Dealing with a child

Often times it is very easy to forget what I am dealing with and to fall into a pity party mode. I won't lie, at times I question a lot of things. Other times the injustice of the situation (and of the world) bother me to no end, causing me to toss and turn at night. I wonder why someone can act this way, get away with it all and never ever feel a moment's remorse or sadness over how they have treated their partner of 11 years and three small children. If I'm not careful I can get stuck in that thinking and it easily can eat one up and cause a sadness that overwhelms you and makes you wonder about fairness. But, we all know there is no fairness in life. And when I get to that place, I remind myself that it could always be worse. Does it help? No. But at least it helps me pick myself up from the injustice of it all, dust myself off and walk away from that negative way of thinking.

And then there are moments like today where you get hit between the eyes with a reminder that makes you say, "Oh yeah! I'm dealing with a child" almost literally. People with BPD, sociopath issues and Narcissism are said to be stuck at a very early child's developmental stage. I use to always think that I was truly parenting my ex, but just assumed everyone felt that way about their husbands. A lot of women complain about it, so really it isn't that unique of an issue. But this is deeper than just picking up your spouse's laundry because he always puts it on the floor next to the hamper, or reminding him of important appointments or bills to be paid. For me, it was an all encompassing task that felt as if he sucked more energy out of me than raising our children did. His emotional responses to things were that of a 11 year old about to hit puberty: rages or complete shut down. When things didn't go his way, he'd look both ways and see how far he could break or bend the rules without getting caught. If busted, he'd profess an apology and make excuses but never take any accountability. Complete and utter lack of impulse control. When life dealt him lemons, he'd chuck them back at you or kick and stomp until something better was given to him. If nothing was, he'd move on and find something better through manipulation and lies. All of this done with zero empathy, compassion or remorse. He acts exactly the same about his treatment of me and the kids. If the world does not revolve around him, he'll do his level best to tip the scales so he is the center of attention. Life is all about him, him, him.

Today, my oldest was very excited to get on the phone to talk to her dad which is a rare thing. They chatted on speakerphone as I drove home from our celebratory dinner at Olive Garden. My oldest answered his short little questions and he asked how her day was and she proceeded to fill him in our her amazing day at the local apple farms with loads of kids activities, pony rides, pumpkin patches and more (it's the kick off to what I call birthdaypalooza as both girls bdays are within the next 2 weeks). Every few minutes he would say, "Awesome" or "Cool" and it struck me how completely emotionless he was. He was answering with standard responses and barely paying attention. My heart sunk for my daughter and I prayed she didn't notice his lack of involvement in the conversation. About halfway through he interrupts her after she states she had the best night and day ever and says how he would have taken her to the fall festival last night too if he'd had them (it was at their school and another fun activity we did this weekend). I was glad it was dark because I'm pretty sure I rolled my eyes. He then changed the subject and went into how he had a PT test at drill this weekend and did really great at it and then taught 2 classes to all the other soldiers. I think my daughter was stunned into silence because she didn't say much, but I could tell she was upset that she couldn't finish talking about her weekend. I was flabbergasted as I listened to a 35 year old man try to steal the spotlight from his 8 year old daughter and search for some form of praise from her when all she wanted to do was bond with him over what fun she was having.

We got onto the freeway and couldn't hear the rest of the conversation until we pulled into our parking spot, I could hear the let down in my daughter's voice as she said she was going to go now and didn't really want to talk anymore. She asked him why he sounded sad and if she had upset him (the beginning of the convo he was very upbeat and pretending to be excited about talking to her, by the end he sounded like a deflated child). I could hear how defeated she was and my heart broke for her. She unbuckled after the truck was turned off and handed me the phone after hanging up, I waited for her to say something and unloaded everything and my son. Her and my middle daughter spoke for a minute and then we started walking up to the house and my oldest burst into tears.

"Mommy, I could hear panting. Daddy said he was at drill, so why could i hear a dog? Mommy, I miss K (our dog's name that my ex took and gave away, to who we have no idea) and I really, really want to see him. I bet daddy was with him and hearing him made me so sad. Daddy says every time i get upset that we can see K any time, but then when i ask at every visit with dad he says no because we don't have time. Mommy, that's a lie. Why doesn't daddy want me to see K? He was our dog and we trained him and took care of him when dad was gone and when he left us". Deep breath from me as I kept walking to the house, trying to figure out a response to my distraught daughter.

I honestly don't know if my daughter was upset over the dog, or if it was the fact she is starting to see her father turn every single conversation between them about him. He is an emotional leech, and he will suck it out of anyone he can including his children. It's such a huge task for a small child, one that she should never have to be up against. And it reminded me . . . he is stuck at a child's emotional stage. All his outbursts, all his lies, his manipulation, his need for attention and glory and the high of his sexual issues .  .   . all are no different than a child who has never progressed to the stage of an adult who has learned how to cope, manage and maintain a healthy emotional life. And it reminded me that my prayer during all this is that I am able to find the tools, practice and help to raise my children so that they are not scarred so deeply by all of this that they also end up stunted emotionally. I see such great leaps and bounds in my childrens' development emotionally and mentally in the short 10 months since he moved out, that I know it's best for them that he's not here anymore. I hope i'm able to continue supporting them through this journey and that one day they all reach adulthood happy, healthy and whole never ever having to know the emotional complexities of a severely damaged person aside from the actions of their father. I have so much hope for my children.

And I have hope that the next time I want to get upset or down about the justice of life, I will simply remember that while he may have 'gotten away' with it all . . . at least I no longer have to live with a man I have to parent. I do not ever again have to put in emotional energy into someone who can never give it back to me. I am not forced to live a life where the man i love has the emotional maturity of a child, and I never, ever have to be that person either. Life really could be so much worse :)