Our future

I have spent many, many, many blogs on our past and our day to day life. I do not obsess over it, but I do hope to speak and share the truth in hopes of helping others and no longer being a victim. I speak MY truth because for years I was silent.

Over the past few months I've started to realize that for years I lived day to day, moment to moment. Fearful of the future and never able to be hopeful for it. The last few months I have been working quietly towards goals and to better our future. I find myself looking forward with joy and hope, no longer fearful or defeated. I enjoy each moment as it comes because I am no longer stressed, anxious or fearful for the future.

I have enrolled in college and begin school in the next few weeks. I will be working on my BA in Psychology as well as getting my pre-requisites for the BSN programs in hopes of applying to get in as my eventual goal is to become a CNM with a double major in Psychology. 

I have been paying off debt and fixing my credit. This is a huge undertaking as my ex never paid any of our bills and had managed to get my credit down to the 500's, something I've been incredibly embarrassed over until I realized that in just 4 short months my credit has jumped 40 points with my hard work and dedication. Clearly it will show after a year that it was not ME who was making the poor financial decisions.

I have been working on my faith and personal beliefs. I work on my prayer time, I work to be what I believe Jesus showed us to be as christians and I have been making much healthier decisions for myself. I work out and walk 15 miles a week and enjoy putting my healthy first.

And I have been envisioning what I want our future to be life. I don't obsess over it, but I do believe in the power of positive affirmations and thought. I spend time weekly to envision the future I am working actively to create for myself and my family.

In my future I envision happiness, health and peace. The custody issues will be less dangerous and raw, supervised visitation or at least no overnights will be the norm and all of us including their father will be happy and content with it. I envision him being the part time dad he has shown himself to be and to no longer be battling over it, instead he will be busy with his own new life and the children will know what to expect from him and have a semi healthy relationship because they will no longer be forced to do the things they do not want to do, ie overnights and long periods away from their safety net.

I see me and my children in our own home that I purchase myself. A beautiful little ranch home with a wrap around porch and acreage up the hill from where we live now, maybe even getting snow on a regular basis during the winter. Nothing fancy or ornate like my ex was always trying to get us into. Instead something simple and small enough to fit our needs and that we can take care of on our own. Maybe a small 3 bedroom 2 bath with the biggest extravagances being a claw foot tub, pedestal sinks and a beautiful country kitchen with white cabinetry. The front porch will have a porch swing where I can view our property and watch my children play with our dogs, one which is a rottweiler who is a lovable teddy bear. On the rear of our property will be the stalls for the 1 or 2 horses we will have purchased and take out daily and care for ourselves. All of us will be adept at mucking out stalls, keeping them fed and handling and riding them. I see active outdoor life as something that we will thrive over, something more important to us than team sports. Maybe we will even have a gated pool.

My kids will be involved in the local 4-H programs and be comfortable and show pride at handling animals. Showing they possess empathy, responsibility and independence. Family time will be spent outside or at these functions, something we all will enjoy doing together.

I will be a CNM who works a few shifts a week at the local hospital helping women birth their children as they choose. I will be their advocate. As the children get older, I will open my own country practice for home births with a clinic for the local tribes as needed. I will be fulfilled to be able to serve women as needed and to be able to support my children on my own and to care for our home with a wonderful work schedule that only consists of working 3 shifts a week, all the while providing benefits and stability for my children.

Our faith will be grounded and our church family will be part of our own family. God will have an important place in our lives and my children will learn to be Christ-like and not to focus on being judgemental christians. Doctrine will not be as important as what the bible says, especially the parts of love and peace and to do unto others as Jesus did in the bible. We will love everyone, no matter their choices and beliefs and we will strive to be the good that the world needs and to not focus on the bad that often times pulls us down. I will not be so timid to speak and share my faith, but will not press it down other's throats. I will be vocal, but accepting. I will live in my faith, walk it and own the peace that comes along with it. My children will see an example and not just hear what they 'should' be doing.

All of these things put together are the vision I see for our future. To some it may seem like a lot. To me it is peace and joy. I do not need much on this earth, but I do want to provide stability and joy that my children & I have not had up to date. I find for the first time in my life that I am enjoying my calling of motherhood (before i was so scared and stressed and fearful, i always felt I was failing them) and I want to enjoy it for the rest of my days. If I am blessed with more than the above, then I am lucky. If not, I am perfectly content with this vision I will fulfill for my family. It's amazing what almost a year of being out of a very bad relationship can do for someone.

It reminds me of the quote I read the other day by Einstein. "The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before." I find great truth in this and it resonates with me deeply. I was so busy being in my marriage and being the wife and simply surviving, that I was stuck within that 'crowd'. I never really knew what i wanted or who i was, until i walked away from that life and was forced to be on my own. And in it i have found the most joy and surprisingly found myself in places and ways I never thought i would. In it i have found that I envision the future in ways i never would have dared to dream before. It may seem a simple existence to you, but to me it is an amazing future that I cannot wait to attain and am perfectly contented to take my time getting to.