Reflections

Music is a big source of healing, comfort and expression for me. I have almost always played some sort of musical instrument until the last few years of my marriage. In elementary school it was piano and percussion. I hated piano lessons, but was a natural and eventually the only of my sisters and I that kept with it. In middle and high school I focused more on percussion and my drum set. But with my shy nature and hate of being center stage I quit by the time I was 15. Eventually, the piano would become my escape and I would play away as needed for the emotional outlet. Slowly, that stream of music dried up as I become more and more miserable in my marriage.

It's been about 5 years since I've played. I tentatively look at my mother's grand piano whenever I enter her house, but quickly ignore it. My children, especially my girls, are fascinated with the fact that I do actually know how to play and I keep promising them once we have the space to get my piano my mother gave me, I will play again. So to replace my soul's need for music, I almost continuously have music playing either on my phone, my car or my tv. I download my favorites, the ones that speak to me emotionally, and I create lists for either running or just to listen to. Things that can drown out the world and play my heartstrings.

Driving is usually a favorite time to reflect and listen to music. When I don't have the kids I can turn up the radio and just melt into the music. Today was a good 2 hours of that for me and an old song came on that reminded me of who I was just 3 short years ago, right after my break up with my ex. Hurt, lonely, scared, devastated, and very unsure of myself. The song use to hurt every time it came on the radio but this time it elicited in me a long forgotten memory.

About a month after I'd finally filed for divorce I had a dream that had stuck with me. I don't dream a ton, but when I do they are memorable and usually link to something going on in my life. I'd figured out my ex was cheating because i'd dreamt about his affair with another soldier in his unit. That morning i'd jokingly told him about my dream, having no clue that in a few short months i'd be finding out my dream had been correct. This dream was different, it was a good dream. One filled with my kids bouncing on a white bed, in our country house, surrounded by property and dogs, a wrap around porch and a man with dark hair, facial hair and kind eyes. We were happy and content and full of love and joy. We lived on what i'm assuming is a farm as there was a barn in the background and there was a peace about us i'd never experienced.

I woke up and went through people I knew as I couldn't place the man in my dreams. I still had halfway hoped at that point in my life that my ex would come around and get a clue and fix our family. But waking up from that dream made me realize, one day i'd be loved and in a way I deserved. I automatically assumed it was one of my exes that I had been with in college as he was the only guy that looked similar to this man, but I couldn't really be sure. I quickly forgot about that dream except for once or twice over the past three years. Until today.

As I was driving it hit me after hearing this song come on . . . it was BK. A man with the kindest eyes I've ever seen gaze at me, with a gentle smile and dark facial hair, who has the same dreams as I do for property and a ranch or farm. Who is good with my children and that my children love . . . there was more to the dream and I'm curious as to what parts of it will play out. But for the most part it all fits together and I was surprised to realize that on my drive today. BK was in that dream and yet I'd not ever realized it until years later. In fact, not until after we already were together and settling into our future with each other. And today I was gifted with the memory of that dream, the realization that he is everything I've wanted and looked for in a man. He is the part of the puzzle that has been missing for so many years. He doesn't complete me, that's just a silly sentiment. We all are complete as we are, no instead he compliments me. He makes the colors brighter, the laughter deeper, the love fuller. He is a bonus to our lives and one I've come to be so very grateful and humbled by. Love is a blessing and a gift, and BK is the greatest gift I've been given aside from my babies. My cup runneth over.