It's not about the money

Being a mom to a 10 month old, often times I find myself explaining that I've given birth to 4 babies (my own way of explaining why I'm 15 pounds overweight lol). And the last 2 were born with in 14 months of each other. At first, many are confused and fumble for words. I'm sure they think that something awful has happened to my third child and then I break the ice by explaining that in 2009 I was a surrogate. Then the questions come in.

I use to not say anything, because I hated the typical questions. And then I realized it was genuine curiosity and people will only know if they are told. But the number one question I have gotten is about the money. A few weeks ago I was in the ER due to a cyst that was causing such bad back pain that I was SURE i had a kidney infection and my doctor had no appointments and told me to go to the ER. They asked me about how many kids I had, how many pregnancies and when the math didn't total up correctly they got confused and I had to explain the surrogacy. The person doing triage said, "Oh wow, that must be really great money". Sadly, when people find out I'm a surrogate they immediately go into the money that we as surrogates receive for being a surrogate. I use to get so annoyed. And now, not so much. I find that my response of, "No, it's not anywhere near what I use to make working a normal 9 to 5 job", really makes them stop. I share with them what my compensation was and that instead of the $20,000 more I use to make with my salary as an employee that could leave work behind, surrogacy is 24/7 and more a job of the heart.

The last few months have been rather interesting. I've met a few couples and been matched 3 times! The first was with a great couple but the IM was a doctor. While doctors are great, she had a predisposition to birth and pregnancy that was completely foreign to my norm. So we parted ways. Then I matched with someone I considered a friend, but right before contracts she decided that she wasn't ready. And then finally I met a local couple who seemed amazing, but they couldn't go forward due to finances and there were a few other red flags. So I told myself that my child birthing years were over and that I was not going to be able to help another couple. I was rather sad. Then I got an email from a previous couple I had exchanged a few emails with. We decided to talk on the phone and then over the course of a week talked nonstop via the phone and emails. This weekend we met. We spent 7 hours together on Saturday. Today we spent 3 hours together. The connection was amazing. THIS is my match. Everything fell into place and we had already gone over contracts and legal issues and covered everything we possibly could. I told my DH that it felt as if a long lost family member had come back into our lives, that's how right it felt.

And it brings me back to the money question. Anyone that asks a surrogate about the money and implies (without realizing it) that we do this solely for the money, truly knows nothing about surrogacy. It's something much bigger than that. Becoming a mother was the gift I received without ever realizing I needed it. And now, 7 years in, if someone were to take it away from me I would not be able to live. I am more than my children, don't doubt that. But the person that I am at the core of my heart, is who she is, because of my children. The lessons that my children have taught me, the growth that me and my DH have had are due to becoming parents. The desire to love and be the best parent that we each can be, is a gift that we will never forsake. And I am a surrogate because we are in contact (most with out knowing it) often with people that would die to become parents and yet can't. Infertility is a huge thing, something many of us deny because we are blessed with our own children. But I look at this big world and think of who I would be without my kids, and then I look at these women and men who cannot have their own children. Sometimes due to cancer, diseases or for unknown reasons. These very same people who have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on infertility treatments. These same women and men who scoop up my children, hush them with a rock and kiss . . . and play with them. And I see that look. That look of yearning parenthood. And i ask myself, WHY was I so lucky? And it brings me back to my childhood religion and upbringing. Do unto others as you would have done unto you.

This is the area in my life where I can do something good. This is the area in my life that I am good at. I am great at pregnancy (despite morning sickness lol) and birth. And I am a great surrogate. I have the ability to look at these dear people and see that they too want to become parents, and I have the ability to help them. It's not about the money. The compensation is a bonus that helps my DH and my kids have a few extra things so that they can handle another pregnancy. But my payoff is helping. To be able to see a mother become a mother and a father look at his newborn with all the love and compassion that my own DH had with his own kids? That is priceless and I feel so very blessed to be picked by people who are strong enough to ask another to help them achieve that goal. I am the one that is blessed. I am the one who receives such an amazing gift.

To me, surrogacy is not at all about the money. Instead it is about human nature. It is about people who are open, honest, loving and humble who can say, "This is my need would you be open to helping me with it?" And then, being able to help with that need be able to be partners through 10 months and finally place that child in a couple's arms because ultimately, they are just like myself and my husband. I look at the children of surrogacy and all I can think is, those children have love beyond what any typical child will ever understand. They weren't just wanted by their parents, but by 2 other people as well. And in my case, an entire family!

Surrogacy is amazing. For months I fought and mourned the bad parts of surrogacy. But today, I can say that even in the bad situations . . . a child who is desperately wanted comes into the world. That is so much more than many children can say. Surrogacy is amazing. And there is never a single dollar amount that could ever make it be about the money for me. Instead, it's all about the love and passion. Surrogacy is a blessing and a gift, and I feel so very humbled and honored to be able to put behind my name the word surrogate. Intended parents give me a gift as well, they give me the gift of a reminder. That human nature, amongst all the bad things we see and hear in our current day, can be loving, kind, good, honest and whole. That parenthood is a gift and an honor and that anyone who partakes in the birth of it, is truly blessed. I am the lucky one. I am the blessed one to be picked to help another couple realize their dreams, today I am humble and so very blessed and thankful!