That's not fair!

"J, that's not fair!", was the response I got a few months back from the ex in regards to me possibly doing another surrogacy. Clearly, it has taken awhile to work it's way up to the surface and today was a rare day with no children and as I was running errands and trying to fit everything in, it came up in my mind.

Not fair. This is a term I would expect to hear in complaint from my 7 or 9 year olds, and often do in regards to dishes, or laundry or various other chores. But coming from the mouth of a 35 year old man, who is suppose to functioning member of society, who has had his fair share of 'unfairness' dealt to him, is mind boggling to me.

We had signed an agreement releasing him from any rights to any gifts, compensation or items that could possibly come from me entering a surrogacy contract. The same agreement also had my ex agreeing he would not bring any legal issues, try to lower my child support and so on. It was basically a 'safety' for me in case he decided to get as money hungry as he had with my last surrogacy (where he flew through the money and then years later told everyone he had no clue where I had spent it, when over half of it had gone directly to support moving his mother into our home as she received less than $300 a month in benefits). Regardless the ex had known it was something I was going to do. He'd been fully supportive a year previously when I was matched and actively cycling to get pregnant, ironic since he was fully enmeshed in an affair at that point. Not once did i hear how unfair it was for me to do a surrogacy then or in 2009 with my previous surrogacy.

But I know what it is, and the rest of our conversation showed what truly was bothering him. My ex continued to yell at me about how unfair it was that I was getting over $35,000 a year tax free money in child support for nothing (not true, alimony is not tax free and is included in that 'estimate' of his and I'd love to see him raise three children, one of which is special needs 95% on his own and say it's doing nothing) and then that I wanted to be greedy and get $40,000 tax free for a surrogacy (another half truth as that is not what my compensation amount is and I pay taxes on it). He was irate and exploded into the injustice of the situation that I would be making more money than him according to his math. Wonder how he will really react once he realizes I'm halfway through that surrogacy pregnancy already?

I stored that lovely little conversation into my head and shrugged my shoulders and obviously moved on with life. I stopped letting him control my decisions over a year ago, and so I went forward with surrogacy. But today the irony of the conversation struck me as I looked around at happy families, holding hands, out and about shopping as I returned some clothes that didn't fit the girls. I watched as little kids threw balls on the floor and parents sighed in frustration, as brothers beat each other up and sisters fought quietly in the store aisles. And I thought for two seconds, "You know what's not fair? What's not fair is that my family is split, my kids are not with me today and i desperately miss them and was up till 2 am sobbing into my pillow concerned for their safety and because I had finally hit the WHY stage and wishing I would wake up tomorrow and it all have been an awful nightmare and I could roll over into the arms of my supportive, loving, faithful and sane husband".

I've done pretty good not having a pity party, though the moments have come and gone briefly I try to walk past them. I've done a heck of a job taking accountability and acknowledging the decisions I made that got me where I am today. I have stood up to my ex, the courts and anyone who has dared to try to manipulate me or my children. I have refused to be a victim. I have fought the good fight, I have remained faithful to my God and I have worked hard at not being bitter, resentful or to let the pity parties of questioning WHY this had to happen take over my life. At least that was until last night. And then the walls came tumbling down.

My therapist this week told me not to get on the train of the what ifs, whys or bitterness. But i think it's a train I had to ride and is a part of my grief process. I am extremely justice oriented, I abide by the rules and I do unto others as I would have done unto me. And so the last few weeks, it has all hit me that this is the life I now live as I watch the ex live his life happy, living off another woman and without any remorse or ability to realize how much damage he is doing to our children. Recent issues with CPS being called on my ex by the school due to alarming things my 9 year old is sharing has caused me to go into protect mode all over again on top of this. My babies are not safe. My babies do not feel safe. My 9 year old no longer wants to spend the night at her fathers house (which ends up only being once a month) and my 7 year old no longer wants to tell the truth because her father has scared her straight that if she says a single bad thing about him, he will be taken away from her never to be seen again. My 2 year old no longer sleeps at night, his anxiety is back and he comes home from visitation a mess that no 2 year old should ever have to be. My children are NOT alright. And yet, my ex has the gall to say, "That's not fair!" to me?

What's not fair is having an ex-husband that you loved to pieces, incapable of emotions, empathy or fit parenting who is perpetually hurting, neglecting and scaring your children. Your children who adore and love and want their father so desperately in their lives, that they cannot comprehend they must be protected from him. What's not fair is that every child should have a healthy father, and my children do not. What's not fair is my 7 year old asking me to please start dating so i can hurry up and find a good dad for her who plays with her, protects her and is always there for her. What's not fair is the pain I see in their eyes and the fear they try to hard to hide. What's not fair is this man who calls himself a father would dare to judge my desire to help another family out to better provide for our own children when he has never done a single positive thing for our children in his life.

Irony, the mother of all you know whats. I suppose one day, i'll stop being surprised at the things that come out of that man's mouth. But for now, I just have to learn to let go and let God. Yesterday i questioned, today I pray and give it up to my God as He is the only one who can do anything with it all. I pray daily for my children's safety and protection, I pray for the wisdom and strength to do the right thing and I believe that no matter how unfair life is, I will not stop doing the right thing. I never expected life to be fair or easy, maybe that's the simple benefit i have in all of this. I accept how unfair it is, I had 2 days of mourning over it. But this evening my head is raised, my heart is prepared and I am ready to take on whatever will come my way because my babies deserve the very best in life. It is a big reminder that, this too shall pass. And hopefully I've worked through the questioning stage and am slowly but surely able to accept what my life has become.