Another Phoenix process?

Life was settling in this summer, in a way that I was confident and content with. Our days were spent sleeping in together, waking up to decide what we'd do first the pool or the park. My girls became little fish with tanlines, i got back into a bikini for the first time since High School and felt BETTER than i'd felt in high school lol. We became a family of three and we enjoyed every day of it, even though we missed daddy.

DH and i fell in love all over again. Written words are powerful, if you ever take for granted the english language you should not talk to your spouse for 30 days at all, and only communicate via snail mail. What comes and goes in that mail box is worth far more than gold. My husband tranformed before my very eyes in the lines of his letters, i grew proud and happy and amazed at what he accomplished and at his willingness to communicate to me in ways that are far more vulnerable than spoken words ever were for him. Till the end of our days, i will cherish the letters i've safely packed away from his BCT. When the hard times come, i pull them out and open myself up to the words that stream forth from the pages. That time truly was a gift from God for our marraige.

As we have settled into AIT and regular communication the spark seems to have slipped a little lower. He has his cell phone and sometimes calls at the worst times of the day (the busiest for me) and so i'm short with him and say we'll chat later. When he gets out of school at midnight his time, it's 9 pm my time and i'm trying to unwind and don't really care to hear about routers and IT stuff or i'm trying to get to bed and in a rush. I realized today, how much i miss the written communication. The words of validation we shared did much for each of us and our marraige. I think it would be a good goal for us to set for ourselves to at least once a week write a love letter to each other. Keep the flame alive.

We have exactly 64 days left. We've survived about 150 days of him being gone. Seems short the time we have left compared to how long he's been gone, but it's dragging on horribly slow. Especially with this unexpected pregnancy and the hyperemesis it seems to have brought with it. I've become extremely grumpy and having a hard time remembering why we choose this route for our lives. DH is under incredible strain to maintain is #1 spot out of about 1500 soldiers out there in his class. And i'm stressed because we have no plan for after the day he returns home. It's faith and a prayer. And right now that scares me since i've grown far away from God and my faith. I don't even think i have much of one anymore. I need to find Him again.

I'm about 7 weeks along, not digging my OB. She can't even be bothered to return a phone call when i am concerned about an ectopic pregnancy. Looks like i wont be scheduling a c section. Instead i'm back to looking at midwives, new ones. I'm always drawn back to my roots and maybe that's what this pregnancy is happening for. My surrogacy drew me far away from my roots and my heart. I learned how to shelve things pretty easily all over again. I'm being awakened for the first time in about a year and it's rather startling. We shall follow it and see where it goes.

The next 2 weeks are busy ones. Tomorrow is my sweet Lyssa's 6th birthday! Sad daddy is gone, but i intend on making it as good as every other year! Mommy and daughter pedicures and manicures then ice cream at lunch and we have the rehearsal dinner but my best friend knows its L's bday so we'll get to sing happy birthday with all our friends at that. Then on Saturday i have best friends wedding, i'm matron of honor and praying the meds keep my puking under control so i can attend to all my duties and bestie can have the DAY of her life. She deserves it so! Next Tuesday my 'baby' will turn four. Sigh. I always do wonderfully on L's bday. But then Kiki's bday hits and i'm a weeping mess. Don't know if it's because she's my baby or the reality of back to back birthdays makes it impossible to stay in denail. My girls ARE growing up, rather quickly. And i'm so dang proud of them. They are just amazing little beings who have taught me more about life and myself than i EVER expected to learn. They are flourishing and the STRONGEST little girls i've ever known. They have done remarkebly well with their daddy gone, which is huge. DH is a very hands on dad, i know i could die and nothing would go amiss because he's THAT great of a dad. So the sun in their life is definately their daddy, but they've done so great with him gone. We've had our tears, but now they know how to talk it through. And homeschooling, they just floor me. Lyss is reading and doing math and just excelling at EVERYTHING i put in front of her. Kiki is starting to write and recognize letters and numbers. She can already add! And suddenly her coloring is all inside the lines. Little changes like that make my heart hiccup and realize they are growing up so very fast.

I am trying to make room in my heart for this little bug i'm carrying. But it's so surreal. Three. I never thought i'd have ONE child let alone three. I secretly hope for DH's beautiful blue eyes and
big lips, he really does make the most beautiful little girls. But so far, neither of the girls have gotten his trademark blue eyes. Deep down i'd love twins, yes i know i'm nuts. But this is my last pregnancy. And i never thought 3 was a good number, you have to be even kidwise. Four is the perfect amount. 2 older kids and 2 younger kids. But i doubt that will be in the cards, so alas my family will just have to be content as a group of 5. Maybe one day we'll adopt.

Wow, thanks Tiff. Fall for you, just came on your blog. I kept it up so i could listen to your playlist. Thank you it's a good reminder. This is the song dh and i have as our song. Some days being an army wife it's so easy to forget you're loved by your spouse when they are thousands of miles away and they have no clue, nor will they ever have a clue as to the type of things you do back home to keep it together. Some days it's easier to be an island, which only sabotages your marriage. I need to learn more to be a continent with dh and share and open. Tonight, i'm ready for him to be home. Only sixty-four more days. . . .