I remember back when I had two littles under the age of 3 and I saw others who were expanding their families to include three or more children. I thought they were crazy and wondered how they would do it! I was so busy with just my two. I would watch them through their pregnancy and then watch after the third entered their lives and i remember the horror stories. Most from what I heard was bad. Moms were overwhelmed, they only had two hands and yet had three children who needed love and raising. Their older kids were usually in school (or at least one was) and yet they still had a newborn who knew nothing about scheduling and pick up and drop offs and after school activities. I heard how worn out they were and how crazy the new schedule was. And i heard how couple time was null and void until after at least the first 18 months.
So as i went into our unexpected pregnancy for our third child, all of those stories and memories came flashing back to me. I was TERRIFIED! Terrified beyond words, and in true J style, instead of letting anyone know how terrified I was . . . I just said how i'd been through 2 high demand babies already and adding a third to the bunch would work out. No one knew that secretly at night, i would keep myself awake terrified of the realities that I had seen come before me. How i wondered if this was really what was best for my 2 daughters. To be so thinnly spread between them. How i cried from time to time that I was causing my own K (who is more like her mother than her father in most every way) to become a middle child (i am also a middle child).
And then our little man entered our lives and we fell so head over heels in love. ALL of us did. To this day, almost 8 months later, my 2 girls are SO in love with him that the first thing they do every morning is tip toe into my bedroom and peek to see if their baby brother is awake. If he is they greet him with smiles, kisses, hugs and a 'Good morning R' full of love and adoration. If he isn't, they quietly go potty and then sneak back into bed and lay on the other side of him and put a hand gently as ever, on his back. And one or the other, just lays there. And when he wakes up, he rolls over to that particular sister and he grasps her hand in his fingers, grins from ear to ear and coos. And then i hear 'I love you R'. It truly breaks my heart with joy, each and every morning. I keep waiting for it to wear off. And instead, i think my girls' are disillusioned with how great babies are. Because instead of them asking when R will be less demanding, they both have insisted and asked on multiple occassions, when we will have ANOTHER baby brother.
So tonight, we headed off to BRU. My exhaustion has hit a new peak with my knee pain hitting it's highest threshold over the last week. I've been falling asleep every night by 8-9 pm and having a lot of pain during the days. I know most of this is due to me and dh slipping back into our old habits of me just nursing DS back to sleep instead of putting forth any effort to get him to sleep through the night. My potential surrogacy match fell through and ds lost a pound in a 3 week period. So, I put to the backburner my desire for a full nights sleep, and indulged DS. But 2 weeks of this and my knees are swelling up again and i'm a grumpy, foggy mess. So I woke up today with a new action plan. One in which I take up the offer DH made during my entire pregnancy in which he sleeps in the girls' room with DS and gets him to go at least 6 hour stretches without breastfeeding and to sleep in his own crib while the girls (who sleep through the night) come back and sleep in our (my) room. So off we went to BRU to pick up a baby moniter, in hopes that DS will actually be sleeping on his own and not in our arms.
We took our time browsing the store. My time with DH is very limited these days, and my ability to get out and about is often not a top priority as i take care of kids, home and finances. So we checked out car seats, as DS is about grown out of his infant carrier. We checked out light weight and jogging strollers. We found the perfect crib bedding and nursery decorations (which ironically mimic the birth board i made while pregnant with him). We picked a moniter and then we went to check out. We took our time, dh and I juggling kids and money and my wallet which had the coupon and my rewards card in it. Every checker and person in line commented on how cute and flirtatious ds was (as he smiled wickedly at every single person who would interact with him). We got everything in line and walked out of the store, unloaded the cart of the 2 girls who had been playing in it during the store trip, my purse, our purchase and the cart cover that went unused as DS insisted on being passed between DH and I. A woman and her dd (about 4 years old) was behind us and I asked the girls to move to the side and explained that standing in the exit of the store was rather rude (while i half consciously thought how easy it had been when i just had one). We got everything together, DH handed DS off to me and he took the 2 girls' hands and off we walked, halfway down the parking lot to the suburban. I was moving rather slowly as my knees were in tremendous pain, especially while holding DS. I felt the presense of someone behind me and heard a woman talking to her dd. I moved to the side so that she could pass if need be, but they slowed down, almost as if to not rush me. I silently thanked her. I watched DH as he teased the girls, made them giggle, reminded them about parking lot safety, i answered a question from my middle dd, and then praised them both for great behavior, DS grabbed my hair and i said something that made him laugh. We made it to the suburban, i clicked the alarm and unlocked it. I moved to the side and apologized to the woman behind me for moving so slowly and she said not to worry, that instead she was enjoying watching the dynamics of our family. She stopped and said that she and her dh had two kids and were actively trying for a third but were so scared, until tonight. She said she had been watching us through the entire store and had LOVED watching the dynamics and the flow of our family. I laughed and told her that I was sorry if we'd been crazy or gotten in her way (i always feel that we are a tornado entering a place!). She said all her friends who have 3 had told her and her dh not to do it, not to move forward, that 2 is perfect and they'd regret having 3. I told her that only once have i felt that way, and it was due to lack of sleep and my dh was in the national guard and had been gone for a week and i immediately walked into my Chiro and told my friend who worked there 'Don't have 3, it's all chaos'. And dh pipped in and said that really the hardest part for us, was that we have a 7 and 5 year old with very established sleep patterns. Throwing a newborn into the mix, the sleep deprivation and changes were truly the hardest part of it all. And i have to agree with him. He is so right. I don't mind the diapers. I don't mind the constant need for attention. I don't mind baby food and watching him move from side to side as he learns to eat. I don't mind watching the joy in his face as he glories in seeing 'his' dog walk around and wag his tail. It's mostly the sleep that i miss. But otherwise, 3 has been amazing (if not hard).
She said 'REALLY? OMG my friends have told me there's nothing great and 3 is just 3 times more the work'. I told her that no, in reality, if she can hang with the lack of sleep and being pulled in a 3rd new direction, she'd do just fine. I wished her luck on ttc and told her we had to run as i had to feed DS in the car and she laughed and said she remembered that all too well. And so we loaded up and i nursed DS to sleep in the back of the suburban. And i told DH that at least we had fooled one person. One person thought we had it together and had a cohesive family. DH asked if it was fooling or if really we did have it ok, that really we were a family and while it may seem chaotic to us, and go go go all the time. Maybe this is the family that is right for us. Because ultimately, we have 3 amazing kids who ADORE each other, who never feel jealousy or the need to react in anger or jealousy in trying to get our attention. We have a marriage that while it is far from perfect, we work. We get each other, we love each other and we know this is the choice that we made, to stick together and love. And we have moments like this. PURE gifts, of seeing what we have from an outsiders eyes.
What that woman saw in us, i'll never know. I see chaos, noise, 2 crazy girls tickling or harrassing each other through a store, an infant who whines and fusses while he insists on being passed from parent to parent every 5 minutes, 2 adults who have to short version talk over the important conversation of a carseat and then rushing out, just so they can get everyone home 30 minutes past their bedtime and then the collective sigh of relief as they settle into their car. I see the realities of what adding a third child to the mix has done to us and I wont lie. Sometimes, the selfish person in me comes out and i think, but we were SCOTT free. We had 2 independent little children who were well mannered and raised, we knew what we were doing and we were on a course that I felt 100% safe with. Adding a third child to the mix, quite frankly, screwed that all to hell and back. But, being the person I am. . . life isn't worth living, unless you're willing to take the risks and realize the full potential of yourself. That is our third child. We had a pattern. A safe pattern. One where I had 2 kids that were well behaved and while trying and high demand, what I could manage and parent. Enough so to the point that my DH could leave for 7 months and I could manage it all. Adding a third to it, at times seems all emcompassing. At other times, i see the strength and qualities it has brought out in each of us. In my girls' it has brought out a new love and nurturing aspect. It has taught them to think outside of themselves for the first times in their lives. In my dh it has brought out a want and desire to care for me. In myself, it has brought a patience and knowing that I am what i am, and that is enough. In my son, all i can hope is that it brings in him a feeling of complete love and acceptance.
One day, i'm sure i'll look back and laugh at it all. But for now, i guess i'm glad that at least we aren't scaring off others because 3 is REALLY, REALLY good.
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