Time isn't going to slow down for me

I am going to acknowledge from here on out, the next few months are probably going to revolve around childbirth, trauma and healing of myself. So if you don't care to read, it won't hurt my feelings.

Last night I watched Pregnant in America. Good film about one couples experiences and search for alternatives to birth in a hospital. Also great insight from other countries where home birth is the norm and some places such as Holland have an 85% rate of home birth.

It also serves it's purpose to prick at scabs i had been sealing over with skin toned band aids, so as to forget i had been emotionally hurt from my last birth and surrogacy. I will say. Surrogacy is a beautiful thing and I've seen many good outcomes and joyous friendships forged from it. But somehow i ended up with the bad apple of the bunch. I suppose because maybe my surrodaughter needed someone strong to carry her through all the chaos and emotional baggage and never stray from my commitment to give her a peaceful gestation and birth. But some days that is just what i tell myself to feel better. Other days i fear its punishment for going into something too quickly. I won't ever truly know and I've stopped asking and wondering why. Instead I'm focusing on moving forward, but not in denial as i have been. But instead healing. And healing means I'm going to have to rip off those band aids regardless of how badly the initial sting and bleeding will be. Thankfully I've never been one to lallygag, and i have the drive to get into it head first.

My first task is to restart therapy. I never believed in post trauma from births, even though i had some from my 1st daughter's birth. I believed what we choose to carry on our backs as baggage was your own choice and if you ended up drowning from it, you only had yourself to blame. So my motto has always been to keep the pack rat from entering my head, heart and home. I try to live a simplistic life, less clutter physically helps me mentally clear out the years of baggage. We did a wonderful job tackling it by choosing to have our 2nd at home and the experience of midwifery care and natural childbirth truly helped me clean out the cobwebs and put aloe on the scar of my first birth. I never foresaw myself ever being in a position to be traumatized by birth.

But here i sit, 6 months and 4 days since giving birth realizing I've been numb. I've not let myself feel and the right arm i didn't dare draw attention to, is still not there. I have 2 choices. Function half way for the rest of my life, always over compensating in other areas. Or i take it head on and learn a new way to live, get myself a replacement and take on the hard work of learning to accept it and love it as it is. That part scares me the most. But denial is not my cup of tea and had dh not been gone for all this time, i have a feeling i never would have allowed myself to wallow in denial. But one must function and it has been survival since dh left.

The meeting with my midwife was lovely. Scary, but good. She hit the nail on the head. I do not need a mw who is vested in the outcome of the birth being at home. I need a mw who is going to listen to me, realize it's not fear speaking and be willing to transport should i hit a wall that i cannot scale. It isn't about preserving the sanctity of the birth, it's about preserving the sanctity of my soul. It is a big task to take on birthing at home when I'm terrified inside out, and in every shade of every single color. There is no more denial. I am fearful for the first time in my life of labor and childbirth. And fear often turns to anger with me, so i must learn how to work with this fear, accept it and allow it to be felt and then take a course of action with it that works for my body, heart and soul. Leaving no trauma and fear, but empowerment and contentment with the decisions I make. This will be a birth solely about me. I will be the one making the decisions, and i will be heard. I believe if i choose to work with this CNM for a home birth that she has the tools and experience to realize this isn't a first time mother scared by the pain. But I'm a woman who has had home birth of ecstasy, hospital birth of terror, and home birth of others choosing. I'm pretty well rounded and am willing to put in the hard work and dedication to getting to a point to fighting for my home birth again, and am willing to take back my empowerment by myself.

I started a video blog, i may one day link it. But for the time being it's too vulnerable for me to put a face behind the words. A voice that trembles with tears and human weaknesses opens me to being found out that i am a real, living, hurting, healing woman. I am not perfect, I am no hero. But i hope that maybe one day my journey will help others who search with in themselves to realize that what they know is right and that which isn't, is only attained or healed through hard work and dedication. This goes beyond childbirth. My thorn is childbirth, others is divorce, addiction, trust, abandonment, loneliness, death of a loved one and the list goes on.

At the end of the day we all have weaknesses and vulnerabilities. . . and i believe it is a common thread that should bind women together instead of giving us something to snag and slowly unravel apart between us all.