In the fire

There are bible verses about how God places our hardened hearts into the fire so He can weld it to perfection. Yesterday as I was driving to BK's the various verses flew through my mind. It gave me a moment to pause and think back over the past 15 years of my life. I often times tell BK that had I met him 12 years ago I wouldn't have been ready for the mature, healthy, respectful relationship we have. I was far too young, immature, selfish, and naïve to be able to be a good partner. I was 22 and had just been with my ex for a year by that point, and I think a lot of my immaturity and naiveté is cause for why I ended up staying with him and not walking when I should have. But my selfishness and youth caused me to stay as well, with a sort of possessive jealousy that made me think he was the moon and the stars. My heart was hardened.

Children greatly softened my heart. God put me through 2 very high demand children, paired with the issues of my marriage and my heart was ripped wide open and I clung to God, my faith, and my religion. It was probably the happiest I ever was in my marriage. But then my heart again grew distant with God as the issues within my marriage become overwhelming and my church family was not supportive. So I chose to harden my heart all over again. Finally I got out after 11 years and my heart had gone through numerous beatings of God's welding hammer. With each breaking of my heart, I would grow in different ways. My divorce was the epitome of emotional pain and I found myself at times thinking I would never survive it because my ex's abuse never stopped. But the entire time God was there, much more gently hammering out the issues within my heart. Each time I thought a piece of me was dying, I realize that in reality it was burning the bad off and working to meld me into a much better person.

I still have a long way to go. I am far from perfect. I have my own nuances and quirks, I am set in my ways with a lot of things. But ultimately, I find myself to be happier, calmer, more peaceful, and more accepting than I ever was before. I walk away from things that are unhealthy and I block out the people and things in my life who are not good for me, use me, or are plain toxic. I know who I am, what I want for myself and my children, and know my self worth. I know that as a child of God I am a never ending project but one that is full of love, life, loyalty, and empathy. Each hit of the hammer has led me to where I am. Each heartbreak and pain, has given me something to either grow from or shirk away from growth. I haven't always chosen to grow, there have been times I've firmly ground my heels into the floor and said, "No way, not happening". Only to later be reminded that growth is painful, change is hard, and maturity helps you to resist it all much less than you did before.

And so I'm able to look back at the past and realize how each moment was worth it. Even the really horrible, awful, heartbreaking, soul shattering moments. Those too, worth every moment because they've brought me to this place that I'm at. They've helped me find myself and center me in ways I've never felt before. And they've brought BK into my life and with our relationship comes constant waves of peace, calm, and contentment. It isn't the heady, intoxicating, can't breath without the other person type of love that you see in the movies. No it's much more than that. It's moments listening to your almost 11 year old tell your significant other thank you for making her mommy so happy and loving her. And then listening to him say it's his pleasure and everyone deserves to be loved and love like this. Seeing my children just melt into this relationship and the calm of it, is balm for this mother's soul. My kids have been witnessing more and more abuse between their father and his girlfriend and it's a relief to know that my kids have a safe haven here, and an example finally of what a healthy and happy relationship really is. Their little hearts were put in the fire too, all those years witnessing things no child should ever have to watch their mother go through. And they have come out with softened and empathetic hearts as well. Hopefully, they will see the example BK & I set and they will choose to follow in those footsteps and allow God's welding to help them choose a life with minimal fires and ultimate peace and love.