their double birthday party which was today.

At the party I was asked, "But aren't you scared?" from one of the mom's at the party after she realized I was divorced. The question took me by complete surprise to be honest. I simply looked at her and said, "No, I'm happy", which is the God's honest truth and as I looked at my two girls' thrilled and playing, and my son running around with a grin on his face I knew I was being truthful and authentic.

How do you tell a complete stranger that life after divorcing the type of man I was married to is full of anything but fear. How do you tell her that after years of being so scared in your marriage that you could barely breath, could barely think, that you became someone you were never meant to be life now is anything but that.

The fear that I lived for 9 years seems unbelievable even to me some days when I think about it. I look back at the person I was and barely recognize her. I was trapped with in my marriage by fear, fear of him and fear of leaving him. I made decisions in fear. I parented in fear. I protected myself and my children as best I could, but did so in fear. I loved my husband, but I feared him. I feared who would walk in the door, I feared which side would come out that day, I feared him leaving me, I feared his next moment of rage that would end up leaving me with bruises, I feared more affairs, I feared ending up with HIV from him, I lived so many moments in fear that I was trapped within a house built of bricks that was mortared with fear.

And then I escaped. It didn't feel like escape, it felt like complete and utter abandonment from the only man I'd ever loved. One slow moment at a time, I crawled and fought and then sunk and then crawled again out of the desperation. Slowly, ever so slowly I lifted my head and looked at the ground. I started to breath normally, I started sleeping and eating. I began to walk, cowering my head so fearful to look up and afraid of what I'd see in front of me, scared the journey would be too much and I'd fail. And then I started running, literally, at first to make my mind stop missing the man who had previously held me hostage to fear and to get back my body. As time went on I realized, I no longer was scared. I was running with my head held high, my eyes soaking in the beauty of life around me. I was sleeping, I was no longer anxious, I felt safe and surprisingly  . . . free.

I was no longer escaping, I was living. I was making a life for myself, for my children. I am now happy and contented with my life and where it is. I am following MY dreams, dreams that my ex tried to squash and demean every chance he got. My children are thriving and happier than I have ever seen them in their entire lives. Our lives have come full circle in one short year in so many surprising ways, that at times I look around with amazement that this life is one that I love and I understand what happiness feels like for the first time in my life. The peace, the joy, the happiness is so polar opposite what we had lived for so many years that it is quite shocking to hear someone ask me, "But aren't you scared?" because it reminds me that once upon a time, I was frozen by fear.

Life is not perfect, we have had our ups and downs and moments of not knowing what will happen or where we will be at the end of any given month. At times I find myself sad and remembering the moments that hurt the most and so I take the time to accept the feelings and mourn. And then I pick myself back up and realize that my faith has grown, my love for myself has grown, my love for my children is completely for them, and that we are all so much better off that there really is nothing in our lives to be scared of.

Life is good, I made the right choice. And I am so thankful to be able to say that I do not fear having come to this place in my life. And I will never again allow another person to cause me to live in fear.