Healing

An affair is a funny thing. People immediately jump in arms and explain why you should leave and submitting their 2 cents worth. While you understand it is meant in love and good will, it tends to have 2 effects on a woman. Either she becomes shamed and burdened to not discuss the reality of her situation or she begins to doubt what is best for herself and her family because so much outside static has come into the situation known as 'judgement'.

In December of 2006 I found out that my husband was having an emotional affair with a co-worker. I had 'known' in my gut for months that things were going on, but not to the extent they were as this was not his first jaunt in infidelity in the 6 years we had been together. Within a few weeks I found out that i was pregnant and carrying a child that had no heartbeat and within 2 weeks went through a miscarriage, which I got accused of killing purposely by taking birth control pills from a husband who had completely checked out. It was a fun month.

Somehow we marched through, faked a happy christmas day. . . all the while having knock down blow out confrontations nightly as I fought through wanting to forgive but being hurt after so many previous hurts inflicted on me by the man i loved. We thought we could make it work, and had a hard time admitting that it was all going down hill. I didnt dare speak to anyone after the initial reaction of dear friends that i should rip his balls off and feed them to the dogs while serving him divorce paperwork. But in June of 07, as he moved out on Father's Day without so much as an hours notice, i realized the problems were much bigger then myself and never thought i'd make it on my own let alone ever feel love again.

I went into such a deep depression from holding it all in, that I swore i would never again do so. I would share my story, my journey. . . the steps i have painstakingly made trying to grow and heal and become the woman i want to be so that others can see, there is more to infidelity than anger. There is pain, there is confusion, there is bewilderness, there are so many cyclones of emotions that accompany a woman trying to fight through it all. . . that there seems no where to go with them all until you end up on the couch of a trusted therapist who finally opens the window, grabs your hands and says, "You are not alone, do not keep this in, do not be shamed. You are worth saving, you are worth fighting." And you do. And now, I am able to speak and I want to be heard. It may not be eloquent and not educational. But it is my healing and hopefully for anyone out there bored enough to read, it will open a window into an unspoken world.

Lame as it is, I am woman hear me roar, could not be more true. I will not be stamped out, i will not be extinguished, nor will I be ashamed. I chose my lifepath, I chose my marriage and I do not make excuses nor hide in a corner for it. This is my life, and it is a happy life despite the thorns that have