You're going about your business like any other day. Today is scheduled for finally unpacking the 20 someodd boxes left in the garage. 1 - because you're darn tired of looking at them and squeezing in and out of the garage, no clutter equals less imaginary rodents too. 2 - You got the swell idea to recycle the boxes of toys so the girls had new gifts, and throw a garage sale on one of the last weekends when the weather would still be in the 70's and you're not as big as a house ready to pop pregnant like you would be in the spring.
You manage to do so, between preschool drop offs and pick ups and fighting 2 tired gals for a much needed nap. You skip the park, because they lost that priviledge the 10th time they jumped on the bed and you get into the 5th box and after sneezing your head off realize it's the one box you DIDN'T want to open.
Yep, you are looking at the cell phone that was the accomplish to your husband's affairs. A cheapie model, that was bought without your knowledge. . . and used for over 6 months before you found out that your husband was emotionally involved with another woman. You foolishly turn it on, knowing full well the SIM card was destroyed long ago in a fit of rage upon getting ahold of this very phone. And realize there are still some saved messages and phone numbers. One of which starts in the dreaded 308. . . a 3 sequence of numbers which you will remember until the day you die, or so it feels. You read text after text and it hits your heart as if its the very first time, ALL.OVER.AGAIN. One moment, that will forever and always be able to take your breath away.
In a few weeks it will have been 2 years since I found out that there was another woman. Still had no clue about the cell phone, but had felt for months his distance, his pulling away from our family. I *knew* he was cheating, just didnt realize it was the depth of emotionally. I'm a funny gal, but sex I can handle. Sexual affairs would have given my family and church the go ahead to divorce his rear and never look back, though i probably would have taken more then his children had that been the case. Sexual affairs are just physical acts that have never held great meaning to me. Instead it was the emotional affair that robbed my soul of breath for many many months, my heart of hope and love, and my life of God and my faith. There is nothing that could have cut me deeper, nothing that could have devistated me the way an emotional affair did.
We have made progress. Seperate and marital counseling has made huge differences in our individual lives as well as our marraige. We have vowed to work through this and keep our family in tact. And we have slowly begun to fall in love with each other all over again. Many days are lined with hope, happiness and contentment. But some days. . . those days that you are faced with what happened all over again are the very worst of any days.
Those are the days you want to rip into him for what he did and start a fight with him over the color of the sky instead of talking about the large elephant that entered your life when you survive an affair. Those are the days that you feel like flying the white flag and as if you will never completely heal and instead will slowly bleed out through out the rest of your life, until there is no blood left and you simply can no longer fight the fight for a marriage you neither gave up on nor inflicted the worst pain of all in.
Today is one of those days. The old me would have started a fight the minute he walked in the door, would have stomped around the house and felt sorry for herself for never finding a man who loved her enough to be faithful. The old me would have made him feel as big as an ant and hurt him with my words the way he hurt me with his actions. But instead, when he called I stated calmly that it was a rough day. Today was one of those days, but that i was trying not to take it out on him and to please give me space when he came home.
He did this for me, and I am thankful. He walked in, kissed me on the cheek and told him how much he loves me, then went to play with our children. I am thankful for the time alone, to muddle through my emotions. The time to let a tear or two out and to let my fingers fly with my emotions and thoughts. I've learned the hard way, once its out and in the open i can handle it. I can realize that I made a decision to work on this. I made the decision to forgive and work at allowing him in. I no longer get to hold him at arms length or cut him with my words. We both have hard work to do, work that many friends simply don't understand what would posses me to make me want to take that work on. I can't explain it, other then i promised the man across from me on our wedding day that I would be til death do us part. I have not died, though emotionally i've felt i have a million times over. I am healthy, i am strong, i am human. And being human, i pray that the man who I love loves me enough that should i ever stumble in a way that hurts him the way I have been hurt, that he will choose to stand and fight for our love and us. We all sin and fall short, it just took me a really long time to realize no sin is greater then another. And to heal, i must forgive and i must accept that tomorrow is another day that can be filled with less pain and more happines. A day filled with love and hope and contentment.
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