Lessons learned from my brother

I learned from my brother that my ex husband was truly not a good man. I learned from my brother that no matter how many children you have, you always will love the next one just as much. I learned from my brother that true men stand up for their beliefs. I learned from my brother that I did the right thing by divorcing my ex. I learned from my brother to never put those you love on the backburner for people who really don't love you.

Sadly, my brother is gone. Two years ago today, I got a call from my oldest sister with heart stopping news. I remember exactly where I was, walking out to my car loading my son as she told me that my brother was gone. For years I had expected that phone call . . . with news that my bio dad was gone. Instead it was my brother she was calling about. I don't think the shock ever wore off, it may still linger around me at times to be honest. For two weeks I've been anxious, on edge, feeling as if the other shoe is going to drop at any moment and grilling myself as to what possible trigger could be coming up that would cause me to feel this way. And I had completely forgotten, or more like blocked that today is the anniversary of my brother's death.

The irony in all that I have learned is that my brother and I were siblings who shared genetics but had an 18 year age difference and barely knew each other. I had learned early on in life to shield myself from all males in my life and trusted none, confided in few and only allowed myself to love one. I shunned my brother and his family out of fear of rejection. And so I told myself until November 1st, 2010 that I didn't need or want his love. I was so very wrong.

And so i've spent the quiet moments of my day really thinking about this great man who was taken far too early. Piecing together all the little memories i have of him. Thinking over the few times he's been in my dreams. Remembering the moments my heart would drop out of my chest and I'd almost pass out because I'd turn and see glimpses of my brother in the store or across a parking lot, only to  look closer and not be able to see him. And I've realized that my brother has never left those he loved and I do believe he loved me. His religious beliefs varied from mine, but I can't help but feel his emotional guidance over the last year. I think my brother would be so proud of me for leaving and sticking to it and for finally making room for my own relationship with God. I know he would adore my kids and love seeing me be such a strong, uncomplaining single mom to them. I know he would be warmed to see the slow and gradual friendship and love that his wife and I have gained over the past two years. And I bet he'd say to me again just like he told me 15 years ago, "J, just wait. You're worth it, i promise". Only this time, I'm wise enough to listen and strong enough to believe it. I love you brother, always will.