Oh the denial

I've been fairly quiet again. It's been a rough few weeks and the ex has been pretty relentless with his aggressive patterns and behaviors towards us. And as usual, i rally up the wagons and quiet down when i'm in the midst of his fire. This time though, I've noticed how much more calmly i deal with it. It still hurts to watch the kids, it still makes me worry about his next move and if the worst of the worst is going to happen. But, I'm slowly but surely able to surrender and realize no matter how anxious or upset i get, what will be will be. And so, I put one foot in front of the other, stand up for myself and my kids and carry on. No amount of screaming at me, calling me names, trying to use the kids as messengers or brainwashing them will ever remove my resolve. I don't think the ex has come to that realization yet. It's fine, I don't need to convince him. I simply just have to live life as lovingly and good as i can, following in the steps of my faith and beliefs and doing unto others as I would have done unto me and raising my kids the best I can.

The holidays are here. Still not much of a holiday lover, doubt that will ever change. But i was reading through my blogs from last year and I truly was still in denial. I was either genuinely clueless as to how bad the ex was or I simply didn't have the strength to admit to it. Most likely it's the latter. I read through my blogs from last thanksgiving and it hurt. I so badly wanted this divorce to be peaceful and amicable. I wanted to coparent in a manner where our kids could go back and forth, and they didn't come home saying things like, "Mommy daddy called me a liar and screamed at me again. Does he hate me or does he just want me to not like him?" Instead as every day passes i realize this is not a nightmare of self creation. It is simply the cards i have been dealt and no tip toeing around the reality is going to make it any easier to swallow. This is most likely how it's going to be for a very long time. He is not healthy, he is not good for any of us and he so badly wants to hurt me at any cost he doesn't realize he's pushing his kids aside and they are becoming more and more fearful, untrusting and weary of him.

And so this year I go into the holidays with a whole new set of thoughts. There is no us anymore. There never will be. There is no co-parenting, he's simply not capable of it even after 11 months. Does this cause sadness in me and at times jealousy when I see other divorced couples making it work for the children? Yes. But again, it is what it is and I have to make the best of it. So i create new traditions. I soak up every minute we have together and make it about life and love and happiness. I let my kids be kids and shine every moment I can. Leave the bitterness and fear and issues from their dad at the door and we just live our wonderful life. One step at a time. I honestly don't think all of us have ever been so happy and carefree. I also find myself much less bitter and much more happy the majority of the time. I get to spend all these holidays with my children. His email to me today said something along the lines of "You should be thanking me for getting to spend thanksgiving with the kids", a holiday he gave up for the 4th holiday so far because he stated he "is not in a good place" right now. Am i thankful? Yes, exceedingly so. To him? No, instead I am thankful to God and the universe for showing me how to be the calm parent who no matter what happens knows that all that matters is the kids happiness and stability and no matter how exhausted I am or how many times he cancels or ditches the kids for his new replacement family I can find happiness and contentment with just the 4 of us carrying on and living life. I am also thankful that I finally see the man behind the mask. Denial never allowed me to step away from it all and I was so wrapped up in 'us' that i never really thought there would be a time and a place where he walked away from it all.

Well, he did. And we've survived. No scratch that, we've THRIVED. Tomorrow will be just another day to many. But for me it's the first thanksgiving. The first one with my eyes wide open. The first one where I am thankful for everything about my life. The first one where no matter how many tears I may shed at the 'newness' of the way we live, I can grasp how darn lucky we were to escape and have a 2nd chance at living. Happy Thanksgiving y'all!