This morning I woke up to a love note and a text, little things to some but it means the world to me. I love that BK hasn't stopped doing the 'little' things that usually peter out as you get into a longer relationship. Instead the smile on my lips was not just as the message but it was also at how much effort we both put into the relationship as we grow comfortable with each other and within the relationship.
Last night I fell asleep thinking how easy it is to take things for granted. We've both been in relationships where we were taken for granted, it's easy as we are care takers and givers. I never bothered to demand more because I knew there wasn't more to receive. Looking back at my 11 year relationship with my ex, it is not comparable to what I have now. Putting them side by side is like comparing apples to oranges, neither of them are alike in any way, shape, or form.
It's no secret how bad my relationship was, but it was a secret during the duration of the relationship. When you are in an abusive and unhealthy relationship you hide it like a secret lair. You don't want others to know how bad it really is, nor do you want to admit to the feeling of defeat that comes when you have to answer why you haven't just left. Two people in my life ever knew how truly bad it was. They would get the pictures in emails, dated in case anything ever happened to me. I never would discuss what went on specifically but we had an agreement, if I went missing she'd have dated proof to make sure he was investigated. I feared for my life often in our marriage, when the ex would lose it his blue eyes would turn black with rage and being almost a foot taller than me he was a force to be reckoned with. He never broke bones and was always careful with where the evidence was, always making sure it could be hidden or I'd be beaten down emotionally to the point I'd not interact with any friends or family. One person carried my secret with me and I think she was the most joyful and relieved person when I finally was granted my divorce.
Living through that changes you in ways that are hard to explain. It can harden and jade you, but instead I chose to let it color my view of how much better life is now. The same is for my relationship. BK and I are healthy and whole. There is no abuse, no fear, no selfishness. We are a team, partners in this life willing to go through whatever comes our way. And because of my past I am able to appreciate that much more. Every "I love you" and little thought or whisper means that much more to me. Opening up and being vulnerable with him is my greatest gift to him and he appreciates and honors it.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is JUST to love and be loved in return" (Moulin Rouge) is so very true. It is one of the greatest things I've ever been taught and I appreciate this much more!
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