Two years ago today, I gave birth to a little girl that came from my body but was conceived in her mother's heart. Baby Eden entered the world causing me the most pain I'd ever felt in my entire life and I thought for sure I'd never give birth again after that experience. But, I soon learned that post trauma can do that to a woman's body. And as I grew away from that day and worked through it all, I realized how lucky I was to be able to call myself a surrogate and to have been part of helping a little being enter this world unmedicated, peacefully and calmly.
Today is also my birthday. For the first week following the birth I was pretty ticked off that the little girl had decided that it was HER day. Didn't she know that it had already been claimed 29 years previously by me? Didn't she know that generally, I hate my birthday? My birthday is always a reminder of a bio father who didn't want me and signed me off willingly. Every year as a child, I would silently hope through out the whole day that he would call, send a card or some how acknowledge me on that day. And every year, I'd go to bed crying myself to sleep. Birthdays have always been a sad thing for me. As an adult, I've put on a fake smile and just gone with it. Yes, I'm awesome at times and a pretty nice person. But it's not about me, it's about feelings that no matter how many years of hard therapy I've gone through are just there. And I accept that.
Until 2009. And then suddenly I had heaped onto it, feelings of a surrogacy gone wrong. Last year's birthday I was relieved that I was pregnant with my DS as it gave me the perfect out to NOT celebrate and I did exactly that. This year though, with 3 kids and a DH who are all trying to get me to celebrate I finally went to dinner and had a celebratory meal. We had a wonderful time. And then this morning, muscle memory woke me up in a pretty bad mood. Eventually after a lovely morning nap with my DS, the mood shifted and I was able to celebrate and honor that a much wanted little girl came into this world today, two years ago.
She was the calmest baby I'd ever seen. One with very delicate fingers and toes. She looked a tad like an old man, but with the most feminine and cute features. The updates from my midwives (who continued contact with IPs for awhile) were that she was the calmest, happiest and easiest baby ever (it would figure after such a hellacious birth!) but those stopped over a year and a half ago. And so those are the memories that I hold today. And I stop and think that little Eden actually gave me a gift. It's taken almost the full 2 years to find pride in being a surrogate. But it's there. Not a nasty pride, but a humble pride that I was able to be a part of something bigger than myself. And those are the feelings that I settle in with today. I am proud, I am honored, I am connected. There is a little girl in this world who instead of being born unwanted, was wanted more than life itself by her mother. There is a little girl who chose to come into this world and forever give me a lingering gift, even if i never see her. . . she gave me the gift of forgiveness and the ability to realize that my own bio dad was human. He does love me now and I'm so very blessed by that. We all come into this world in our own way on our own time. Eden chose to give me this day as a gift to always feel pride and giving on the 25th of April. Today I'm not that little girl focusing on what I don't have, instead I'm focusing on all the AMAZING blessings I have in my life, I am so very blessed.
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